I think I need some perspective

[DoTheEvolution]

I don’t want to drip feed, so apologies if this is long.

Been with my partner for 10 years, lived together for 6. I have 2 children from a previous relationship DD13 and DS10. Partner has always gotten along really well with my children and it feels like we’ve struct a decent balance, so far, with the whole step parent/blended family scenario.

Since starting our relationship, I’ve felt uncomfortable with the amount my partner drinks. He has reduced this over the years from a couple of bottles of wine a night and heavy drinking on weekends to the odd drink during the week and heavier, but not as bad, on the weekends. He still hides the amount he drinks, but isn’t very good at it so I always know.

He does very little housework, the odd thing consistently, but not much. e.g. washing up.

I look after all the finances, housework, shopping, cooking, washing, meal prep etc. We both work full time.

He does help out with the kids in terms of taxi service. They both do lots of after school activities and we live very rurally so lots of time in the car is required and he’ll always do this to help out.

I’m currently feeling really fed up. We seem to go round in circles where I tell him I feel I do too much around the house and that some things should be shared 50/50. He agrees, apologises, will do a bit more for a week or so and then go back to not doing much.

On top of this he is personally very messy. Leaves his stuff out all over the place, leaves clothes on the floor, never puts his stuff away, so I’m constantly tidying up after him.

He will say he just can’t keep up my standards, but I’m hardly a clean freak and just like things to be tidy. I don’t think it’s too much to ask. We now argue about it so regularly he’ll become frosty with me because it’s not what I’m saying, it’s how I say it. He says I speak to him like shit and make him feel bad.

I feel totally taken advantage of and like I don’t have a partner in the equal sense, I have someone else to look after. I’m ashamed to say that this cycle has been going on for 10 years. Whether it’s drinking, housework, contributing more to running a house together.

The flip side is that generally we get along well, share similar values, have fun and enjoy each others company. This is probably why we’ve stayed together so long now.

I don’t know what to do, whether I’m being unreasonable or if I should just leave. Has anyone successfully managed to get someone to do more, if so how? Am I expecting too much? I don’t think I’m approaching it in the right way at the moment because nothing I say ever seems to work.

After 6 years of asking for more help, and him paying lip service to that, he isn't going to change.

We can't tell you whether you should end it. Only you can make that decision.

He's not the worst bloke in the world, but its not fair to leave everything to you. You should consider whether or not you can put up with the excessive drinking and uselessness around the house.

Weigh up the benefits of staying and leaving and go from there.

You’re right.

I think that’s what I’m struggling with, he isn’t the worst bloke in the world and I just need to weigh up how I feel. I think that’s why we go round and round in circles.

It sounds like you would be better off dating then you can both run your households the way you want to.

That’s interesting.

We’re both in our mid 40s and he has never lived alone, only with his parents or partners. I sometimes wonder if this is partly why he is so messy, he has never had to clear up after himself.

Why would you have your children living with an alcoholic OP? I don't understand why you've stayed all this time.

I would end the relation because of his drinking to protect the children. The housework could get a cleaner but the drinking is a hard line.

He does help out with the kids in terms of taxi service. They both do lots of after school activities and we live very rurally so lots of time in the car is required and he’ll always do this to help out.

An alcoholic who hides his drinking, is driving your children around? 😳

The comments about his drinking are fair.

It is really obvious when he’s had a drink, even one, and although I do think he’s an alcoholic, I’ve never known him to drink during the late afternoon when the kids have clubs etc. It’s always in the evening.

We have talked about getting a cleaner, but he can’t afford it, so I would have to pay and that also doesn’t seem fair although it would probably help. Even if the cleaning was done, I’d still be doing the lions share of everything else.

The drinking has always been an issue for me and I bring it up a lot. He gets so defensive and will say he doesn’t get drunk like he used to or that he only had a couple etc.

An alcoholic is still an alcoholic, even if they are a 'functioning' one. Your dd is 13, do you really want this as an example of what a relationship is and what drinking is?
I think you're right that no one has ever expected him to do anything, so it's time to weigh up what he brings to the relationship against the parts you feel you can't deal with anymore.