Friend going through DV

[Lolo2000]

Hi all,

I got some good advice from you all the other day and I wanted to ask you all what to do in this situation.

I met my friend through baby groups during Covid period. She didn’t disclose much at the time but I knew she had moved from another part of London to where we currently are on her own with her DD. She didn’t have any family locally and as we were roughly the same age with babies the same age we became close.
In time she told me she has fled DV from her DD dad, he had been physically abusive and SS told her to leave or they would remove baby when born.
He was sent to prison for 1.5 years and was released in 2023, applied to the courts for access and she had a non mol on him for a year which expired in May last year.

Anyway she told me at Christmas they had been speaking again and I said I didn’t think it was a good idea and to put an end to it, obviously she didn’t and she rang me last night in tears and came to my home with what looks like a broken nose and a nasty cut on her cheek. She told me he stayed the weekend and on Sunday he wouldn’t leave and she didn’t want to call the police for fear of SS, her daughter was at her brothers house the weekend so didn’t witness anything. They had an arguement and he attacked her. He left on Monday morning, and she made an excuse to her brother why she couldn’t collect yesterday. I’m taking her to the hospital today before she collects her daughter - but I’m worried about her now, he now knows where she lives - and I think she will have him back in the house although she told me she won’t now because shes scared.

Should I call the police? I’m assuming when she collects her DD today from her brothers he will call them himself.

I would personally ring social services as my first thought would be what would happen to her DD if he came back. She’s already allowed him back once, you can’t say that she won’t again. Domestic abuse is complicated and unless she is engaging with any support she’s more likely to meet him again. Her child needs to be safeguarded and it doesn’t sound like she’s in the best position to do that right now. Plus as you said he knows where she is now. You can’t flee domestic abuse and then give your address to the perpetrator. It is no longer a safe place for her or her DD. I mean this man’s been to prison because of what he did to her. It must have been significant and he may have restrictions in place that he can’t know the child’s address etc. I know she’s your friend which makes it more difficult but I would want reassurance that the child will be safe and unfortunately I don’t think you can trust her word on that now

Update:
She rang her mum/brother before I took her to hospital as her neighbour called her and said a man was “rentlessly” buzzing her buzzer and became aggressive when asked to leave the block. Her brother took her to hospital and she has a small fracture to her nose and had butterfly stitches on her cheek - the hospital notified the police and SS are coming out to see her this afternoon. She’s petrified!

My heart breaks for her

Been there

She is lucky to have a wonderful friend

I would inform SS of your ongoing concerns

She just needs to be honest
She won't lose her DD but she needs to never contact the POS again 💩💩

She needs to engage with services; domestic abuse, social services and the police. She's an adult and aware of what he's like because he ended up in prison.

If she wants to see him and risk her life; he'll probably kill her, then that's her choice. What's important here is her child.

Her child should not be anywhere near him and living in an abusive household is considered child abuse. I can't imagine what her child would witness if this man was in her life.

I would inform the police, social services, her child's school, everyone to ensure her child doesn't become another Baby P.

From the call she had with them on Wednesday afternoon she told me they said “we will be looking at legal but we will discuss on Friday”

Her brother has kept her DD until tomorrow, she stayed with me on Tuesday and went home on Wednesday he has been arrested again I forgot to add that in.
He was only allowed to see her DD in a contact centre, apparently contact was going well and there was talk of supervised in community.

i just hope she doesn’t get moved, she loves living where she is and has built up a life for herself and DD - I’m really worried for her. They are coming out at 3 today so I’ll wait and see the outcome. I don’t want to make anything worse for her by speaking to SS I don’t think I could add anything that they probably don’t already know.

So she’s gone straight to PLO reasons being, her mum told me a bit more than she has, while she didn’t tell me the full truth she didn’t lie.

He’s back in prison now, on remand I think he’s been charged with GBH.
She’s petrified the social worker told her it doesn’t look good and they aren’t sure what she can do to make it better, I don’t think this helps but she’s been in contact with a solicitor who told her the fact he’s in prison will be a major factor if it does go to court.
She has asked to be moved again but the council have said no as there is no direct threat.
I’m supporting her as much as I can but she’s so embarrassed as the nursery have been made aware as well.
I sometimes look after DD and I’ve been told I need police checks on myself if I’m to look after her DD for a few hours, is this true? I’m fine with this, I’ve never had any form of police involvement in my life, Christ I never had a fight in school! But I was just wondering if it’s true

Yes that’s true. Definitely if it’s gone to PLO, anyone offering to look after her DD will have to be police checked as a minimum.
I think the fact that’s he’s back in prison will help her. But ultimately she did put her child at risk. She just needs to engage with whatever work they ask of her

Unfortunately she will be seen as putting him above her child and in doing so she has chosen to put her child in danger. Given she knew that this was wrong and that this would likely be the outcome with social services the fact she still did it makes it very likely she would do it again and so she is not a safe person for that child.

She’s treading a well worn path for this sadly and it’s going to be very difficult for her to come back from it. It’s highly unlikely the poor child will be left with her in the short term at least.

Best case now would be familial care.

@SeaDragon17 Her social worker called me this morning asked for all my details for a police check, asked if I’m in a relationship with anyone known to the police which I’m not, said she will do a PNC on me and I asked if DD will be taken from her she said she couldn’t tell me that information as they do not know but they are taking legal action. I’m assuming this means they will apply to the courts.
I don’t think she should have told me this as I’m not sure what my friend actually has been told.

If asked for a temp stay and to keep her DD local and settled I could take her for awhile, I have my own place and my DC is the same age they have grown up together. I’m hoping she’s not taken into foster care I’m really worried for her