How do you know when to call it a day?

[WH40smama]

I am really struggling in my relationship at the moment and part of me wants to separate as I think in many ways life would be easier, but I know I would miss my DPs company and I worry of the classic cliche of breaking up my family. What if my DC choose in the future to live with their Dad? My DP is just completely obsessed with work, shows me no affection, doesn’t show any appreciation for all I do for him, and does barely anything around the house. I feel like I am setting a bad example for my children of what a loving relationship should be like. I’ve got to the point where I am so pissed off with him most of the time, I am snappy and moody. But actually separating is so hard. Interested to hear how you made the decision to separate.,

i think maybe I need to find someone to talk to IRL. Did you weigh up the pros and cons, or was there a breaking point? I can imagine the wonderful freedom of not being annoyed with my DP’s annoying habits but then I think of the prospect of him meeting someone else and our children spending time with a stepmom, and hate the thought of that.

Bump

I think it's a journey.
I started off feeling unhappy in the relationship but feeling like that's just my lot and not much I can do about it
Then gradually I started to think actually, maybe it is an option.
I kept checking in with myself about how things were, to see if it was just a "phase" thinking "if I still feel like this in 6 months then...."
I tried to broach it with xH and say I wasn't happy, asked if we could go to counselling. He rolled his eyes and said no, go by yourself.
I got more unhappy rather than less. Daydreamed more about leaving.
Read endless threads on here about it!
Started to feel like I couldn't stay, I couldn't face another potential 30 yrs of it. Just didn't want to spend time with him.
He got more detached from family life and more incidents of control, silent treatment etc.

There was one holiday where I couldn't sleep all night, stayed up writing list on my phone about all the reasons/rationale for going, and why I should stay.

Decided I had to go, that was the worst bit really - knowing I needed to do it but working up to it.

Then I did it 😊
It was horrific, worse than I imagined, he was so controlling and became abusive. I realised I'd never gone against him before (he said I wasn't allowed to go).
He threatened to kill himself and told me he'd got as far as the noose around his neck (I still don't know if that was true).

I got through it and got out with the kids and the divorce has recently come through.

Guess what, he didn't kill himself. He seems pretty ok now, although can still be a massive arsehole

Thank you so much for your reply. I think I just feel ground down by doing everything and getting nothing back. I enjoy time away from my DP as in some ways life is easier with not having to clear up after him, or wait for him when we go out, and I can choose whatever we want to do. But equally I miss his company and having extra hands to deal with the DC. I browse Rightmove and imagine what a clean and tidy house I would have without him in it! Having said that, I have two DC so it will never be that tidy!