Feeling awkward at school drop off..

[CharlottePearl]

So DD started year R in September and she's my first so it's all new to me.

I know a group of 4 other mums as a couple of them went to my DD's nursery and the other 2 know them.
I only drop my DD off 2 days a week as the others she's in breakfast club.

On the 2 days I drop her off I am beginning to feel increasingly uncomfortable in this "group".
I feel that the other mums are a bit dismissive with whatever I have to say. And I'm feeling like because I'm now feeling uncomfortable maybe I'm acting it and they're picking up on it.

2 of the mums arrive together every day, so it's like they meet outside of the playground to walk in together. And then it's very much "let's wait for the other 2 mums before we head in" type thing so it's like a proper group thing. I feel like I'm the 5th member and a bit of an outsider.

Also we signed my DD up to a dance class at the weekends, she's in the 5-7 class where she's 5 already. When I took her there first day, the younger class left and 3 of the mums were leaving with their DDs and I felt awkward that they'd done it together but not spoken to me about it. I get that these things get arranged randomly but it just didn't help with my feelings.

Am I overthinking this? Or is this group dynamics setting in? Any tips? Anyone been here?

You just 'know' these people. You aren't friends. It sounds as though they are friends with one another from other contexts, while you're just on the school run twice a week. Of course you're the fifth wheel! Do you even like them and want to befriend them? And I can't imagine consulting with someone I sometimes stood with in the playground two days a week about our children doing a dance class. I think you're expecting far too much of what sounds like a casual acquaintance.

Do you like them and want to be friends? If so, be friendly, and suggest a coffee or something on one of the days you're at the school, assuming they are SAHPs, but don't be upset if they aren't interested.

Are you actually friends with these women? Text, meet up for coffee, night outs etc or is it just a superficial hi/bye at the school gates?

so many people experience this in the play ground. I had some really miserable years being held on the periphery of a mum clique- some of them were nice individually but as a group they were v excluding.

strategies:

• arrive later so u don’t have to have this discomfort
• talk to other people in the playground
• put on some AirPods, stroll in casually and style it out.
• if u can, bring a non school friend or family member now and again to boost your confidence

playground cliques are the pits. Don’t let them become too much of a focus

Don't worry about the social aspect of it. You are there to pick up and drop off your child, it isn't a social event (although plenty of people treat it like one!)

Don't get involved in conversations or waiting for others before you head up. Just walk your dc in, say a breezy hello in passing if you see them and leave.

Honestly it will be a very long 7 years for you if you get hung up on stuff like this.

2 of the mums arrive together every day, so it's like they meet outside of the playground to walk in together. And then it's very much "let's wait for the other 2 mums before we head in" type thing so it's like a proper group thing.

They are friendly and go the same place at the same time every day, what’s wrong with them waiting to walk in together??

When I took her there first day, the younger class left and 3 of the mums were leaving with their DDs and I felt awkward that they'd done it together but not spoken to me about it.
Are you actually friends? Do you see them socially any time other than the 2 days you drop your child to school?
It sounds like they are just friends who obviously try to chat to eachother. I can’t see what they’ve really done wrong. Your child can’t even go to the same dance class so what was your thinking with being upset about it?

So much drama over absolutely nothing. Who cares? Drop your kid off, wave hello and leave. Who has time for this pettiness?

‘Friendships’ in the playground are mostly casual, especially if you’re only going 2 days a week. Some people have close friends, usually from previously well established friendships if they've always lived locally or if they’ve been in the same NCT/knitting/netball/book club. These friendships will ebb and flow and are usually dictated by the child’s friendship group. As a part timer you will probably not develop many close friendships with these people and it doesn’t matter. All you need to do is show up to pick up your kid, be breezy and friendly, and go on your way. Once your child goes to secondary school you will likely never see any of these people again.

Personally I much prefer standing on my own with my kids and don't do well in groups generally but I do understand how you must feel.

I don't think these sound like your people. You have plenty of time to make better friends (if that's your aim) and I think the best way of doing that is to stop standing with them. That way you might get chatting to others.

Thanks all.

Yes I don't really want to be good friends with any of these mums if I'm totally honest.
I think I will avoid the "group" a little bit by coming in later etc. I think it might feel like a bit of a relief not feeling like I have to be a small part of this!
I guess my only concern is my DD will miss out by not being as involved. But I think in a way that's a small price to pay at this age and for me it will help..

I notice the junior school kids get dropped off in a more drop and run fashion, is this the case at your schools?

I always just drop and run. For activities, the further away ones I stay. I am friendly to anyone who chats to me, but I don't go out of my way to make friends. I don't avoid people either. You are overthinking it.

Why do you feel the need to chat to anyone at all? Just treat them like you would people at a bus stop.

At my child’s school everyone is very busy, kids are not dropped off by same carer every day, most just drop and get off to work etc with a polite smile to each other. There are quite a few who will join in chat in the class WhatsApp but who never hang around to chat at school.

Arrive later, don’t hang around.
If other parents seem friendlier, a smile and a hello

At my kids school, all kids go in the main door, straight in, no standing around, no groups of parents. At pick up, each class is in a line in the yard, you collect your child and leave. Again no groups of parents, no dramas. Just a smile and wave in passing at most.

I drop and run - but I am friendly. I will smile and wave 'hi' to anyone there, but I don't stop. At pick up, I wait in my car until the last minute to avoid the chitter chatter at the gate, then jump out. Always give a general hi and smile though and I usually get warm hi's back. I don't think it has impacted on my DC. I don't think anyone thinks I'm rude or unfriendly. And I'm not bothered if there are meet-ups without me afterwards. I'm still included in just enough for me to handle.

Do people still drop off in the playground at junior school?

I think I will avoid the "group" a little bit by coming in later etc. I think it might feel like a bit of a relief not feeling like I have to be a small part of this!

Why would you change your schedule to avoid them though? They seem perfectly friendly, they are nice and chat to you a bit when they see you and they make plans with their friends in their free time.
They aren’t forcing you to be part of anything so what relief are you talking about if you started by complaining they all went to a club together?

Relief that I'm not putting any pressure on myself @Completelyjo

But you surely don't have to change your timings to avoid them in order not to put pressure on yourself -- what kind of pressure do you mean? You don't particularly want to be friends, they don't either, but are civil and polite when you encounter one another. Where does the 'pressure' come from?