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Original poster

Blaming me for sunburn

43 replies

Daydreamer81 · 03/02/2025 09:50

Last year, my boyfriend and I, both 30, went on our first holiday abroad together. We spent a week in Spain, and on the last day, I suggested we spend some time at the beach since I love relaxing in the sun with a book. We had done a lot of tourist activities during the week, so he agreed it would be a nice ending to our trip. We're both fair-skinned, and he’s ginger, so we had been applying sunscreen throughout the week with no issues.

On the beach, I made sure to reapply my sunscreen every few hours, and my boyfriend saw me doing it. He went for a swim, but didn’t reapply. The next day, he was very sunburned and even went to the doctor, who diagnosed him with second-degree sunburn.

Here's where the problem comes in: he blames me for his sunburn. He says I should have reminded him to reapply the sunscreen, arguing that since it was his first beach holiday, he didn’t know that sunscreen washes off after swimming and needs to be reapplied more frequently. I assumed that, as a 30-year-old man with fair skin, he’d already know this. After all, he saw me reapplying, but didn’t take the initiative to do it himself.

Now I’m wondering: Am I at fault here? Am I to blame? I suggested the beach day and knew the importance of reapplying sunscreen. I’m only thinking about it again because we’ve had a few arguments recently, and he tends to avoid taking responsibility, always shifting the blame onto me. Looking back, I’m starting to wonder if this was a red flag I should have noticed earlier.

OP posts:

GingerIsBest · 03/02/2025 11:10

So the beach was the first time but he's done it again and, I'm guessing, there was something recently where again, he's blaming you?

No, it's completely unacceptable. It's also weirdly common for a lot of people, especially men. I am convinced it's to do with how men are socialised to expect others to serve them on some weird instinctive level. I don't think it's necsesarily a deal breaker, but it does require you to be able to tell him he's wrong and for him to consider that. DH has a bit of a habit of this too and it drives me absolutely CRAZY.

ItGhoul · 03/02/2025 11:11

Of course it's not your fault that he got sunburnt. He's a grown man. Surely he's just as capable of reading the instructions on a bottle of sunscreen as you are. How the hell were you supposed to know he'd got to the age of 30 without understanding how sun cream works?!

There is nothing less attractive than a man who acts like a child and needs mothering.

Plus, I bet it would be a no-win situation where, if you actually had badgered him to keep reapplying sunscreen, he'd have accused you of nagging/fussing.

CarefulN0w · 03/02/2025 11:16

Yuck. I don't think I could continue a relationship with a 30 year old who expected me to tell him how to wear sunscreen. Sorry OP, but he has failed adulting and this has the potential to get worse. Much worse.

HaroldLeftEye · 03/02/2025 11:19

If he's still harping on about it months later and still blaming you, I can't see that you've got much of a relationship left.

Pootles34 · 03/02/2025 11:47

Jesus, how can you sleep with such an excuse for an adult? And to still be going on about it a year later 😂 Honestly OP, you can do better.

twoshedsjackson · 03/02/2025 12:04

My late DF served in the military in WW2, and some of this time was spent in North Africa. I remember, as a child grumbling about suncream, being told that serving soldiers who were rendered unfit for duty by severe sunburn after deliberately sunbathing could be court-martialled for intentional self-neglect. (Probably exaggerated a bit for a stroppy six-year-old, but......)
I mention the historical period for context; the risks of sunburn are news to absolutely nobody and there are far more options available these days than covering up. Some of those young squaddies would have been in their late teens, but common sense was a basic expectation.
In this case, we have a young man of 30, an age when many young men are cheerfully shouldering responsibility for their own offspring, let alone sensible self-care.
Reverting to army-speak for a moment, "I would not breed from this officer."

AwaitingFreedom · 03/02/2025 12:13

he tends to avoid taking responsibility, always shifting the blame onto me.

I don't mean to be snotty but can you explain why you want to stay with someone like this? Surely being blamed for everything is a deal breaker and this relationship should be over by now. And don't come back with the crap answer of "but I lurve him", there's nothing loveable about that kind of nasty controlling behaviour. You need to question and look inwards as to why you are tolerating this from him.

dementedpixie · 03/02/2025 12:20

Did you not offer to apply it to his back and did he not put it on your back? I certainly can't put it on my own back and need help. I know he's a grow man but did you just watch him burn and say nothing? Nor even offer the bottle of lotion when you are using it?

