Bored with relationship

[ThatHazelOtter]

I'm married and have two kids. Our relationship has been ok, not great and not terrible. I crave excitement but simultaneously I lack sex drive with my current husband. I feel super guilty as he is so kind, successful and a great dad. But we are different in the sense I love doing sports, and he doesn't do much. That dictates what we do on holidays and time off where I often take the lead, or have to do things alone. This leads to the problem that I'm looking for something else. I often think about men I previously dated and how it would feel to meet up with them. My newest problem is that I'm infatuated by someone, someone who is taken but I have this weird sensation he showed interest. This might be my wild imagination. Currently my brain is completely taken by the fantasy of being with him. I feel numb and depressed because of it. I don't want to destroy my current relationship, but I'm also looking for more excitement, someone that could meet my desired lifestyle. I guess a counsellor could be the answer.

It sounds like your relationship has run its course and you're fundamentally incompatible.

I don't think they're "fundamentally incompatible". I think she's just never been mad about him. It is difficult to come to terms with this when you've already married them and had two kids, but I don't think his interest in sports is an insurmountable obstacle. The fact that she doesn't really fancy him, and therefore is prone to all-consuming infatuations with other men, is more of a problem. (I'm not judging that).

OP, that is the nub of the issue. Is that side of things salvageable? Don't paint yourself a rosy picture of life on the other side - it might be for the best, possibly, but it definitely won't be without its challenges, one of which is that there are a lot of absolute dickheads out there, ready to mess you around. It can't hurt to discuss this with a counsellor as you say.

I do think they're fundamentally incompatible.

They are very different people with different interests and she's not sexually attracted to him.

She's not hugely attracted to him, agreed. And that is important.

"Very different people" - don't agree based on the evidence given so far.

"Different interests" - yes, she likes sport and he isn't fussed. They like different kinds of holidays and days out. I'd say, instead of painting this as "we have to do things together that one person doesn't like or (shock horror) go on our own"... Well, why not do things independently? They don't have to miserably march as one. It could be an opportunity to have some breathing space from each other, and also find win-win activities that they could both enjoy, with open minds and an adventurous spirit.

Someone who craves excitement is very different to a home body. I would be incompatible with someone who needed to jump out of aeroplanes, bungee jump and swim with sharks because I'd rather go to an art exhibition or out to dinner.

They like different kinds of holidays and days out, so they don't actually want to spend time doing what the other wants.

Most people in relationships want to spend time - shock horror - doing things together. Obviously there's room to do things independently, but I don't see much point in being in a relationship if you don't do anything together. Especially if you don't find them attractive.

It depends what you want from a relationship. Right now she has a live-in coparent and domestic and financial partner who she seems to mainly get on with. I doubt many couples with two kids even have the headspace and resources to spend much of their lives weighing up an art exhibition versus a weekend bungee jump. That stuff becomes less relevant. If you can at least get on and have a laugh with the father of your children throughout everyday life, that's not something to be easily discarded because another man is making eyes at you. For me the point of a marriage is to grow a household and family on a foundation of trust and support - the point of a lover would be occasional company, fun and physical intimacy. The point of neither, for me, is to do extracurricular hobbies together, and I'd be glad to hear about his day bungee jumping with sharks, over dinner in a nice restaurant. To me it sounds like the dissatisfaction about hobbies and outings is being used as the acceptable face of "I fancy other men and not him"... Which is a much more significant issue. You can go on outings with friends; you can't sleep with them.

I don't want to destroy my current relationship, but I'm also looking for more excitement,

These two things are mutually exclusive for you. Choose one or the other.

Having experienced divorce, im a huge fan of them tbh. Relationships can just run their course, and that's fine.

This is why we're disagreeing because we view relationships and compatibility differently.

If I crave excitement, I'd want someone similar that I can go on adventures with. My children would become part of that adventure.

I wouldn't be happy with someone who was happy night after night watching boxsets while I did everything alone.

I don't crave excitement but I don't want to spend every night and weekend at home. I'd want to take the children out, visiting places I'm interested in.

It doesn't matter to you that your partner doesn't have the same mindset and you live a life fundamentally different to each other. You also don't mind being celibate because you're not attracted to your partner. I couldn't live like that.

I’m going through a long divorce following similar circumstances and I did act on my feelings for someone else (who is still in my life but remains married). I was driven by crazy hormones at the time but it developed into more meets etc. and we have remained good friends (platonic). I wasn’t attracted to my husband. I was naive and young when I married him, and hadn’t had any other experiences to compare him too. He was also 11 years older than me, which made things worse as we were from different eras. I found his interests boring and we just didn’t seem to do any things we both liked (apart from travelling). We ended up in a long sexless marriage (well over a decade before I acted) and there was also no affection/intimacy. We were nothing more than friends and it was my menopausal craziness that made me act differently, which led to meeting someone else…someone who brought me to life! I filed for divorce immediately. I have done a lot of thinking over the years (since this) and realised I was missing something in my life, in my marriage. It just wasn’t there and no amount of counselling would have made him attractive to me. He was very poor in the bedroom anyway! Lacked passion.

I really wish I’d done something earlier and ended the marriage instead of wasting so many years pretending everything was ok. It wasn’t.

Don’t end up miserable. He sounds like a friend, rather than a husband. There is a difference.

I'm glad you are happier now! I am just curious as you didn't mention it - did you and your husband have children? I totally get this when there are no kids or they are grown up, but I think when you're in the thick of raising them, then (for me) there's also the valid argument that other things take a back seat. Not judging the course of action you took, just wanting to see it in context.

