Loneliness…

[IfIHadAHeart]

I’m 36. Two and a half years post separation (now divorced), two teenagers. I’ve not dated since the split, at all.

I work shifts, long hours, and my ex only has the kids on my work days so when I’m off work they are always at home. I suppose they are of an age where they could be left alone for a few hours. Ex has a new partner who is always at his though, which youngest DC has struggled to adjust to. One of the reasons I’ve not entertained the idea of a relationship of my own.

All of my past relationships, including my marriage, have ended in them cheating. I have very low self esteem that I can’t seem to fix. I don’t really have any friends, save one, but she’s now working abroad for the foreseeable. I have family nearby, but they tend to get in touch only when they need a favour. My dad also has terminal cancer and everyone is very stressed, anxious and not in the mood for social stuff. My job is demanding, with long antisocial hours, and is one that tends to make people run a mile.

I like reading, walking, crocheting. I try to keep myself busy with these things. I have always been extremely self conscious though so I don’t really like to do new things or go places alone. This means I often just do very little.

I am reaching a point now where I feel like loneliness is slowly killing me. It’s suffocating, and I don’t know how I can just carry on forever with no one in my life. I have a good relationship with the kids, but they are of an age where they do their own thing a lot of the time. I read about people who embrace solitude, but they mostly seem to still have friends to see now and again, or go to group activities that I’d just never have the confidence to go to.

I apologise for the long post of self pity. I suppose I’m just wondering if anyone else is or has been in the same boat, and how you either accept it or change it. I seem to be stuck in a rut and feeling lower by the day.

There's a difference between being alone and being lonely. I need alone time to recharge my batteries because I find people draining, however pleasant they are. However, I've always kept dogs so technically I've not truly been alone.

I also used to be self conscious and reluctant to do things on my own but it's surprising how many women do nowadays. And once you've done it, it gives you confidence to do it again. The first time I took my dogs on holiday on my own I felt self-conscious until I realised that other women were holidaying alone, with or without a dog. And you get to talk to lots of people because you're not tied into a pre-arranged plan with someonelse. Now I take my dog away twice a year on my own and love it. I get to spend quality time with her and we get to do what we want - beach walk, eat, sleep, repeat - without having to consider anyonelse.
Are there any classes you could attend locally that would give you a hobby and the chance to meet new people?

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I have my dog, and find myself chatting to her more and more. We do walk/hike but never seem to have more than a passing hello with people we see. I’ve thought about joining walks through a FB group I follow, but I’m too nervous.

In terms of local groups/activities, it’s tricky because I don’t work the same days week to week. I could be off one Monday but working the next six, for example.

I will persevere with the walking idea. I do love being outside, and I usually find that walking in the hills does stop me dwelling on things a little. I just want to have someone I could talk to after a shit day, someone to plan things with and have things to look forward to with. Alone with my own thoughts isn’t always the nicest place to be 😂

I’m not actually as miserable a person as I sound. On a superficial level, people usually find me fun to be around. It just never reaches that deeper connection, whether friendly or romantic.

You need to bite the bullet and join something, just commit to going once.
We have a local craft and coffee meet where people go and knit/crochet while having a coffee and chat. There’s a walking and cycling group, and a book club.
It’s all individual people looking for friendship and company.