Maybe its because I have children i am more aware of whats happening with others and will check if anyone needs it when I am using it myself.

Snorlaxo · 03/02/2025 12:20

It is a red flag - he sees you as his mother.

If you’d told him to reapply sunscreen then he would have moaned that you’re not his mourner as well (or you can’t win)

A man who can’t do basic things like take care of himself is a massive turn off and definitely the type who will sulk and moan when his partner has babies or elderly parents whose needs also need to be taken care of.

This is clearly a pattern and I suspect that his previous relationships would have ended because of this abusive behaviour. A normal person would be embarrassed that they forgot or were too lazy to reapply- not be angry that you didn’t get sunburned too.

Original poster

Daydreamer81 · 03/02/2025 13:18

I probably put the cream on his back when he first put it on but tbh I never gave it a thought that he hadn't put more on. Just presumed he was lying on his back or did it himself.
I didn't hide the fact I was reapplying it, I would have had to search in the bag for cream, making noise etc and would have probably said someth like 'I'll put some more cream on then go get another lot of drinks.' He was well aware I had the cream out and could have topped up hhimself.we never saw him go red or anything till about 9pm later that night.

He doesn't bring it up often but it's stayed in my mind. Yesterday he was cooking dinner and doing the washing. I came into the kitchen to help and got told there was nothing to do. In the end he couldn't multitask both jobs and the pan boiled over. He said 'You then asked about the washing machine so I got distracted.' Implying it was my fault. Even though I was asking to help as I could see he was juggling jobs.

OP posts:

femfemlicious · 03/02/2025 13:23

Is this a 1 off or does he usually expect to tell him what he needs to do?

username299 · 03/02/2025 13:27

No you're not responsible for a grown adult's sunburn.

He's a red head and I assume he's been to a beach before. As a child his parents would have told him about suncream.

He's entirely responsible for his health and he's being very immature.

myplace · 03/02/2025 13:27

Daydreamer81 · 03/02/2025 13:18

I get distracted by people in the space I’m working too. I have everything under control, I’m juggling but it’s going well, then DH comes in and does something or asks about something, and that’s the extra ball that means I drop them all. It isn’t his fault, but it feels like it is in the moment. Though I never interrupt him when he’s focused.

Mind I need to keep an eye on him as he has form for ‘helping’ aka interfering- stacking the dishwasher with things I’m still using, turning down the temp on the oven or deciding it’s cooked and turning it off. So he really is distracting as he does need to be watched.

Snowmanscarf · 03/02/2025 13:30

He’s 30, not 3!

MrsJHernandez · 03/02/2025 14:30

It's entirely his problem, not yours.

However, I do remind DH to put more sunscreen on and warn him if he's looking a bit lobster-like. He does the same for me because I'm often too lazy to keep reapplying. We never blame each other if we get burned though!

I know we don't have to do it, but I think people in relationships should look out for one another.

At the end of the day, as adults, it's our own responsibility and shouldn't rely on being told what you need to do.

2catsandhappy · 03/02/2025 14:59

Tell him he is wetter than seaweed at full tide. What a child!
Don't stand for it @Daydreamer81 you are not a substitute mummy!
I hope this is the one and only thing he has projected to be your fault. If it is a pattern, bin him off until he has grown up.

Naunet · 03/02/2025 16:21

Sounds like he has a problem with ever accepting responsibility for anything. Not a very attractive quality to have.

Sodthesystem · 03/02/2025 16:30

Just read your first post.

I'd ask him why he, a grown man, needs his wife to be his mummy.

It would be hilarious if it wasn't so sad.

It gives me 'I need to take my wife to the doctors to speak for me because I don't remember what I'm alergic to' vibes.

I'm sorry you married a child.

But you need to find a way to get through to him that you're an autonomous person, not a nurse maid. It may be that it never clicks, because he doesn't want it to. In which case, don't waste your life hanging around.

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