was i sexually assaulted by my dad?

[whoismillie]

I've always had a weird feeling my dad had done something to me as a kid. It's like this weird feeling that's followed me forever. Me and my mum had a conversation in the car that made me more suspicious and uneasy. She told me she also had this feeling but could never prove anything (her and dad were divorced and not living together.) She had told me that when I was younger I wouldn't let anyone touch me near my cooch (no idea what to call it.) She told me I would scream and get all uncomfortable. She also said my cooch was always red and swollen as a kid, she thought It could have just been my pee was acidic but she never knew.

She mentioned when I was about 5, he was still showering with me, still wiping my bum and nether parts. She apparently asked me about it one day and I told her he was. She confronted him about it and all he said was "she doesn't know how to do it herself" when he knew damn well I did. I was 5. Right up till when I was about eight, maybe nine, he used to dry me after I would have a shower. It was only when mum had to move in with us he stopped. Even then he was still handing me my pajamas while i stood naked in the bathroom.

As I said Ive always had this incling that he had done something. its always a thought of "did he?". When me and mum were talking about it, it was really uneasy. Made me feel like i was going to vomit. Dad was also a drunk so that adds onto my suspicion even more. I hate to think of my dad that was but it lingers with me. Am i crazy to think this?

So sorry @whoismillie You are not crazy.

Is it not normal to help a child dry after a bath? I dry my children after their bath and hand them their pyjamas. I also still help them wipe because they struggle with it.

I'm not saying nothing happened to you but I am saying the things you've mentioned wouldn't be automatic red flags to me.

Were you never taken to the doctors about your vulva being red and sore?

I'm sorry you are thinking this , it must be on your mind constantly .
In all honesty , you may never find out .
Perhaps your mind is playing tricks on you , and maybe your mum is right by saying it could be down to urine infections etc. Did she ever take you to the GP ?
Obviously it could all be right and he has done something.
Could you talk this through with an agency that deals with this type of thing ( historic child abuse )

@whoismillie : did you live solely with your dad as a young child?

I think the key point here is your feelings that things were not right.

Objectively, the drying etc does not seem strange to me, the soreness really does. You are having uncomfortable feelings so perhaps it’s ring to seek help (therapy?). The alcoholism in itself will have had a very negative impact on you

Do you have good support in real life? Going back on a difficult childhood in your mind can be very emotionally difficult so try to make sure it’s the right time for you

This is tricky. I'm sorry you are upset.

What struck me was if your Mum suspected something wasn' t right, why did she not intervene at the time? Why did she allow your Dad to shower you even if they were divorced ? Presumably you didn't need a shower every single time you stayed with him?

By your 'cooch' do you mean you vagina (sorry but I've never heard 'cooch' before.) Or just the whole area- vulva.

FWIW my 2 DCs (now adults) had help in the shower up to age 9/10.
My son used to ask us to help wipe his bum when he was 9.
My DD stopped being helped in the shower (by me) when she was 10 and starting to get pubic hair- she wanted privacy.

It does sound very suspicious when you say about not allowing anyone near your bits/your mum saying they were always red etc.

i would just add that my 11year old DS still asks me to stay in the bathroom with him when he showers/has a bath. I think its just for company and with him being a boy, he’s becoming adverse to washing!. As we chat away. I also wrap him in a towel before he gets out (switching the shower off-otherwise he would stay for hours!) and then i leave his clothes/pjs out for him to get into. Nothing untoward happens, its just something we've done since he was tiny.

is your dad still around? Would you feel able to ask him about this? Do you feel you could open up to a counsellor maybe for some professional advice?

It's too hard to know, one of our DC doesn't drink enough at times and has dry skin issues and so gets red easily then doesn't like having cream put on as it's sore.
Also at 5 it's not completely uncommon to help wipe, especially if there is issues with getting sore from not doing it properly.
Regarding bathing, did you ever express discomfort? DH helped do DDs hair/would help her get out of the bath until about 8, then she started getting more private and since the first time she said I only want mum to he will stand outside the door to reply to her or call me up if she's ready for her hair to be done etc.
However it sounds like you feel things weren't right, which counts for a lot.
So basically nothing you've said sounds inherently wrong, but if something made you feel uncomfortable then that's not right especially if any of this was after you showed discomfort around privacy.

I keep coming back to this- if your Mum had any suspicion then, why did she not act on it?

Most mums would hit the roof if they suspected sexual abuse of a daughter.

I know people do turn a blind eye for all kinds of reasons. But at the same time, she's talking about it now so you need answers from her.

How often did you see your dad?

I don't understand her comment about you'd not let anyone touch you- why on earth would anyone need to touch you intimately, at any time?

I don’t know, but I wouldn’t say it’s usual to have a gut feeling/uneasiness out of nowhere. Perhaps some therapy might help? It must be a heavy feeling to carry around.

As for helping with wiping, etc. I still occasionally help my 6 year old wipe. I’ve tried to get him to do it himself but I’ve recently learnt he often just doesn’t wipe so now I have to supervise to make sure he does it. I also get him dried when he gets out of the shower (including ensuring his bum is dried properly because he has eczema), he doesn’t care about being naked around me. I’m not sure how long that will go on for though, I like to teach him independence but sometimes kids are lazy and it’s ultimately the parent’s responsibility to make sure their child’s intimate needs are sorted.

Nevertheless, I will stress that just because these are normal parenting habits it doesn’t mean that your dad, sadly, wasn’t using them as an opportunity to be inappropriate. I do think counselling might help to recover and treat any repressed memories.

I think you may be in a position where you never know the answer to this. However, I would hesitate to rely on your mum's thoughts.

My own mother told me she thought my dad abused me - years after they divorced. She did so because she wanted me to hate my dad. It actually made me think WHY THE FUCK didn't SHE take any sort of initiative or take me to the doctors if that was what she thought?

Nothing you have described sounds particularly odd - it's normal for a young child not to want someone to go near their privates (why would she be doing that?). What isn't normal IMO is for a mother to see their child suffering and in pain, suspect abuse, and yet do nothing except bring it up years later, particularly to cast aspersions on the other parent.

OP, this is an area where you are unlikely to get answers, and only therapy can help you process that and help you understand what you want. Good luck.

On another note, is there any possibility that your mum might have a motivation for planting such ideas in your mind?

I do find it strange that she didn’t act upon any untoward feeling at the time. Also, that she didn’t get the redress/soreness in your privates investigates by a doctor. Perhaps your dad was helping you wipe because you weren’t doing it competently which was resulting in soreness and infection?

We can’t give you the answers I’m afraid. Just some things to consider.

Not many 5 years olds are reliable at wiping their bums properly OP.
In school of course they will have to do the best they can, but at home it's a normal age for parents still helping.

I know you said you could but can you really remember what you could do at 5? (I can't.)

This isn't dismissing what you think could have happened.

How did the conversation in the car with your Mum start? What prompted this chat about your Dad?

Hi sorry for your worries That must be awful to be playing on your mind
but I wanted to say I have a little girl who often gets very red and sore would scream from the pain. I took her to the gp who said prob from acid in pee. She is ten now and it has lessened but still happens from time to time.
she has never been abused in any way.
Hope you get some peace

It sounds like normal parenting to help a small child with bath, shower etc. it’s hard to know what happened

Her reasons where that she never had proof, as they didnt live together. She had been sexually abused herself so she was also concerned she was just over paranoid in itself. As the comment on not letting anyone touch me, she was extrmely concerned as i was constantly irritated and red raw.

I hope you're okay now.