what would you want your friends to tell you?

[ponderingtheoptions]

OK - a really hard one which I will try and keep in non-identifiable bullet points since it involves someone else's relationship:

• good friend, male, has been in relationship for a significant number of years, no children

• relationship seemed to be going well

• out of the blue, wife announces that she has (allegedly unconsummated) feelings for colleague/friend

• complete shock but both parties say they want it to work

• fall out involves discussion with another friend, who then confides to my DH that a year to 18 months ago, his girlfriend accidentally picked up the wife's phone at a lunch function (same kind of phone) and read a sexually explicit message between the wife and the colleague/friend concerned - not mentioned at the time. He has now passed this on to DH.

Should DH tell our friend? Which would be likely to be the kiss of death on the relationship? Or wait until friend and wife have finished counselling, and see whether it comes up? Or what? Every alternative seems to have a downside.

Keep Yer Mouths Shut.

At this point, that info adds nothing to the process of reconciliation.

Sorry I don't really understand all that.

Keep out of it I say !

For a start they are working it out and also you only have second hand evidence - and are you absolutely sure that DH's friends' girlfriend is telling the whole truth ??? She seems a bit distant to you for you to be absolutely trusting her word !

I really would stay out of it or you run the risk of losing a friend !

That doesn't necessarily mean that it was consumated though does it?

I would steer well clear

none of your business. for all you know, husband knows.

CD - it doesn't, but the ongoing issue is more one of mental/emotional trust (not easily forgiven) rather than a fling that might have happened (forgivable depending on circumstances).

I think it's probably right not to pass on the info (decision so far), just that I know if it were me I would rather that my friends gave me full info IYSWIM

QS - he definitely doesn't.

But it is still none of your business. She may have been text flirting. She may have had a bad period and needed a cheering up. She might not have gone about it the right way. But, the main thing here is that she and her partner wants to work it out. She might tell him when she is good and ready. Let HER decide that. It IS none of your business.

defo keep out of it. they're having counselling which obviously means they are seriously trying to sort out their problem and this info could cock the whole thing up. It might already have come out in a session and you'll just look like you're meddling.

don't say anything. the person who saw the text is too far removed from the situation. imagine saying 'my friend's girlfriend told dh...'. no way - to add insult to injury, the whole world knows.

these things always have a way of coming out in the wash.

in my defence - they haven't started counselling yet and DH and I have spent the best part of the last four days trying to be supportive / stop the whole thing from cratering. So I just genuinely want to know what the best thing to do is. If people think stay out, that's fine, but it's a close friend and I'd hate for the whole thing to come up again in six months time if I could have prevented it.

sounds like we should just wait and see, and be there if needed.

warthog - yes, I think that's a good point. the whole world knowing thing would be devastating at this point, given friend is mistrusting his own judgment / perception

Why dont you talk to her about it then? In private?

QS - fair enough - to be fair, she is a "text flirty" sort of person (whereas I am a sad, black and white puritanical sort of person). which is why I posted- to get a bit of perspective

QS -do you really think so? DH was considering this but we thought it seemed a bit like we would be going behind our friend's back.

You really have been landed right in the middle, havent you...

If HE is the "main friend", and she is not your bestest girlfriend, I see why my suggestin would pose a loyalty dilemma.

However, this seems to be common knowledge. Really, I dont know what I would do.

But when my best friends fiance made passes at me, I told her. I know honesty is the best way foreward, silence is gold, the messenger is always shot, and with truth the world is crashing down/rebuilt, so really, I dont know!

Thanks QS - you're right about being in the middle and as you might imagine there are a lot of undercurrents / related issues that are in the background. Think I'll wait 48 hours and revisit.....

Keep out of it. those texts are not recent and so they are not evidence of a continuing affair only evidence that she has not been completely honest about the nature of the affair. They have enough to deal with and if she (the wife) has chosen not to be completely honest with your friend, then it's something they need to get through and deal with.

Also - what do you have to gain by telling him? Do you think it would

a. make him leave her
or
b. be a positive contribution

Keep quiet. No-on should read anyone else's messages, even by accident, as it causes trouble- my dad has a saying that those who listen at doors, never hear anything good- not quite the same, but it still applies!

I know this was an accident and my point above is not logical, but the real point is that the "friend" who saw the text should have kept it to him/herself- they have now passed the problem on to you, in a way. I'd tell the friend that you wish he hadn't told you- and that you are keeping out of it- sounds like you are all over-involved in a marital upset and that's not right. leave them to it.

I can relate to something like that- but not quite the same. Many years ago, I was giving my best friend's bloke a lift home- been living together for many years ( they did eventually split up!). he made a very forceful pass at me, once I had dropped her off at her house. No uncertain terms- what he wanted to do. I was horrified, but laughed it off and told him to get out- or I'd tell her.

I have never told her to this day- I wanted to, as I thought if he was like that with me, 5 minutes after she had left- what would he be like in another situation?!I wanted to tell her to protect her, but at the same time, I didn't want it misinterpreted- such as me encouraging him - which i hadn't.

it's not quite the same- but is DOES involve withholding something from someone that could be in their best interests, but which you feel would upset them too much. Their eventual split was nothing to do with unfaithfulness- she left him for other reasons.

Keep out of it- it might be tempting to "play god" but leave well alone.

say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
the text message means nothing and adds nothing, and says nothing about what was consummated
there is absolutely NO downside to staying WELL OUT OF IT

And what if she was just gossip mongering, and the text story was not true? How come this womans phone was in another womans handbag?

When you only have third hand, unreliable evidence that you can't produce, always always SHUT THE FUCK UP. Indeed, whatever the situation between couples, confine your support to 'oh dear, poor you' and cups of tea. Don't pass on any information and don't air your opinion that either party is a shit/doesn't deserve you/smells/allegedly had sex with half the vegetable counter in Tescos once. You will always get the blame for this and it won't help them at all.

My best friend did this to me when my xh and I first split up. Her friend had seen my xh a few years previously going up the back of an alley outside a nightclub with some girl. At the time, we were planning to get married, so I wasn't told. However, when we split, I was told and it certainly was the deciding issue in our relationship breakdown.

At the time, I thought she was right to tell me, but when I was struggling with all the fallout from the divorce and everything, I wish she'd kept her damned mouth shut. But in the long run, she let me know exactly what I was married to, and I really did need to know that.

It's a hard call. If I was ever going to tell them, it would be AFTER they'd split, if it was me.

not your business.

besudes if they do get back together - your dh will be the constant reminder and embarrassment by his very presence.

and the friendshiop will end.

we were told that BILs now wife had done something pre marriage but whilst in relationship with BIL

also got told some really disturbing things about her pre relationship with BIL

dh and i kept our mouths shut.

nowt to do with me

in BILs first relationship dh found his partner and mother to his 4 children in the mens toilet at a pub we happened to go into - up against a wall with another guy.

told bil, MIL, FIL

got called a liar.

it was only after BIL found her shagging someone else on the GOLF course that it ended.

upshot is keep your gob shut or else the shit will hit you in the face