Struggle is real!

[mugonmyforehead25]

Why can't ex partners/dads co parent?

I'm literally soo sick of having to constantly get our nearly two year old daughter back into a routine because he says 'she will sleep when I want her too' and her going to sleep at 11pm just because he wants to spite me.

I have my mum as the middle person as going through courts at the moment for a non molestation order and pettiness is crazy right now! He's been asking over the last couple of weeks for the stuff he brought her back, for example a pink coat, her fluffy bag and purse, her coco melon trolley and her microwave beanie teddy. He has also said that if I don't find the strap pad for her pram he will send the pram back meaning the car seat will go too when he don't drive! He keeps making comments and digs saying she will be living with him in two years. Last Thursday when my mum met him with her he gave our daughter a £50 note and said 'you going to come shopping with daddy' 'daddy going to treat you' knowing my mum would tell me yet has been off work sick and saying to my mum another time that he has lost money and won't be able to pay me maintenance and have her as he will lose his flat. This guy is 37 next month and it's just really fucking embarrassing. He was deliberately late dropping her to my mum yesterday because he knows that I would be there and clearly wanted to 'bump' into me and then continued to loiter round my mums, he then walked past with a bag of wet washing and said these need drying and dumped them on the pram and walked off while I was sorting our daughters stuff and putting it in the car when he knows I don't want to see him or talk to him.

I am soo drained by this childish behaviour. I think I'm just going to give him the pram and car seat and buy my own because it's just all ridiculous all because he brought her the stuff. It's taking it off our daughter not me. Why do they have to be like this? 😩

Do you have a court order in place? Have you applied for CMS?

What's the Non Molestation order for?

No it's not in place yet, it's been dragged out and been a ball ache of honest lots of miss communication and we are now due a third hearing on the 11th of march. CMS are involved but he pays me directly I might just change it to them taking a cut and so they take it straight out his wages if honest. The non mole is so he doesn't have contact with me and my other three children, he's a mentally and emotional abuser, it's an extremely long story.

So sorry you're going through this. He sounds like a bog standard abusive cunt! Still trying to be controlling whilst using your daughter as a weapon. I'd definitely get through the court cases so he has accountability. And definitely go through CMS as that way he can't stop paying you out of the blue. Really hope you get it sorted soon 😊

It sounds complicated and I assume you have support through an IDVA.

I'm not sure why he has access if he's abusive and no court order is in place but I assume you're following advice.

Are you keeping a diary of his behaviour? Collating evidence of his bad parenting? Do you use a co parenting app?

Yes, go through CMS. The less power he has over you the better.

It's honestly so draining.

It's just constant he's always got a comment or a dig or some sort of issue that he has to say to my mum every time knowing it gets back to me!

I'm just going to buy my own pram and he can have 'his' one back. I'll go through all her stuff too and whatever he has got her I'll give it back because I'm not having this every time he's due to have her.

I've kept access because of our daughter I don't want to stop him seeing her as he is no threat to her. If this continued deliberately not keeping to routines and stuff keeps happening then I will end up stopping access as it's not fair on me, last night she didn't sleep till 10.45 because she went to sleep the night before at 11pm as he said 'she will sleep when I want her too' he lets her sleep in as he doesn't want to wake early with her so makes her go back to sleep then lets her have naps late so she's up til late. My mum explained to him that I've got her in a routine and he knows this he's just being spiteful. Yes I'll contact CMS today to sort that out.

I have also passed all this on to my solicitors too.

They just do it to try and get a reaction out of you. I know it's hard but don't let him see that it's getting to you. I agree to you getting your own pram and stuff, that way he can't moan about anything, though you can guarantee he'll find something to be a twat about🙄 stay strong and be so goddamned happy that he's your ex😁

You can't see it OP, but you're doing a great job. I know it's hard, hopefully it will get easier.💐

Thank you 🫶🏻

His behaviour when he has her, and at drop off is abusive though, even if not physically threatening. It’s not good for her to be exposed to any of it.

He is an abuser. That won’t change, do you honestly think he’ll bring anything positive to her life?

If you have not done the Freedom Programme yet, have a look.

No you are right.

He will end up trying to turn her against me and poison her mind.

I've kept access because of our daughter I don't want to stop him seeing her as he is no threat to her.
Maybe not when she is two but in a couple of years when she's been to school and wanting a little independence, as they do at 4-5yrs, that will be the time he starts. Look up the boiled frog analogy.

If a man abuses a woman he said he loved you can GUARANTEE he will abuse his children one way or another. An abusive, manipulative, controlling person doesn't only do it to one person, they do it to anyone who is vulnerable. Protect her as much as possible by doing it properly via the courts. Do you have the court approved app for your communications? If not then get it.

I know its really difficult, but you (and your mum) have to learn not to react, because that's exactly what he's feeding off. I know it goes against everything you want to do/say, but honestly, once you've learnt how to stop reacting, life will be so much better. So don't argue things, just agree non comittally or grey rock. But yes, petty as it seems, I'd make sure his things stay at his and vice versa
And definitely go through cms, let them take straight from his wages

I'm going to sort the CMS I don't react I just vent to my mum. My mum don't say much really she just said that I've got her in a routine but he don't care. Just makes it worse for me really because now I've got to get her back into a routine and then by the time I have she goes back to him for the night and it's ruined again.

Once the non mole is in order I'll start the child contact arrangements as that's my plan I'm just concentrating on one thing at a time at the moment as it's all overwhelming.

I'll start the child contact arrangements.

Why will you be starting them? If HE wants to see her then HE starts the court process not you. I can never understand why women waste time, energy and money doing something the man should be doing if he wants to be in contact with his own child. Would he really bother with her if he had to spend time and money going to court, because not many do if they have to actually do anything. It really doesn't help the child emotionally or mentally long term being with an abusive parent. However, I do understand how overwhelming it all is for you, it can be bad enough leaving an abusive relationship even without children involved so I do wish you good luck

No you do have a fair point why should I start it all. I don't think he would bother if honest as he says he don't have the money as he's said it before.

He won't bother because he knows I rely on him having her the little amount he does anyways just to have a break, as I do struggle with doing it on my own as I have 4 children and one with additional needs.

Thing is I've been told by numerous people to just cease the contact because of the way he is and I think maybe that's my only option because he will poison her mind as she grows up. The stuff he comes out with it just disgusting and he constantly slates me as a person and a mother.

OP I've been following your thread and you don't seem to have any professional support. Don't allow an abusive man access to your child. Stop contact and inform the school. Tell him to apply to court for access.

If he gets aggressive then contact the police. You can contact Rights of Women for free legal advice or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for further support.

No I don't, that's something I need to look for. I don't really know my rights as a mother when it comes to an abusive ex partner because I know if he takes me to court the courts frown upon a parent who stops contact. Although he accuses me all the time of doing this when I don't, I've never stopped him seeing his daughter.

You can withhold contact if there's abuse. Gather all evidence of his abuse such as text messages, voicemail, witnesses and keep a diary. You do not need to attend mediation if there's abuse.

Apply for CMS and do not block him because first, he could alert you to his intentions and second, you can use text messages and voicemail as evidence. Divert his number to voicemail and completely ignore him.

Gingerbread are a good organisation to call regarding support as a single parent. I've already advised you to contact Rights of Women and the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

I have a lot of evidence which I've sent over to the solicitors for the non molestation order. I block him because I can't deal with it every day it's very exhausting I've put up with it for two years.

I know it's exhausting. You might also find Child Law Advice helpful. They have a good website and helpline.