Intimacy and communication

[Adviceneeded3567]

My partner and I have two kids, 4 and 2. They're great, really lovely kids and family life is really good. We have a happy household.

My partner has never been a person who has had a high sex drive. Even before kids arrived I would 9 out of 10 times be the one to initiate intimacy. Communication around intimacy has always been quite quickly shut down also, often she seems embarrassed discussing sex. I am very physical and affectionate and she is not, which is just how we are. It does often feel like I'm just some kind of sick pervert and she's annoyed by me being actually interested in intimacy. When we do communicate it is often deflected or just brushed off as if it's not important as it's not to do with work or kids.

The past 5 years have been intense, obviously raising a family, having full time jobs and all the trappings of modern life means that time is so pressed.

I love her with all my heart. I simply cannot imagine being with anyone else and this lack of passion is incredibly hard for me to take. I feel as if we are slowly just giving up on having a physical relationship and it will simply just be the norm even when our kids are much older.

Is it just being a worn out mum who needs breathing space and our sex life might come back? Or is it just how it has to be and part of being in a long term couple?

Anyone had or have similar? It fills my heart with such sadness some days that I feel lost and my sex life is over way before time.

Has she always been like this or is it just since the kids? If she has always been like this then you have mismatched sex drives and you want to change who she is - and that will not work. If it’s a post baby issue then that’s different, but motherhood, hormones, sleepless nights, being ‘touched out’ by babies, going back to work, feeling that you can’t get 5 minutes peace, and the constant exhaustion, sometimes coupled with a fear of getting pregnant again, can certainly put a dampener on the libido. Have you told her how you feel? Not in a ‘I really need to have sex’ kind of way, but in a ‘I miss our closeness’ kind of way. Couples therapy might be useful you help you understand each others perspective.

Definitely more post kids.

Prior to kids arriving she wouldn't often initiate sex but we had a really good sex life, or I believe we did.

I've said I miss us being close and intimate but she says she feels really close.

Just feels like it will constantly drift until there's nothing left.