In Limbo

[stuckinthemiddlewithhim]

Name change - On Saturday I had a lot of wine and I told my partner of 12 years I think we are done. I also accused him of gaslighting me for the last 6 years amongst other things. He is a big drinker, a bit of a misogynist. I don't fully remember what I said, he was bringing it all up last night and I was honest and said I couldn't remember everything I said and he said we can't come back from this. (Not that I want too - this has been a long time coming). He is now accusing me of all sorts and I can't justify why I called him a gaslighter but I know what he does I just can't explain it too him. I started doubting myself and thinking is it perimenopause, have I over imagined things. Then I came down from the toilet and my phone was lit up and it was open on deleted messages so he had been through my phone. (nothing to find there anyway but not the point)

So now, he is barely talking to me but we are both stuck under the same roof and I don't know what to do. We live in a relatives house rented, so obviously I am not willing to leave but I don't think he has any plans too either. We both have grown children that live with us (his and mine - none together)

You’ve been bold and brave and you’ve said things you know are true.

How long have you been sitting on these feelings for? Have you shared them with any friends? Have your kids commented on how he behaves to you or to them?

Telling a gaslighting person that they gaslight you is always going to be a challenge. Gaslighters ain’t gonna admit to it. But for your own piece of mind, you need to separate your truth from your drunken memories of Saturday events. Can you write down for yourself - in your phone / as an email to yourself / by hand, it doesn’t matter how - a few examples from your relationship where your needs or your version of events are going unmet, ignored and / are invalidated, in the way that gaslighting works? The experience of gaslighting means that we lose our grip on the facts because we start not to trust ourselves.

Did he respond to your points at the time - from what you can remember - in a way you might have expected? I mean did he show any curiosity in seeing how your shared life is from your perspective? Or was it more, just as you describe, your words against his and no recognition of your truth?

Do you have any specific reasons for blaming perimenopause for your relationship issues over these last 6 years? Gaslighting can and does lead to a gradual loss in confidence, so please assess carefully before you blame yourself.
Your reasons for staying are good ones in the circumstances, but you can over time change these. Whose relative are you living with? His or yours?

If it’s your relatives house, tell him he has 2 weeks to leave with his children or he will be removed forcibly by the police. He’s a grown man and he has to have a deadline or he will drag his heels to find somewhere new. From what you say he’s abusive. He gaslights you and he’s riffling through your phone. That’s controlling behaviour and abuse. Tell him to get out and then grey rock him. Once he’s out, block him everywhere so he can’t try and hoover you back in.

A relative of mine owns the house and we rent.

He googled gaslighting and said I had gaslighted him. He didn't admit to anything he just brought up things from before. I have retaliated in the past but it's because he wound me up purposefully and then when I reacted he played the victim. I have been unhappy for years but felt stuck, I think now I have just had enough, it's a toxic relationship. If I don't agree with his views or his way of thinking i'm the one in the wrong, my opinions never count for anything. We never argue when he is sober, he needs to have a drink and then he just rants.

This is a common abuser tactic. To turn everything round on the victim. It’s called DARVO. Look it up. Have you read this book?

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

It’s very enlightening and will help you get straight in your head the things he’s been doing. It will also help you to spot red flags in the future.

Do you have a lease agreement in writing and is his name on it as a joint tenant? If so, speak to shelter to get correct info about how to get him out. If he’s not in the lease or you don’t have one since you’re renting from family, just tell him he has 2 weeks to get out. If he starts giving you any grief,
call the cops and have them remove him from the property immediately.

No tenancy agreement, I will see how the land lies when I get in tonight. Part of me wants him to kick off so I can just phone the police and get him out. He pays the rent from his bank I just transfer him my half of rent and bills so he says that's proof that he rents the house.

Call the cops, tell them he is abusive, tell them he goes through your phone, he rants at you, doesn’t allow you to have an opinion, gaslights you, that he is refusing to leave the property when he has no right to be there as there is no legal lease agreement and the house is owned by your family member. If you can get your family member to confirm they want him out their house that would be good. Speak to women’s aid and shelter to see what your rights are if you’re in the uk.

Thank you, I am waiting to get onto the online chat with Shelter for some advice

How did I end up here? I am still doubting myself that he hasn't really done anything wrong but this is what he wants me to think isn't it? It's not all in my head.

Well done for finding your way to speaking the truth.
No going back to with this man is a good place to be, for you and your child/children.
Once you have space from him, it will become even clearer to you than it is now.

You stop trying to be "right" and get him to agree, and instead just move forward. He doesn't need to be proven "wrong" for the relationship to be over, and for him to need to move out. You tell the big drinking misogynist that he has a month to find alternative accomodation for him and his children, as the relationship is over and he will need to vacate by xx date or before.

Stick to your guns, save your energy, whether he is or isn't a gaslighter or who's the worse gaslighter out if the two of you is a bit of a futile competion to engage in.

Ask your relative for a tennancy agreement in your name, get them to back date it to the date you moved in. Secure your passwords.

He hasn’t really done anything wrong?

He gaslights you - that’s abuse
He goes through your phone - that’s controlling
He uses DARVO on you - that’s abuse
He is threatening to not leave and say he pays the rent so essentially he’s saying you need to leave your home rented from your family. That’s shitty behaviour.
You are doubting yourself because he has conditioned you for so long to think you’re the problem. You’re not the problem. And in any case, you have the right to end any relationship that doesn’t make you happy. Abusive or not.