No sex drive

[Griffymum]

I’m a mum of two, youngest has just turned 1. They sometimes sleep through the night but sometimes not! I love my husband endlessly, but I have zero sex drive. It’s becoming more of an issue within the relationship between us. I have struggled with postnatal depression but feel better in relation to that. I’m in a high stress job and I constantly feel exhausted.
I’ve tried explaining to him I still love him and find him attractive but I don’t have the interest in sex like I used to.
is this common? How can I help get it back? Will it come back?

It’s very common.

Are you BF as that was a libido killer firm or me.

In the exact same situation. I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. I cannot think of of anything worse. Even the idea of it is totally exhausting. I know my husband is annoyed and he raises the topic but just really doesn’t get it when I explain how shattered I am. Right now, the way I feel is that I wouldn’t be bothered if you said I never had to do it again! But clearly need to sort something out as would really affect our marriage. Feel like I’m on a ticking time bomb of how long is acceptable to not do this

What are these men doing to support you? Are they pulling their weight with the childcare, housework, laundry, shopping, general household admin, getting up through the night and early on the weekends to give you a break and to catch up on sleep? I often hear this and the men think it’s acceptable for the woman to be the default parent, do all the childcare including night wakings and early morning, cook, clean, do all the shopping and driving about to various activities, etc. Then they expect them to turn into a sex kitten once the kids are in bed and they’ve been sitting on their arse after a hard day at work.

Here’s what you should do about it,

“Husband, if you want more sex then I need more support and time to recharge. So, cook a couple of meals each week, alternate bedtime routines and get up on one weekend day and let me have an extra hour or two in bed. Give me one evening a week where I can do something for myself uninterrupted like go for a massage or have a long bath and pamper session, etc. And, (this is the most important part) don’t whinge about it or act like doing your fair share, especially of the parenting, is a chore or that you are, “helping” me. It’s not helping it’s called being an adult and a parent. I’ve been doing it this entire time and if you want more sex, then I need to not be a shattered mess.”

Normal. After all, it wouldn't be great to be producing a baby a year although it's physically very possible: human babies are very dependent for ages, so losing sexual interest for a while afterward is pretty natural. Obviously doesn't apply to everyone, but it's common.

Plus you have a stressful job and lots going on. You might feel "touched out" if you have young kids and like you just want to have your body left alone.

It probably will come back in time but obviously it's a bit of an issue.

Is there anything you can change in your work or home life that would give you time to be yourself, instead of mummy/worker-bee all the time?

And then also look at carving out some time to just be a couple once in a while.

Here we go again…..

I'm glad you're feeling better. Are you on anti depressants? That can be a libido killer.

I don't want to have sex with men I don't feel an intimate connection with. Someone who shows how much they like and respect me, someone who makes me feel desired.

I also don't want to sleep with someone when I'm exhausted and can't focus because there's so much to do.

I assume your husband loves you endlessly too and will do whatever he can to reconnect and make you feel less exhausted. It's probably best to have a conversation and talk about how he can facilitate that.

It’s normal. We had a long gap after DC2 and then a long patch of hardly ever, now DC2 is over 1 it’s looking like we’ve fallen in to our new normal.
I’ll be honest though and once we did start making the time more regularly i did feel more connected to him which in turn made me want to find the time and energy more.
I think women more than men are more susceptible to their environment and if you don’t do it for a while you lose the want, but it does come back with effort.
We would pick 1 night a week to begin with where there was no pressure for sex or anything but we would wrap everything up early, have a bath and go to bed early. It gave us the opportunity to lie together, cuddle, chat and unwind together.
Basically it does come back but not without effort.

What’s your problem? Are you a man who doesn’t like hearing the truth?

How do you know its the truth? You are just assuming he doesn't pull his weight.

As per most of your posts, its very 'anti-men'

And yet you don't have any advice that might help the OP at all.

Is he helping with night wakings OP? Are you happy in your job? if not would looking for something less stressful help at all? Could you drop a day or two? Otherwise you probably just need time, you have a lot on your plate right now.

I never assumed anything. I ASKED what are these men doing to support their wives? So maybe you should check your reading comprehension before you put words in my mouth. I’m a woman. I work with women. I have female friends and relatives. I hear it time and time again that women are often, (not always but more often than not) expected to be the default parent, take care of all the housework, cooking, admin, the metal load fall entirely upon them, etc and still put out on demand for their husbands or face stroppy, juvenile moods. That’s my lived experience of what women tell me directly over and over again. Your experience may be different and not ALL men will be like this but it’s more common than not. Thankfully, my own husband isn’t like this but a large percentage of others are. I’m not anti-men at all. That doesn’t mean I can’t call out shitty behaviour when I see it. I’m a mother of boys and married to a man I love. I also love all my male friends and family members, not that I have to justify anything to you. You clearly don’t like what I’ve said. Why is that? Does it cut too close to the bone? Are you a man? If so, why are you even on mumsnet? I see men on here all the time getting involved in women’s issues and trying to tell women they’re in the wrong. Fuck that. I’ll speak my truth and If you don’t like it, tough shit.