What even is this? Sorry it's long!

[Keepstepp123]

My mother and I have a complicated relationship. On the surface we both play along and keep things superficial but now even that is proving tricky.

I grew up being brainwashed by my mum that she was the bees knees, an incredibly wise and emotionally mature pillar of society.

Strangely, I had this niggling feeling that something wasn't right. The way she made me feel was always 'off' and I'd say I actually felt scared of her (still do). She could be incredibly over sensitive and huff for days or weeks over things that, looking back, she had no business to be getting angry or weird about (she felt that my wedding was embarrassing as we isn't serve traditional wedding cake, I told her I didn't want kids immediately, I said I wanted to learn how to drive etc). She used me as her therapist growing up and was constantly slagging everyone under the sun off to me from childhood upwards. I out a stop to it in my twenties.

Through the years there have been fights and fall outs, but it's always because I did something 'wrong' and she wasn't ready to forgive me. She paints a picture of me as being hypersentive because I don't think it's funny for my weight or the size of my nose to be made fun of, for example. She is always the victim.

Anyway, the real turbulent times seem to be over as my dad told her that if she didn't tow the line, she would lose me. She has been playing nice ever since, and I do think she loves me I'm her own way, but it isn't normal.

I'm low contact but when we're together, I always try to keep things as greyrock/neutral as possible. But every.single.thing seems to be controversial. I cannot say anything without the immediate response being hostile or negative. Some examples:

Me: Oh, my friends have invited me out to a Lebanese restaurant next week
Mum: yuck! I had Lebanese food once and it was disgusting! It's just all bread and hummus!

Me: Some of us in work have joined a diet club and the one who loses the most wins money!
Mum: are you that motivated by money? Wouldn't interest me.

Me: so, we were thinking of bringing the kids to Disney land next year.
Mum: what for? To shake hands with Micky Mouse? Do you like that kind of thing? (Pretends to suppress a snigger)

Me: here are some photos from our recent camping trip. The kids had a blast and absolutely loved it!
Mum: looks wet. I'm sure the children were happy to get back to their beds after that.

Me: I got a new dress.
Mum: oh lovely. Another one, just like all the others that look identical to it.

I live in a beautiful tourist attraction area right by the sea, and any time we are together and meet someone we both know, and I tell them where we live, she makes a big deal of hating the beach.

If I tell her I'm going to the cinema it's always 'oh i hate that actress/that genre of film etc'

If I tell her anything the kids have been up to its always along the lines of 'and does she actually enjoy that?'

I was listening to a documentary in the background recently and she asked what it was. I told her and she said 'and do you think I'd be interested in that? How boring'

There is lots of pulling faces and pretending to snigger up her nose. A lot of it is so subtle I can't pull her up in it.

I cannot say anything. Everything has a weird response.

I've noticed more and more that when I tell her things my kids have achieved, clubs or teams they've been picked for, books their reading etc she will often say the right things 'oh congratulations' but I feel that really she resents it. I get the feeling she thinks I'm a pushy parent (I follow my kids interests and encourage them to overcome challenges). When my husband tells his mum some of the stuff our kids are involved in or the level they are competing at, she is always so full of pride and encouragement. My mum manages a 'oh, well done'.

I know I need to stay away from her. I don't want to go non contact as when we're apart, we get on fine via text message and life is low key drama.

It's when we are together. I had a revelation recently that it's not necessarily personal. She speaks like that to my dad quite a lot and I think she is just an incredibly contrary person.

It's just exhausting. I don't know what to make of it.

Ps I've had counselling, I'm in a good place (far from her) and have a very happy life. In fact I think this might be part of the problem.
Anyway, sorry for my rambling.

Thank you so much. Yes I have learned a lot from her! It wasn't all bad growing up, but some people just don't have the capacity for normal love. I've finally accepted that it's a 'her' issue but it's just hard to not get emotionally sucked in when she's pulling the rug from under me conversationally. Every time she does it, I now just think 'and THAT is why you don't see me of the grandkids much!' and I remember that ultimately I'm the one with the power in this dynamic.

