Did I blow it by being too honest?? HELPPP

[Citygirl23]

Hi everyone! Would really like some advice as I can’t make any sense of this?

I met someone through a mutual friend for namesake we will call him Zee.

We’ve crossed each other’s paths many moons ago at gatherings but we never spoke. Only a few months back our mutual friend hosted a very intimate party and I finally spoke to Zee, we made each other laugh and really got on. There was something mysterious about him which made me more intrigued.

A few weeks later, I asked the mutual friend for Zee’s number. Sure enough later that day I began messaging him, friendly and light hearted. We clicked straight away, I felt happy every time I saw a message from him.

We spoke about work, family, past experiences with partners and from what I gathered he had a very difficult relationship many years ago- ex cheated on him and another ex stole his money.

I understood why he was a little reserved so instead of trying to pursue him for a date. I just let him know that I’m here if he needed to talk about anything, which he really appreciated.

Fast forward a few months later to current times- many messages and even late night phone calls. I realised I am starting to like him, reallyyy like him. And I didn’t want to keep how I feel from him.

So I plucked up the courage and told him I needed to tell him something, he was very supportive about it. I told him I found him comforting to talk to and he’s the first person I’d go to for a chat and it may be that I like him. I told him I just wanted to be honest about my feelings and I don’t expect him to feel the same way about me. I just simply wanted to get it out of my chest as I am a very open person.

A few hours later he replied saying he appreciates how open I am with him. I could see he was typing something else but stopped, carried on again and stopped. But that was the last thing he said to me and this was yesterday.

Did I scare him off by being too honest?? At this point I just feel like an idiot. Did I blow it?

Please advise it’s driving me nuts!

Maybe but don't tie yourself in knots over it, see if he contacts you it was only yesterday.

You’re extra anxious because you’ve put yourself out there. Maybe he’s processing. If you don’t hear anything in a few days just leave it. You’ll have your answer one way or the other.

I'd say the feelings you have for him don't sound like they are reciprocated but you haven't done anything wrong in expressing your feelings. I wouldn't message him again though, let him contact you if he wants to.

If it's unusual for him not to respond for a day, then probably he's not interested and has withdrawn. I guess he still might reply, but it's not exactly showing enthusiasm, unfortunately.

You haven't "blown it" though - it's not like if you had carried on as you were he would have become interested. He'd know if he was interested after all this chatting, more time or keeping quiet wasn't going to make a difference.

You did a brave thing. Well done.

Do you actually see him in person, or is he basically a pen pal? The way you describe it, after that night at the party, it sounds more like the latter. Messaging can build up a false sense of intimacy where people can carefully manage how they present themselves. He's had you on tap to read his messages and validate him (and his stories about why his previous relationships ended). Now you want to make it real, and he's flailing about. Don't chase after "mysterious" men, lesson learnt - you did nothing wrong but waste your time on a bit of a time waster. This stuff has to be done in person else what actually is it? How real is it? You deserve actual moments like you had at the party, not messaging tentative "I maybe like you" messages into the void. The man needs to be bringing it, else it doesn't have legs.

Hi thank you so much for the responses! To add context we have seen each other face to face many times in the past. Whilst at the ‘talking phase’ met once. He has since responded to me and says that he likes me a lot but doesn’t want our friendship to change any time soon. E.i he wants to take things slow which I absolutely don’t mind at all :) I value our friendship a lot and just the fact that he said he doesn’t want to lose me puts in to perspective not everything is about relationship status but having a deeper and more meaningful bond. It’s very hard to explain… yes I like him but I don’t feel sadness if anything I feel happy and relieved. Most men that I’ve met want to date super quick and ends up messy. I prefer that emotional connection before hand.

Yes... I would just be very wary, in your shoes. When men say "take things slow" etc, they don't often mean "build a really precious emotional foundation"... They mean "keep playing the field". Who knows what his reasons are - maybe he's just not that into you, maybe there are other reasons why he's not keen to get into a relationship with you, but I fear you are romanticising this and will get hurt. If you are truly happy with friendship only, then fine - the test is, will you still be happy if he's seeing someone else, and would he be as keen on pen-palling if he got a girlfriend? Please don't set yourself up for a fall, I've been there 😥

OP he has pretty much told you he just wants friendship. I would protect your heart here as lots of texting can lead to feelings of intimacy that don't actually result in an in person relationship. He will almost certainly be dating whilst you end up as his texting buddy/comfort blanket.

I think this too.

I really believe when men want something, you never have to wonder about it.

This. And also what @Lavenderblossoms says.

It's been months of texting and phone calls and you've only met once?!

If you are interested in someone and speaking a lot (and are both single) you would be desperate to see each other and wanting to meet up as much as possible.

Sounds like he is keeping you on the back burner whilst he pursues other options. Doesn't want to "lose" you but doesn't want a relationship with you? Hmmm. Yeah just be careful OP.

I don't think you've blown it. I think you've been authentic every step of the way, which is absolutely the best way to be. However, I don't think he feels the same way about you. But that's not because you've 'blown' it, it was just never meant to be.
You sound lovely BTW.

Meh. Given the nature of your exchanges from day one it seems fairly obvious that one or both of you might have expected this to turn into a romantic relationship. This can’t have come as a surprise to him.

What you need to decide is whether you can be bothered having him as a friend or whether you treat it as a potential relationship that has fizzled out and move on with a clean break.

Whatever you do, don’t keep it up in the hope it will turn into more. He’s had his chance.

By the sounds of it he likes the attention but isn't interested in dating you. Men are easily flattered. It probably gives him an ego boost.

He just isn't into you. At all.

He has since responded to me and says that he likes me a lot but doesn’t want our friendship to change any time soon.

I would take that as letting you down gently.

If you're happy being friends, great, but if you're hanging on only because you hope for more, you're going to get hurt.

OP unfortunately this may mean the end of your friendship - it sounds as though he doesn't feel the same way and it very rarely is a good idea to stay friends with someone when one of you wants more. It'll tie you up in knots. Like others have said saying he doesn't want anything to change is NOT the same as saying he wants to take things slowly.