Everyone is using me for free childcare

[Rcats25]

My God, it’s been 5 years since I’ve posted on here, and yet here I am again.
Bare with me as this will be long.
Ive been with my partner now for 7 years and we have a DD together (5) and he has two children from his previous relationship.
In a nutshell (which I can explain further if needs be) I entered into a relationship with him when he was separated from his ex wife BUT also at a time when he was in a toxic situation with her and it was extremely high-conflict on her end, they were supposed to have 50/50 custody of the kids …this didn’t happen and he had them more because of her job…they were constantly arguing and instead of me going “woah, I do not need this in my life ta-ra” I was like “aw poor guy let me do everything I can do to help him” (eye roll at myself) this included watching the kids when he couldn’t find childcare.
The few times I watched them, then turned into every other day, then every weekend when he was at work (mind I didn’t live with him at the time I worked full time and had my own flat so more fool me) then gradually it was just an expectation.And not just from him, but his ex-wife too. First mistake was moving in with him.
i stayed with him even though my hair started falling out because of the stress LIKE WHAT WAS IS WRONG WITH ME?Apparantly I ignored every flag going. I like to see how red the flags get!
and basically over 7 years I have been used for child care ever since and I’ve let it happen!! Every time I expressed I was struggling and didn’t want to do it anymore (especially when I was heavily pregnant and after my dd was born) it would last five minutes then somehow I’d end up with them again because he’d talk me round. The ex wife made sure we had them sometimes up to 12 days in a row after I gave birth as well and I was never allowed time to bond with my dd. (That’s another story)
And my second mistake was having a baby with this man but it wasn’t planned. Though my daughter is my entire life and I’d never take it back. Anyways,
We don’t go on holidays unless it’s with his family. Never abroad. We’ve had one night away together in 7 years! No date nights. We have zero childcare for our DD and no family help so we never get a break. He tells me when we have his kids coming to stay but it’s always when he’s at work so IM looking after them until he gets home from work, whilst the ex wife is off doing whatever she wants having a child free weekend or off with her boyfriend…and the kids have made friends with the neighbours kids in our street and somehow because I’ve made friends with the neighbours, I end up with THEIR kids in my house every weekend now too…sometimes up to 6.5 hours.
im like…why am I constantly being left with everyone’s kids all the time? I just want to concentrate on my own child and have a partial quiet weekend and a breather.
I warned my dp to stop arranging childcare with his ex wife and not including me in the arrangements because IM the fucking childcare, and he was like “oh sorry I just assumed” or “sorry I thought I asked”. It boils my piss. Then he did it again just this weekend gone. He does not value my needs at all nor does he care if I’m struggling so long as someone’s watching his kids because the ex wife has plans and god forbid they get messed up!

There is so much crap that’s happened over the 7 years but that’s for a different thread lol, my point is I’m miserable and I’ve fallen out of love with him and I’m FURIOUS with MYSELF for allowing people to take a lend of me for so long and for just not leaving when I’ve not been happy in years! If I sound bitter it’s because I am!

im so done with this relationship and I want to move out. We rent. He earns a lot. I earn nothing as I’m a SAHM even though I’ve got my own little business but it makes pennies at the minute. Pretty sure he loves it that I’m financially dependent on him when I HATE it and just want to earn my own money. We never do anything fun. I’m bored, restless, I have two degrees, I’ve written books, I work hard on my little business and I just look in the mirror and think “what am I doing??!! What example is this for my little girl?”
i just want peace in my life and I will never have it with that absolute man child who prioritises his ex wife over me and always has done, and uses me to look after his kids.

how do I get out? I’ve no one I can go stay with so what services could I use? Or is it worth visiting citizens advice? I just want to be a happy mum to my little girl.

I think you have two options.

Get a job and save enough to get a rent deposit or present yourself as homeless to the council. That may help with temporary accommodation.

@Rcats25 You can start here;:

www.gingerbread.org.uk/talk-to-us/

Mumtobbabyhavoc thank you so much I really appreciate it x

How old is your little girl? Use your degrees and get yourself a full time job. While you're doing that, look for a 2 bedroom to rent for you and your girl.

Go for 100% custody and claim cms from him. Also, when you divorce him (if you're married ) and include a bill for the childcare you've done over the years.

I'd get a job and start saving to.move out. If a neighbour asks for childcare always say, "sorry not today."

