Jealous Neighbour

[genia]

Did I react stupidly? My neighbour is a childminder and is always telling me that I spoil ds (now 13 months). She often grabs him off me if we go there and he is not particularly at ease with her though on one occasion he was. Today she did the same, grabbed him off me at the door which he did not like (I think he is having another phase of separation anxiety) - took him all the way to her fish tank in the kitchen at which point he was looking scared/uncomfortable. He saw me and called out for me and then she did this little dance where she wouldn't give him back to me. I got on the spot angry and almost physically grabbed him from her - got in the way of her dance and said "Mirnel! Give him to me". Things were a little strained after that and I soon left. I would never grab somebody's baby who didn't want to be grabbed and so I am surprised that she would do so. Told dh what had happened and he maintains I am overreacting and doesn't want to talk about it... Am I being stupid? I'm sick of being told we spoil him every time I go there. Today she said to ds "did Mummy give you a cold?" because he has a runny nose. Dh thinks everything depends on how I take things but I think that's a downright bitchy comment? What do you think? Am I being petty? Basically I'm going to try to not go there for the next 3 or 4 months...
She knows I would never leave ds with a childminder (not at this age anyway) and somehow I think this narks her in some way.

No you didn't overreact - I would have thought a sensitive childminder would be able to gauge the reactions of parent and child far better - I think that's shocking!

Well done for not being more rude! I think I would have been...

genia, you did exactly as I would have done so IMO no you did the right thing - you know your child and this person seems very very insensitive to your child and you as a parent. Whatever she is trying to prove isn't working and when your child is old enough she better watch out children don't hold back must fly

I don't think you overreacted either. I like to think I am a tolerant person, but I would not tolerate that.

I was an only child and I was always being told that I was spoilt by my so called 'friends', so I know how upsetting it can be. I would only expect to hear it from a jealous 12 year old not a full grown adult.

I would agree that she is acting as if she is jealous and controling. I don't think I would go back for a while either.

I don't think you over reacted.
She seems to believe, that just because she is a childminder, that she knows more about children, or has some kind of way with them. No one knows a child like it's own parent !!!
I used to go to a mother and toddler group that was frequented by a few childminders, on one occasion I witnessed one cm verbally abuse a child, in the most appauling way, she left in a hurry after the incident, because a parent threatened to report her. It certainly put me right off childminders !!

I agree, I don't think this was an overreaction. I think this woman was incredibly insensitive and needed to be told that her behaviour was unnacceptable.

I agree that you were right. YOu should always be on your child's side, even if it upsets other adults. They need you to help them and be their advocate - that's what being a mother is all about IMO. No adult would want to be dragged off against their will, why should a child? She doesn't sound much of a loss to your social life, frankly. Don't let it bother you though.

Genia, why do you go round to her house? You don't sound as if she's a friend, will it be difficult to avoid her? If she invites you round can you come up with an excuse, or only go when your ds is somewhere else or with your dh?

It's best to try and stay on cordial terms with neighbours, as they can make your life very difficult otherwise; try not to antagonise her, just make it difficult for her to get to your ds.

Thanks everybody. I'm glad I'm not being silly as dh would have me believe. No she isn't really a friend but quite a good neighbour. She never comes here but I go there more often - but it won't be difficult not to do it for a while by which time ds will have changed and the situation won't be able to come up in that way. In general though I'm sick of hearing that we spoil him and so that's another reason to back off. You're right jac34 when you say that she seems to believe she knows better - she's got 3 kids etc... You're also right Tissy about staying on cordial terms with neighbours... The neighbours on our other side (not attached to us luckily) don't speak to us anymore ever since they tried to make us pay a bill for the unblocking of their drain and it would be awful if things were as bad with this lot.
Thanks again.
Eugeniaxx

Update... Yesterday I HAD to go to the neighbour's house as I didn't have my keys. She left ds alone and he walked around quite happily "talking" to her and watching her sons. I guess I got my message across whatever she may think of me (which is irrelevant).

Well done Genia - what a relief!

It's a hard choice isn't it? But as I think someone else has already said on the thread, if you don't stand up for your children who will? I still feel guilty that when a neighbour was pushing my ds to be friendly towards her dogs I didn't stand up for him then (he was plainly terrified) - I still don't know why I didn't put my foot down. Misplaced kindness towards old ladies, I guess

Same old lady just called through the window to let me know my ds is crying in his room (he's having problems going to sleep atm with all the upheaval in the house). Um, yes I know... thank you, bye!