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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Controlling behaviour

22 replies

Justwantpeace25 · 05/02/2025 08:15

Hi my partner started doing a bbr course in October to be honest with you it's making his behaviour worse I'm getting called horrible names on a daily basic threaten most days just plan nasty trying to make me lose contact with my older children threatening to get my daughter sacked from her job (probation officer) if I don't do what he wants if we not together he wants to be on the camera all day and night so i cant get on my cleaning daily things while im going a toilet having a bath if i go to shops school run trys to keep up all night when he knows i have to wake up at 6am if im asleep and dont answer on phone he will go on dating apps say hes meeting escorts im physical and emotionally drained he has knock my confidence and i feel like i have no life left in me is everything i say he turns on me accusing me of cheating lying even if i call my mum wants screenshot of my messages my phone log photos of where i am who i am with is there any other help he can get on top of this this bbr course is not working.

OP posts:

QualityArmchair · 05/02/2025 08:19

Is there someone from the BBR course for you to contact?
Your daughter who is a probation officer can she advise you?
I would contact Womens Aid as well. Sorry you're going through this.

Summerhillsquare · 05/02/2025 08:22

He deranged and dangerous. Report the threats to the police, and prioritise yourself.

Original poster

Justwantpeace25 · 05/02/2025 08:23

To be honest I don't want her to get involved I'm so embarrassed

OP posts:

Summerhillsquare · 05/02/2025 08:26

I'm afraid your safety is more important, so you'll need to get over your embarrassment and tell people. Sorry to be blunt. Don't carry this burden on his behalf.

QualityArmchair · 05/02/2025 08:36

I think since your daughter is an adult and is in a tough role; and your partner is making threats about her job she should know not to rescue you but to protect herself and sign post and support you to access help.
If you really won't then please report to police like @Summerhillsquare advised.

MuggleMe · 05/02/2025 08:39

This is harassment, coercive control, domestic abuse. Whatever you want to call it, it's not ok and you need to report it and get help for yourself.

username299 · 05/02/2025 09:20

You're in an abusive relationship and his behaviour is escalating. You need to contact a domestic abuse organisation and get some support to leave safely.

You can phone the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, they're open 24/7. You can see your GP who can refer you to local services.

NeedsMustNet · 05/02/2025 10:10

I am worried about your safety and the safety of your children while you stay with this man. His behaviour is out of control and the longer you stay with him the worse it will get.
You and your children are on the same side. He has no concern for any of you.
I hope you knew Mumsnet repliers - like me - would be really concerned for your welfare when you decided to write here. I hope you don’t think any of this is normal.

Your path to freedom and safety looks like:

realise and admit this is a dangerous and bad man who will stop at nothing to degrade you and ruin your life
make no-going-back steps to get him out of your life forever

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2025 10:19

There is NO helping men like described. They do not want help, they just want to win and otherwise 'punish' their chosen target, in this case you.

He is a dangerous individual who should be behind bars. He will continue to make your life a misery and a shadow of your former self.

Abuse thrives on secrecy and you need support to get away from him.

Do contact Womens Aid and do not be afraid into getting the Police involved either. Coercive control is a crime.

I would seek legal advice into obtaining a non molestation order.

Such courses like described are no answer to these types of men who hate women, ALL of them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2025 10:22

Do not let your embarrassment (that is completely misplaced) stop you from seeking help from your daughter as well. She perhaps already knows that something is very wrong here re your man and you. You likely met this individual when you were in a bad place yourself and he has gone on to deliberately target you.

BellissimoGecko · 05/02/2025 10:26

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2025 10:19

There is NO helping men like described. They do not want help, they just want to win and otherwise 'punish' their chosen target, in this case you.

He is a dangerous individual who should be behind bars. He will continue to make your life a misery and a shadow of your former self.

Abuse thrives on secrecy and you need support to get away from him.

Do contact Womens Aid and do not be afraid into getting the Police involved either. Coercive control is a crime.

I would seek legal advice into obtaining a non molestation order.

Such courses like described are no answer to these types of men who hate women, ALL of them.

This.

BellissimoGecko · 05/02/2025 10:27

You need to think about yourself and leave him. Why are you putting up with this?

CleanShirt · 05/02/2025 10:29

Kick this scummy man out!

livelovelough24 · 05/02/2025 19:25

I know that sometimes it is difficult to see it when you are in the middle of it, but yes, this behaviour is really bad OP. You should get out as soon as possible. Seek any and all help you can get. You will need support to do this. Stay strong.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 05/02/2025 19:36

Do you live together or apart @Justwantpeace25 ?

Original poster

Justwantpeace25 · 05/02/2025 21:36

No we don't live together

OP posts:

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 06/02/2025 12:55

Stop thinking about what other help you can get him.
It is you who needs the help. Speak to Women’s Aid. Let the police know what is happening.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 06/02/2025 12:59

You don't live together? Just send a short message ending the relationship then block him. Any trouble you ring the police. He turns up at the door ranting... You ring 999.

altmember · 06/02/2025 13:02

No, there's no other help he can get, that's just who he is. You know what you need to do.

Original poster

Justwantpeace25 · 06/02/2025 15:28

The police are rubbish took over a week to get here

OP posts:

CleanShirt · 06/02/2025 15:52

Justwantpeace25 · 06/02/2025 15:28

The police are rubbish took over a week to get here

You can still help yourself in the meantime. Why are you still with this awful person?

SerenStarEtoile · 06/02/2025 16:58

I am so sorry you are going through this OP.

No, none of this is ok and to increase the level of control is a real red flag. It sounds as though you are really not safe and need to take urgent steps to leave the relationship.

I know you have contacted the police before but please do get in contact again and tell them all the things you have put in your post.

Also contact Women’s Aid or other organisations to get help to shut down the relationship. You need support to help you cut this horrible abuser out of your life.

Please do these things soon, before his behaviour gets even worse.

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