Are we being grey rocked?

[Blackchaircushion]

Trying to fathom an odd situation with my sister.

We’ve previously had a good and close relationship. About a year ago her partner lost their job and financially things were difficult. They were loaned money from family (not us) to keep afloat and whilst her partner has a new job they maintain that money is still very tight. The loan has never been repaid. Following this my sister stopped calling and messages to see how they are were responded to with nothing more than a ‘fine’ or ‘we’ve been busy’. We also experienced a bereavement on my husbands side and her partner didn’t even pass on his condolences. I am currently making plans for a big birthday this year and plan to spend some of it in her city with other friends. I suggested she could meet up with us for drinks (thinking it wouldn’t be too much of a financial ask) but she never replied. For context from the little they post on social media they do still manage to attend the odd night out.

More recently our mother has been very unwell. I don’t live nearby and so I have been messaging to get updates from her perspective (parents often don’t give the full story!). These messages often go without a response for days. I get told they don’t get notifications yet they reply in the family chat group. During a recent visit we were alone together and she was odd. Very breezy but extremely brief with everything she had to say. I really wanted to just ask what the heck was up but with everything going on decided it wasn’t the best time. It was like she was a bit robotic to be honest.

There has never been a falling out so I can’t get my head around it but everything about their behaviour suggests they are disengaged and it’s upsetting. Their behaviour towards my parents is similar. Given all the support they have had I think it’s just a bit cruel and I think they know no one will rock the boat to avoid a row and not getting to see our nephew.

Any ideas?

Just ask, clearly something is wrong. Maybe text then leave her to reply. Send nothing more at all until she does.

There are a lot of possibilities- she could be dealing with a massive crisis she doesn’t want to share with you, which limits what she can say.

Problems don’t queue nicely. They can pile up willynilly. She could have developed alcoholism, or a health condition, he could be a problem gambler, as well as what you already know about. Maybe he had an affair.

Or less dramatically, she’s peed off that people didn’t check in with how they were last year, and weren’t supportive enough. Perhaps unreasonably.
You just don’t know and won’t until you see her in in person and have a proper conversation about her, rather than your birthday or your mum’s illness.

We have checked in on them that’s the thing, not just to message about birthdays or illness. My parents have also really put themselves out to help them as well, lending money and looking after my nephew so they could have some respite/attend work despite their own health issues. They themselves have said they don’t want to say anything in case they can’t see their grandchild.

I do this when I don't have the mental energy to cope. Maybe there is more going on. Speak to her. She could be embarrassed that she had to accept help.

Maybe she is mortified at their situation. Withdrawn rather than talk about 'uncomfortable things'. I suspect that when their troubles end she will perk up in spirits and normal energy levels will be back.
I have been overwhelmed with 'life' and struggled to find energy to cope with 'normal.'

Honestly OP it sounds like you are pushing too hard and expecting too much from them.

It is very likely that they are dealing with their own issues and don't have the time or the energy to dedicate to family members at the moment.

Not everyone also is keen to share what is going on in their lives with others. You need to respect that.

I hardly think it’s pushing too much to message every now and again to say ‘how’s things’, ‘how’s nephew getting on’. These are just normal family interactions? I’m not messaging every spare minute demanding to know what they have been up to and in fact I’m barely contacting them at all at the moment given how much they have pulled back and only in connection with our mother given the current situation.

Have you tried phoning (not messages) or calling over? I know a lot of people say give people their space etc but really it’s better to check.

They live several hours away from us so can’t really just drop in. When I have spoken on the phone her partner has been there in the background.

When I saw her in person recently and we were alone she was like a different person. Almost seemed amused at all the goings on with my parents and as I say ‘breezy’. It was so off that I couldn’t bring myself to say anything I was that unnerved by her demeanor. I honestly felt like I was being mugged off.

I think they just don't want to pay the loan back and they know if they behave like this then it won't get raised with them. Or they are pushing your parents into a position of feeling the need to please them by writing it off (like a form of negging). 'No good deed goes unpunished' unfortunately.

Could they be feeling that you could have done more to help when they went through the difficult spell, either moral or financial support?

Wouldn't make their behaviour right, but if they felt hurt or aggrieved it would explain it

We have had a similar thing happen in our family. I suspect it’s due to one family members attitude/behaviour/complete lack of effort that’s made them withdraw in our case. They still speak occasionally but no longer include themselves in family events or visits.
Funnily enough the owe a sum of money too.

Do you think they feel like they got no support when they needed it? They could be hiding from the loan and burying their head in the sand or have things going on that they don’t want to share.

Maybe they think you should have helped out more when parent was sick instead of just messaging.
Maybe they don't like the fact that your parents have so obviously discussed their finances with you and that they gave them a loan, when it's not really your business.
Just trying to think of their side of things.

For heaven’s sake, she’s your sister. Just talk to her! Call when you both have the time and space to talk and just ask

They didn’t specifically ask us for money so it’s not necessarily a case that we refused to help them. I was aware my parents gave them money on a number of occasions during that time but I don’t know that they know I am aware. I’ve never brought it up with them.

In terms of helping, they also don’t live near my parents, they are closer but still over an hour away. I have spent the last couple of months driving down and up to visit and help whereas they have not unless to drop off my nephew for babysitting. I message my sister for updates because my mother has form for telling people different things. It’s always been like that and the checking goes both ways.

Clearly she is upset about something - why not just ask her?

It does not have to be confrontational

send a WhatsApp

If she doesn’t reply then I’d just keep well back from her - as that is what she obviously wants

Are you close in age? I think with one of my siblings it is about sibling rivalry.

I'd call her and tell her that you miss her and ask her if there's anything you've done or not done as you feel that you've grown apart a little

She sounds mega busy and overwhelmed so approach it kindly

Hi OP

What’s her partner like? Is he controlling? Or is your sister the dominant half of the couple?

Sounds to me like one or the other (or both) have decided on controlling their engagement with the rest of the family.

Think I would probably take a step back on the texting myself and see what happens. Or on one of your visits to your mum, would you be able to turn up to theirs early, unannounced? You might see something that would give you more information- like, they’re doing very well for themselves, thank you very much, and aren’t now really interested in having a relationship with the rest of the family - or only as it suits them.

If your DM has form for telling different people different things - are you sure you've heard the truth from your DM about the contact your DSis has with them? And could your DM have said something to your DSis to stir up trouble between you?

The tone of your posts is quite negative about her. There's this sudden change but you don't sound at all worried about her, just annoyed, did you realise it came across this way? I know this is an anonymous forum so what you tell us here is a tiny snapshot and not necessarily reflective of your communication with her. But even if your DSis can't have got that message from you, could your DM have told your DSis something similar you've said and so your DSis feels like you are judging her?

Maybe try suggesting the two of you do something you know she loves that you used to do when you had a good and close relationship and try and find out what's going on.