I don't know if I can afford to leave my husband

[Rebeccadaisy]

Just looking for some advice. I currently have a 2 year old and another one on the way. I've not been happy for a long time. We argue constantly. He controls all the bills even though I've asked to get a joint account so I can have more control and know what our outgoings are. He earns 20k more than me and I'm currently halfway through my nursing degree. We barely have sex anymore and I never finish or get anything from it, it's literally wham bam thankyou mam. I'm always having to ask for help around the house and nothing changes. I've asked him to stay with a friend so I can have some headspace (my home is right next to my job) but he just refused. I just don't see how I can afford to leave and finish my degree with a baby and a toddler. I've tried to speak to him so many times about our problems but he just ignores me. He's a great dad to our daughter and I want there relationship to stay close, but I can't keep feeling this unhappy and keep sleepwalking through my life. I feel like I have no control anymore. Ontop of it all I work 2 jobs and have to pay for all the stuff related to the house (it needs alot of work) and I'm broke. He goes out all the time and spends money on his hobbies but won't think to buy clothes or shoes etc for our daughter. I just feel so stuck. What can I do?

Ooof. I have no advice because I want you to leave him but you are also pregnant and doing a degree and working crazy hours. Unless you can move in with your parents.

This does sound like financial abuse so I feel you should speak to some women’s organisations as a first step.

You really need some advice OP. This sounds like an abusive relationship. Speak to Refuge or Women’s Aid. They can help you to find out what you would be entitled to benefits-wise and also your local Refuge office can recommend a good solicitor who offers a free initial call re marital finances.

Also speak to your uni. They may be able to help you to defer for a bit, to get yourself back on a bit more of an even keel. Sending hugs.

I know. Its a mess. My mum would just take his side. They love him to bits and don't see this side of him and seem to excuse alot of what he does. An example of this is where he's been away for 5 nights with his friends and my mums told me off for not spending enough time with my daughter. My mum watched her while I did 3 night shifts which I couldn't change last minute. They didn't think oh maybe he shouldn't be going away while she's at work. Ergh.

He's not a great dad if he won't spend his money on things she needs. Or the house she lives in.

He's a great dad to our daughter and I want there relationship to stay ....
.He goes out all the time and spends money on his hobbies but won't think to buy clothes or shoes etc for our daughter.

He's not a great dad to his daughter. A great dad puts his children's needs first.

I feel like you keep making life harder for yourself by going for nursing and having a second child.

He's also not a great dad if he just goes away without worrying about childcare for his daughter while you are at work

This is not helpful at all but …… your mum sucks.

He’s not a great dad to his child if he treats you and in turn your child like this.

Your mother is wrong end of. She giving you poor life lessons on relationships made you ideal for your now h to target . She does not live with him, you do and you know the truth re your financially abusive H.

Get support from the likes of Womens Aid and your university and plan your exit with care. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your mum sucks

Sorry love, but with a second baby on the way and possible separation, the studying will need to be parked

Run the numbers through the entitledto benefits calculator and see what you may get. He will need to pay you maintenance. Do you own or rent at the moment?

If you don't have any family support, I think you will be broke if you move with 2 kids. I think a lot of people do stay in relationships for this very reason. I know almost retired couples who divorce and ruin their finances and they don't have dependants -- you might have to accept poverty for 5 years (or more) if you just need to get away from him.

Otherwise, you could wait a few years (till the kids are at school ideally) and get a bit of money together. Stop spending the money on the house and let it go a bit so you have savings. If he can spend money on whatever he wants, you can do the same. Just refuse him access to your accounts like he does to you. If you have a 2nd baby coming, that'll be maybe 5 or 6 years away if you can wait.

Speak to the student support services at the uni for a start.

This sounds awful, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your mum sounds rubbish!
I work in healthcare, not a nurse but similar vibe and this what I would personally do to escape this horrible man.
When you say you’re halfway through your degree, are you finishing your second year this summer before baby is born? If so, I would finish up the second year and then defer your place, I believe you can defer for up to 2 years.
2 years of a nursing degree should entitle you to work as an HCA or there’s another role that I can’t remember the name of that’s between a nurse and an HCA and pays band 4. Pick up 2 days a week permanent (for holiday pay/sick pay/pension) and then work bank shifts on top (for extra money and flexibility).
You’ll get benefits and child support on top. I think you’d be ok (in theory, I obviously don’t know all about your finances).
If you’re early enough in your pregnancy, you could even start full time this summer. NHS maternity policies are amazing.
Then in 2 years, when life has settled, you’ll have one at school and one with funded childcare and you can finish up your degree.

Hadn’t realised this was from February 😂