@Shadysun
Yes, we have children - 2. They were 9 and 13 when this kicked off. I’d recently lost my mother and entered menopause. Suddenly changed in every aspect of my life. It was unbelievable how hormones were having an effect on me but it brought the lack of sex/sex drive/intimacy/affection to the forefront of my mind. The penny started dropping especially once I’d got involved with OM. I get on great with him and it developed further than it should have. And, yes, feelings crept in. We are still in touch and meet up and it was OM who felt the guilt. He also doesn’t find his wife attractive (I have seen her) and has lives in a sexless marriage. He feels guilt though and loves her. I started to realise and we ended up staying friends (we live far apart though, which helps). I do believe him. He has told me numerous times. But, it’s obvious he isn’t coping in a sexless marriage - so I have felt a bit used at times. It was never going to go anywhere and I was still missing something. It was wrong. But, things happen for a reason. He won’t stop contact with me though and has shown a great deal of support in my life in other ways. It’s just tragic we both hadn’t met before we married other people!

@Shadysun
Menopause was very instrumental in my actions. I’d have never even considered it before, let alone done it!

That sounds really tough @ImNotThatGirl7219 and I really sympathise a lot. Thank you.

Nothing like an affair and subsequent divorce for bringing excitement into you and your children's lives.

When I mention excitement I don’t necessarily mean bungee jumps etc, but more internal excitement. We’ve fallen into comfort mode where I seek more. I guess this is very usual, especially after getting kids. @ImNotThatGirl7219 sounds like we have/had a very similar situations. Wish I would have the courage to act, and accept I may well end up being alone unless I find this someone more exciting/compatible. know my husband is still very fond of me, and perhaps that’s why I do have sex with him but not nearly as much to satisfy his needs. I would love to keep him as a friend. Parts of me want to cheat to get some form of pleasure and perhaps try out if other men feel better. But I’m also very invested in having a solid family life and not rock the boat before I’ve tried counseling. For the past month I’ve felt very down because of the situation, it ruins my day to day living. And I can’t stop thinking about this other person.

OP you need to sort out your feelings towards just your marriage as a stand alone event not think about a future life with another person.

Sounds like this all sparked up from an attached man perhaps showing interest, or just as equally he might have just been flirting a bit in the safe knowledge you are married he is attached, it was all just harmless fun nothing more.

Why don't you be honest with your husband? You don't have to tell him about your cloud cuckoo land thoughts of waltzing into the arms of another perfect man, who would be equally happy to take on a divorcee and two kids, but just talk about what you want/need/would like out of life, your relationship, parenthood, what experiences you take the kids on. I don't see what the problem is you liking sport and him not. Perhaps he would like these things as well but at the moment is working too much, or has to to keep the household afloat and is trying to be a good dad and husband as well, whilst you are off in never never land thinking about someone who what, winked at you a couple of times or whatever it was you are sure meant undying attraction.

@ThatHazelOtter I very much think you need to get this other person out of your head and out of this equation. He isn’t available and you are showing a willingness to potentially wreck two families and chest. You say you’d like to keep your husband as a friend but having an affair will not allow that. You seem to have made up your mind that you don’t want to work on your marriage, you’ve checked out so not going to suggest marriage counselling. Just seperate and divorce. Not simple but messier than fall out of an affair. I do feel sorry for your husband as you don’t seem willing to work on your relationship? Is he walking around oblivious to this or indifferent or wary of bringing this up? Surely he can feel you’ve checked out?

What you're saying is you've been unhappy for a while, done nothing about it and have now met someone else and now have tunnel vision.... This seems to be the norm nowadays. My only advice is to have an honest conversation with your OH sooner rather than later and before you cheat on him.

So you are considering having an affair and looking for us to say "go for it?"

Well what can you do in life, kids come first, everyone gets bored in their relationship. Love becomes a choice. If you have to separate make it as painless as possible for the kids and the blindsided partner, don't have an affair, it takes years for everyone to get over.

@ThatHazelOtter
It’s a difficult situation, especially when you feel like you’ve married the wrong person and the compatibility doesn’t seem to be right. We are human. We are attracted to others and there are countless married men and women who have lusted after someone else and often, as in my case, it develops further. It was very obvious that my sex drive had tanked because I was with someone I wasn’t attracted to. We were like siblings and had lived like that for many years. However, be very careful what you decide to do as I came off badly out of all of this - divorce, I’m losing the house (and only got 50% of the house so it means a mortgage is required after being mortgage free for years), my children live with their dad mostly and I’m living alone. And, the OM, lives with his wife as if nothing happened! My life is a lot worse now and OM, although he stays in touch, has escaped any changes to his life. And, yes I have been tempted to tell her as this went on for years and I was led
on a lot in the early days. But, all
of this showed me that there was something missing in my life. I would never go back. I am struggling to find someone else because I have such strong feelings for this OM and because I now don’t trust what men say to me. I will
probably spend the rest of my life living alone. I don’t have any siblings/parents alive either and have just lost my closest friend to cancer.

I am the sort of woman who falls deeply in love and my true passion will only come out with someone I feel that way about (OM). Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be and I feel I have been stripped of my future (including my very safe financial future). However. I can’t stay with someone I don’t have those feelings for - no matter what I sacrifice.

think you need to step back from this other man. Get him out of your head.

And, think carefully before you act.

I was with someone who felt more like a sibling, there was no passion, even at the very beginning… I was young when we got together and he was too old for me really. Anyway, we stayed together for nearly 15 years and had a child. Eventually, he went through some weird stuff with his anger (he had always had anger management problems) and I was trying to think of ways out. Looked into another (unavailable) man’s eyes and the passion I felt meant I left him without questioning at all… I feel better and excited for the future. Maybe you will too?