Successful coparenting tips

[Bockrottem]

Both ex Dh and I grew up in dysfunctional households and I think that’s skewing perceptions of what co parenting should look like.
Doesn’t help that no matter my insistence that I’m done he still thinks he can win me back so I’m not sure if some actions are him trying to win me over and be nice or just how coparents should be!?

How long did it take your DC to adjust, eldest is ok, but younger is so emotional, cries for him most nights, bawls eyes out when Dad leaves, it’s breaking my heart.

What's he doing thats causing an issue? In a fairly new seperation some habits take a while to die off. And yes some ex's try to win the other back. It takes time and consistency to make some things clear

It’s not that he’s done anything drastically wrong, he just turns up on random days and sort of makes himself at home (not overnight but he has tried that once) I find it hard as I’m still quite angry with him but I also don’t want to make things awkward for the DC so I just go along with it.
but then I have no idea what coparenting is supposed to look like…..does your ex come and spend time with you all as a family in your home?

Hey there, wish you well this adjustment period is really hard. I think it would be good to have a little bit more information and context maybe about the break up. You say you’re quite angry with him. My experience would be that it’s better to have boundaries now rather than people just coming and going as they please. That’s not really realistic in the longer term but sometimes for an adjustment period with the kids it can be good for them to have quite a lot of contact with the Parent who has had to leave.
I think some of this depends on the age of your children as well? I know you said one of them was very emotional. Is he pretty pretty young?
Perhaps you can kind of agree a transition period where things will be more flexible and then say that you’ll have a little bit more of a pattern in the future? It depends a bit on you as well.

I’m not sure whether I’m getting the impression that you want to get back with him as well. All depends what you want out of it, but my experience would be that flexibility at the beginning is good if coparenting and both just really conscious of being kind to And about each other but not crossing any lines and then overtime come to more of an agreement about how it’s going to work. However, be clear that the flexibility is part of a transition and is temporary and intentional .

At the same time I’m giving that advice assuming that this was not an abusive relationship or that there was any coercive control. If there has been you probably will need some help quite early on to get boundaries in place, as an abusive partner will have an agenda and there will be intrusion and control and violation of any boundaries you tried to put into place yourself. So really context is key here! I’ve written the advice formally based on you both being reasonable and mature in your approach. 🤔

@Bockrottem blimey no. Not in my case. I do know co parents that sit and have a cuppa at drop off though and I used to do the same for the benefit of dd. I think you do need boundaries though.

Especially random days - Co parenting involves agreed upon times. So he can't just come and go as he pleases. I would put your foot down on that one.

Thank you, split due to alcohol abuse issues, not abusive but could be very grumpy with a hangover and we would all be walking on eggshells! Tried to encourage AA,distraction, different methods of release when under pressure at work etc but it was steadily getting worse.