Friendship dilemma

[hillier200]

Advice please

Needing to vent a little and look for others inputs on a friendship situation please.

I’d grown incredibly close to a colleague over the last 2 years or so. She's a little older than I am and was someone I would look up to for advice on parenting and general life. I don't have a relationship with my own Mum and she provided support on things that I guess a lot of people would usually share with a parent. We would message each other daily, share things with each other that were quite deep but also just daily chat about tv shows, relationships and family situations etc. I considered her a really close friend who I trusted and could rely on and I hope she felt the same with me too. She was incredibly open with me and shared lots. I don’t have a huge circle of friends and she and one other person were my people I could really open up to and have a genuine friendship with.

I went through a personal situation last October which she supported me through and was the only person I confided in. My mental health took a dip and I’m aware that our fun friendship suddenly became more one sided in her supporting me through this time.

I noticed in December that she was less communicative and would answer messages quite bluntly and checked in less with me. She’s gone from sharing almost everything with me to now very little at all. I’ve asked her twice if everything is ok, if I’ve done anything to upset her and noticed she’s been distant and different. She brushed it off both times and said she was fine and it’s me overthinking everything.

We’ve gone from talking daily to now maybe once a week which is mostly just about work, nothing too personal anymore and I feel almost dumped in the friendship. I continue to check in with her and ask how she is etc but again her replies are very closed off with saying she’s all fine and doesn’t offer much up or share things like she used to.

She said recently “you know I would do anything for you” but I don’t think I do. I feel insecure in the friendship and I’m mourning the closeness that we once had. I think she felt smothered and has made comments about 2025 is the year of her being more selfish and thinking about herself over others more. I felt this was aimed towards me, but not sure if I'm feeling oversensitive.

Any advice on whether I should reach out to her again and lay my cards on the table with how I’m feeling or does that come across as desperate after asking twice already and being told there’s not an issue?

Thank you for reading!

Hi op do you see her every day. Step back a bit now think I would keep it professional and polite. Hard know her reasons. I was close to my cousin then she went cool. I decided keep everyone at arms length now

No we don't see each other daily, we work in the same organisation however work from home for the majority so most of our communications have been online through messages and calls, seeing each other maybe twice a month.

I was due to see her today at work but just couldn't face it. Things feel really awkward for me and whilst she's not cutting off contact, i feel she's only doing this to maintain a working relationship. I'm just confused and upset about the situation.

I think I would message her a half as much as you did last year and keep it to light conversation about TV and hobbies from now on.

She may have other friends who have been smothering her or there may be something going on in her life that she doesn't want to share with anyone, including close friends, she could just be sick of everything going on in the world and just wants respite from serious stuff in her friendships, it could be entirely on her and nothing to do with you.

I would take her signals as her wanting to maintain a friendship but maybe one on a lighter note.

I am sorry that you are losing a confidante, hopefully after loosening up for a bit the friendship will recover to what it previously was.

Hi OP, there is a possibility she felt overwhelmed and “second priority” in the friendship. It happens to me right now. I have a friend who talks non-stop about herself when we meet and when I say something about me you can see that blank in her eyes. I have grown tired of the friendship amd I have started discreetly creating some distance.

Her “you do know…” comment makes me think there is something going on in her life that she doesn’t want to share with you. She was trying to reassure you and stop you asking if something is wrong.

I think I might really enjoy a friendship of sorts with a woman young enough to be my daughter: at a chatty fun level and I’d certainly try to be supportive if she told me about any worries she had. I might even offer advice as, for many things, I would have already been there, done that. But I wouldn’t tell her my problems, mainly because I wouldn’t want to trouble someone younger who shouldn’t be burdened with an older woman’s shit, but also I’d think it unlikely they would be able to fully see my point of view as they haven’t walked in those shoes yet.

That’s me. She might be totally different. In any case I think you’re going to have to accept the dynamic has changed and enjoy the friendship for what it is now and stop asking for reassurance. It gets annoying. Just quietly be alert for anything that may have caused the change and if you think there might be something you can do to help without it being a big deal, help her.

I totally get you but I think you've answered your own question :

should reach out to her again and lay my cards on the table with how I’m feeling or does that come across as desperate after asking twice already and being told there’s not an issue?