@Rcats25 depending on what you learn, I'd be inclined to siphon off a couple months living expenses from partners income, apply for all the financial aid available, apply for subsidized housing, line up childcare and a job, get a legal separation order and a maintenance order and move out without notice.
Since you don't have support I wouldn't risk his family interfering. I'd avoid discussions about why it's over as well, for obv reasons. He sounds very controlling and it's not your fault. These things creep up, we second guess our feelings and gut telling us things aren't right and we get cleverly manipulated until we're in over our head. You've woken up. Plan carefully and meticulously.

I speak from experience. I did exactly as I'm advising you, on my own, until last minute when I had friends help me move out when he went to work. It was done and dusted in a couple of hours.

Get a certification in a health care field ASAP and get a job.

Do content creation or freelance writing or social media.

"No, I'm not available to do childcare."

"No, I'm working."

"No, I'm studying."

Send the neighbors' kids home.

Stop being a doormat.

Honestly, I'd get a full time job, use wrap around care for your child (not necessarily forever). Put her in clubs at the weekend so you are both unavailable, and save as much money as you can.

100% get away from it all.

It cracks me up how men think this is ok if he agrees to have them then he has them it's not down to you to always have them just to keep the peace because his ex wife is a cunt! Ha! When you do leave and are happier she won't be able to live her best life will she? Oh and he will also have to sort his shit out which he should have done years ago!

I would go to the local council and apply for homelessness, I would also ring citizens advice. I would then also claim for maintenance.

I would go to the local council and apply for homelessness, I would also ring citizens advice. I would then also claim for maintenance.

This. Definitely

How old are his DCs?

Do you have any savings?

I would start faking you aren't feeling well and kids can only be around when he is there.
Squirell money away są much as you can for the next few months. Is DD in school or still in nursery?

Is he self employed?

Defo get a job. Even part time. Then look into what benefits you can get if you get a place of your own for you and your child only.

Shop around for a suitable place. Once obtained, leave and start your new life. Good luck for your future.

First things first, arrange a nice weekend just for you and your daughter.

Practise saying NO in the mirror.

Start looking for paid employment. You need to become independent.

Practice saying, that don't work for me.

Try to build up your business and stop referring to our as your "little" business, That diminishes you and your work.

Then once you have a job in place, leave work your daughter and live your own life!

I get your rage.
There’s couple of options here.

1. you start charging him a daily rate for your childcare services. Whatever ot is per hour. He earns a lot and so he transfers you the x amount every month. Without fail.
2. if he thinks point 1 is unreasonable, you make yourself unavailable. So he pays childminder or nursery the going rate.

you are sahm, so i assume moving out is not an option. But that is not good for him either. He needs to pay you. What is relationship like otherwise? Any good points if childcare wasn’t an issue?

they are both taking massive advantage of you. You are not married. He earns a lot. He can be gone tomorrow and you will not have any protection financially. So if the relationship is good otherwise, i’d force the marriage issue. At the moment you are not entitled to anything and he is sponging off of you. That is not sustainable.

Morning, and thanks so much for all your replies.
Yes, I think going down the job route is the only solution and save up as much as I can and put it all away so I have money to leave.
im going to ring citizens advice and there was also another link posted on here with a number I can ring for advice too.
I’ve had extreme levels of stress through this entire relationship, my cortisol levels have been through the roof for years. I’m surprised i haven’t had a heart attack yet. I had post natal depression which has never really gone away, developed extreme anxiety after my daughter was born, pretty sure I’ve got undiagnosed ADHD which I’ve submitted a form to get tested for. I’m constantly overwhelmed and overstimulated with no break and this year I just want to look after myself and my own mental being. (Obviously my daughters as well, she comes first above everything)
I’ve been trying to make a conscious effort to block out negativity, think positively, put happy music on and dance around doing house work so I’m not walking around angry haha. As soon as I put on some feel good music and start dancing around with my daughter, he gets in from work and turns it off to put his programmes on and it just changes the entire mood and energy of the house. I ask him to read books to her whilst I’m making his tea but he just shoves a phone in her face and tells her to cuddle into him whilst he’s watching tv.
He’s snappy at bed times and has no patience which means I end up doing bed times every night and fall asleep with her so even at night I don’t get any time to wind down.
Im just tired and want the old me back and like I said earlier, for my daughter to have a happy mum back. So I’ll be making those phone calls asap.

Good luck OP. Sounds like you have a plan

Imagine having happy music on with nobody to come back to turn it off. Amazing. And you will have that once you’re away from him. You’lk get there, one step at the time (i bet your mental health will improve significantly too).