Anyone else ever had the feeling in a relationship that this just isn’t ‘it’?

[Seeker42]

Been with my boyfriend for around a year. He’s lovely, kind, carrying, committed but I get this niggle that something is just missing and this isn’t ‘it’ for me. I feel bad even writing this because he is a genuinely lovely man but I think it’s just not a deep love that I know I have experienced before and would love to find again.
i know the grass is far from greener out there and dating is joyless at times but should I just stick this out or not?

I would say it’s not fair on your boyfriend to ‘stick it out’. If it’s not right it can’t be helped and you’re not to blame for that, so don’t lead him on if you don’t see a future

I wish I knew why it wasn’t right. I feel like we just don’t have that deep emotional connection. We definitely have a romantic connection, physical etc but I feel there’s something missing. But I’m worried that maybe I’m just asking for too much

Bump x

How do you know that what’s missing is something missing from the relationship? You don’t even know what this mystery thing actually is. So, maybe it’s not the relationship. Maybe there’s something in you that’s unfulfilled? And what else could you bring into your life that would bring more fulfilment that isn’t a romantic relationship? I don’t say that to be mean. You say your bf is loving, kind, romantic and you have a good sexual relationship. Is it that you’re not feeling emotionally connected? And if so, why? Are you able to be open about yourself, your desires, your fears, your hopes for the future? Do you invest emotionally in the relationship? What is your model for what relationships look like? Did you grow up in a loving c supportive family who showed respect and love freely? Or did you see anger, fighting, disrespect or worse? I think you should do some self reflection and see where you’re coming from. What did you learn about relationships growing up? Is this affecting you now? It sounds like you and your bf are compatible on many levels. So, what is making you look outside to the greener grass? Are you too young to settle down? What are your feelings around this? Have you been in bad relationships before which were toxic but full of drama and now you’re confusing a healthy relationship as boring? Really sit and think about all of these things. You’re thinking of ending your relationship because, “it” is missing but do you really understand what this, “it” is? What are you looking for? Why are you looking for that? I think maybe you should spend some time really thinking about yourself, what you have learned about relationships and how you might be able to connect more emotionally in your current relationship because you make any rash decisions. Figure out why your unfulfilled and if it’s really your relationship or if you need to not look for a relationship to fulfill you but to enhance your life. You need to find your own fulfilling purpose.

I’m not meaning to be harsh in saying this, but in staying with him while you have this lingering doubt, you’re preventing him from meeting someone who could feel that deep love for him - and you’re also missing out on the chance to find that for yourself. Some people might say that “a lovely man” is enough, but from my own experience, I’d say that that isn’t enough in itself.

I would say that a deeper emotional connection is missing. It feels very surface level and how the deep secure love id had before or would like to have in a relationship

Right, so what is your role in this? Do you make strides to advance the emotional connection in your relationship? Are you showing your vulnerability and really being brave enough to go all in emotionally? How do you communicate your emotional needs to your partner? Do you ask for what you want? If not, why not? What would make you feel more emotionally connected? What does that look like for you? Do you have a clear picture of this or are you unsure?

I feel I am really open emotionally and invested emotionally. I give him a lot of emotional support and connection and don’t feel I get it back, he’s just quiet and laid back and doesn’t like to ask too many questions or involve himself in my ‘business’ as he calls it. I think it’s something that’s there or not really don’t you?

And I guess I’m afraid to me alone even though I feel deep down this isn’t exactly right for me

I’ve had this in previous relationships but broke it off quickly (few months)

If you have felt deep love before - perhaps this isn’t it for you. What was different about those relationships, why didn’t they last?

You might also have a pattern of being restless : I did when I was younger and it is related to childhood issues

I think you should get to the bottom of this and if you feel something is missing perhaps try to both find a more fulfilling partnership elsewhere

I hear a lot of you supporting him and that’s good but what are you asking him for? How are you communicating you needs? And no, sometimes these things don’t just come easy and you have to work out your respective communication styles. That doesn’t mean they are wrong. It just means you need to get to know each other better and communicate better.

Thank you. I’m mid 30s and have been married and have kids too so I have had long term serious fulfilling relationships.
i think to put it in the simplest terms- i have much stronger and deeper feelings in other relationships

Can you elaborate on what's missing? Do you feel like you have different values? Misaligned life goals? Divergent expectations from the relationship?

And how old are you both?

I'm in a FWB situation but we're getting close. I can imagine if we graduated from our situationship to an actual relationship I would feel what you're feeling. My FWB is kind, caring, the sex is good, he comes from a good family etc.... but we are fundamentally different people. I am so much more worldly and adventurous than he is, and i feel like my world would get smaller if we were to become a couple. Doesn't mean I don't have moments where I think 'it wouldn't be so bad to be married to him'. 😅

If you feel like something's missing then I would end it.
I knew it was different with my now DH as I didn't have that feeling like I was trying to make it work with a wrong person, that something was missing. I felt at peace.

I guess just the deep feelings are missing. We are very different in terms of our backgrounds, upbringing, some values etc. there’s some immaturity there with him which I think is more apparent with one person has kids (me) and the other doesnt

@Seeker42 do you get the sense he's sure about you even if you're not sure about him?

Tbh he sounds like he acts the way I do in relationships- not too emotionally dependent and not getting myself involved in things unnecessarily. Some people prefer to maintain independence in a relationship. If that's unfulfilling for you, then you should probably break it off and move on.

Yes I get that sense from him.
yeah maybe just not as compatible as I would have hoped.

I've met a lot of men. Sadly I've found not one that has the full package.
I love the deep emotional and mental connection, but that came at a cost of other things.
I love the physical chemistry, that came without other good stuff.
I love the easygoing comfortable feeling, that meant missing out on lots.
I love the charm and banter, that gave other qualities I didn't like.
I just think it's nearly impossible to get it all. But life is short, try and find it if you think you can't live like this

From my experience I'd recommend you'd end it. It'll be harder to do further along the line.