It will come across as fragile and needy, try being light and suggesting something fun to do.

Give her a little space, she sounds like she feels overwhelmed right now (can't tell if it's because of you or something else going on in her life).

Maybe reach out ahead of the next time you might see her F2F and when you do, let her know your really appreciated her support when you were having a hard time last year and invite her for a coffee. Don't lean on her or push her to analyse your friendship or find out what's wrong with her, just have a nice light interaction and take it from there.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

When asking if something was up in December I did mention that I was very aware the friendship had become more one sided with me leaning on her and said how appreciative I was for everything. I intentionally backed off at this point and told her I was giving her space as I felt a lot of our interactions were me being needy and negative. She gave reassurance then and said if there was an issue she'd bring it up. She's usually very honest.

I think she's created distance intentionally but isn't being open with me about why and that's bothering me. I agree the friendship became too much for her and she's backing off. I can see it from both perspectives and understand why.

It's just left me feeling very insecure and upset about the sudden change with no explanation.

OP, but you have figured out the explanation by yourself. Which is likely what she wanted you to do.

Fair point.

So do I just accept that the closeness isn't there anymore and move on knowing the friendship will be lighter / more of a working relationship moving forwards?

OP you do come across as very needy in this friendship, and obligation is the enemy of enjoyment.

Do as others have advised and just give her space and keep thongs light.

IMO you shouldn't ask for reassurance in a friendship or a relationship - they just are what they are.

Yes. Keep it light and breezy, no off loading or questions about her life. Just be friendly and normal happy when you see her.

I think also use it as a lessons learnt. A friendship is a two way street. You can go on and on only about yourself.

The friendship was absolutely a two way thing and I have supported her through her own challenges and always offered a listening ear when it was needed and she would share lots too. I always offered that reassurance with her so I don't want people to think it was just me using her or very one sided.

I think with true friendships you should be able to be vulnerable and honest with each other without the fear of them cutting you out because someone went through a hard time. Life has its ups and downs and I'd be there for a friend regardless, understanding they may need me more during the downs.

I’ve been that friend. I’ve had to step back from people who drain me with their constant problems. Sometimes space is so necessary. Remember how it was in the beginning when she became friends with you, and keep it light and fun. She might miss you too. But she won’t miss you if you’re too ‘needy’. She’s prioritising herself. See if you can fit into that.

Thanks everyone. I'll back off for now and will keep things light hearted when we do speak and won't push for anything more and leave the ball in her court.

I recognise I have an anxious attachment style and with the personal trauma last year I think it's affected this friendship more than I had realised, becoming too dependant on that person.

I don't think you have done anything wrong, OP. Perhaps she is just a 'fair weather friend' (who wants that?). A friend should be there for you and if your communication was mostly messaging, I don't really see how this could have been a 'drain' on her. Some people enjoy playing games and creating drama. Does she have many other long term friends? If not, then this is how she operates. It's manipulative. Being distant whilst assuring you that she 'would do anything' for you is her way of keeping you on the hook. I know because I have a friend like it (who over the years I have come to realise befriends people who can do favours for her. Once people are of no use to her, she distances herself).

Distance yourself from her, you don't need this. It isn't fair and it can make you feel really angry.

Thank you for this.

I don't think she's a fair weather friend - she really stepped up when I needed her and couldn't have asked for better support from anyone. I was really thankful for that and made sure she knew how appreciated she was.

There's some organisational changes coming in at work which will change things up a bit and I do wonder if this is a factor. Or again if I'm just overthinking things. I could help her in our current structure but moving forwards will have zero influence.

She has a good circle of friends and a close friend she's had for years. She's mentioned previously she's only really open about deep things with her and me. I guess that's why I'm blindsided by the current situation. Maybe she's found someone else confide in that is less demanding on her than I am, which is of course fine too. I really think an open and honest chat with her would help but I'm concerned about making things worse, coming across as very needy when perhaps I'll have the same reply as last time in that everything is fine and I'm overthinking.

Shame, you sound like a really great friend! I would not ask her again, I would personally let her come to you but be 'cool'. I know how things like this can hurt. All the best.

You may never know the reasons. It is hard when you invest in friendships. But sometimes its all one sided efforts