For some people life is a zero sum game: every interaction is a win-lose experience. She has to make you lose so she can win. If she thinks you’ve won, she feels like a loser. It’s a mindset with no room for generosity of spirit and I think it must come from a fundamental insecurity. But it’s a mindfuck when you’re not even thinking that you’re in a competition, especially with your Mum, who, surely, is supposed to be on your side.

It sounds like very entrenched behaviour. Unless you think she’s got any motivation/ability to reflect and change you can only protect yourself from her bitter joylessness in whatever way works for you.

This sometimes comes from an internalised terror of being 'wrong'. I've found this difficult to explain, please forgive me for rambling a bit!

I'm your mum's age; we were born in a period of massive social change. A lot of adults struggled with shifting social standards, unstable hierarchies, shocking developments in fashion and the arts, behavioural rules breaking down - and a very real, immediate threat of nuclear war. It was a great time to be young but our enthusiasm was tempered by adults warning us of pitfalls. They didn't understand what was going on, which made it hard to protect and guide us.

Their own youth had been extremely hard: their teenage years marked by war; sudden death and disability in every family for two generations; harsh laws; strict religion. There wasn't even a National Health Service. They were raised with rigid rules that look downright brutal to our eyes - but at least they knew exactly what the rules were. By the time they had their own kids, all that was up in the air and they were scared.

I imagine that all of us, to some extent, absorbed our parents' fears. We certainly learned their rules, even if we chose to ignore them. It can lead to a sort of hypervigilance, where you instantly look for the pitfalls in everything - the fear of some dreadful consequence might not be verbalised, but it's there. Any rationality in this is long gone; it's become a kind of an ethic.

As to what, if anything, you can do about it: maybe a little, maybe nothing. I tend to use humour with both my 'inner voice' and others, but it needs to be gentle because we are dealing with fear. Sometimes these things just want to be acknowledged: yes, that actress can be irritating; true, not everyone likes a beach; yes, the dress is a similar style to my others; yes, DD enjoys that and it's harmless, why not?

Or you can just carry on ignoring it 😁

She sounds depressed also.

" I remember as a child asking why she always looked sad and her snapping back at me 'do I always have to have a bloody smile on my face for you!'. Then she would do a fake stupid big smile and say 'is this what you want???'

@Keepstepp123 it broke my heart for you to read this. You did not deserve to be treated in this way, especially as such a young child.

As others have said, you are not responsible for either her happiness or her sadness. I'm so glad to read you have a happy family life now. Keep focusing on that and on letting go. Low communication might help with that.

Reading this has been exactly like reading about my own mum. Every dig, every put down is exactly the same. Digs about my weight, where I live, celebrations about my kids, things they enjoy, friends I have - it has been constant. I'm 50-odd and have seen it for years but am only just really starting to accept we have a terrible relationship unless I plant a smile on my face and just agree with her. I describe her behaviour as "spikey". Sometimes she can be absolutely lovely to me but mostly she is spikey and continually puts me down, puts the children down, slags off other people. It's exhausting and draining. I'm currently in a period of no-contact with her. It's been about 6 weeks since our last contact when I called her out on some particularly shitty behaviour towards me. She, of course, acted the victim like I was so horrible but this suits her narrative so for now I have absolutely no intention to be back in touch. Even though I'm sad we have no relationship, my life is definitely better without her in it.

I think she is a miserable person.

You can’t have conversations with people like that.

Sounds just like my late mother. I was confused and angry as a teenager living with her. My friend from University who visited quite a bit and was studying psychology and went on to work in that area as a adult, pointed out that she wasn't unhappy. He said she chose what she said and enjoyed dominating everyone with her views. Made me realise that it wasn't really anything to do with me. I pretty much went no contact for 30 years after that. Some people just don't like other people. My mums mother a lovely and tough lady even said she didn't understand why my mum was like that.
It's not you OP and there is nothing you can do I think, to change things.

Speak to your dad alone and tell him what you've told us. He seems to have the handle on her.

Get him to take her to the GP as she's needing some kind of medication.

Every time she says something negative reply with "I'm sorry you feel like that".
She must surely then think "why dies sue keep saying that" and if she says anything you can tell her you're sorry to hear that she's so negative about everything.