Hi! It's been almost a month since my boyfriend disappeared from our 4 months relationship without an explanation and I still don't understand what happened. I guess I'll start from the beginning. It's gotten too long since I wanted you to see the full picture. And English is not my first language so it's a bit hard to be brief. I'm sorry for that. But I'm so lost so if you have time, maybe you could give me an advice. Thank you.
My ex and I, we are both 30 years old and it was my first relationship, first everything. I was bullied at school by a guy so I just couldn't trust men for a long time and then I grew up and convinced myself I didn't want a family or a partner and always rejected romantic advances. But then last september a guy I knew in kindergarted (we actually had big love story there lol) came to my work...and again and then again and finally asked me for my number and for the first time in my life no warning bells rang in my head, I didn't want to run so I agreed. And it was great. In one of his first texts he said "I work in construction, built a lot of things, it's time to build my own happiness", he said that his intentions are serious which confused me a bit since we didn't even know each other. But anyway we texted all day, every day, we met every evening and since I worked till 10pm almost every day, we spent half a night just driving or walking around.
For future reference, he first found me when we had a shortage of people at work and I worked 7/1/6 at that period from 8 in the morning to 8 or 10 in the evening, with one day off in those two weeks. With barely any sleep because of our meetings, not that I minded, I was getting attached and missed him. He, on the other hand, finished work at 2-4 in the afternoon, so he had plenty of time before we had to meet.
Anyway, he always said how he missed me, how he couldnt wait until the evening to see me again. My heart started to melt. He just suited me so well. Perfect sense of humour for me, perfect physically for me, attentive, caring, so tender and understanding to my situation. I felt so secure with him. Didn't once bought me flowers? Well, just wait for the real date i thought. Didn't once tried to feed me after my work day? Weird but it'll come I thought. (I weigh 42kg, everyone always wants to feed me but not the person I actually would want it from, sad).
And there, after 2 weeks, it starts to go to shit. And it starts with THE birthday party he attended that lasted the whole weekend. He called me on the first night, drunk. Two hours of compliments and I miss you's and "we're gonna marry in six months" and "what if we have a baby", and everything in between and me trying to get him to sleep.....aaaaaand he calls me by another name. I was so shocked I couldn't say anything so he just kept repeating it and repeating, over and over (and no, he didn't think he was talking to that person the whole time cause he said my name a lot). Finally I snapped that I'm not her. He apologized a lot. Told me that he doesnt have anyone and that he is a fool and I probably would leave him and yada yada yada. I told him it's something I have to discuss with a sober person. After some talk...he calls me that again. I asked who she was. He said an ex. I started to ask more. He got angry. At her. He said "Fuck her anyway, she left with her dude. That's why I need new relationship ASAP." And yes he apologized a million times more and the next day (saturday) when he called me hangover too and swore that he doesn't have anyone and past is in the past. But here is the thing, on that sunday we planned to meet at his place for the night for the first time and I decided to use that time to talk to him instead. He agreed. But like a total dumbass I went there and lost my virginity. No talk at all. Not then, not a week later. It ate at me of course but I was afraid.
I started to see huge changes in myself though. I started to actually want to cook. For him. I wanted to care for him. And desperately wanted it back. I started to look at young parents and think that maaaaaaaybe it might be not as bad as I thought.
So we went as if nothing happened but then he changed jobs. And he couldn't come back home at 4pm anymore since it was in another city. No, he had to get up at 5.45am and came home after 10pm. Almost same as me. But he couldn't find time for me anymore. Because he was tired after work. And since that drunk call, we didn't talk on the phone once. So everything happened via text. It was so hard for me. I missed him so much but tried to be understanding. I cooked for him and he came, took it and drove home. And when we did meet (always before his day off) it was only for the night and he even stopped picking me up so I walked at like 11pm to his place, by myself. But I missed him so much I couldn't put my foot down. And was afraid that if he refuses to pick me up then I wasn't going to see him again for another week.
After one such night, we woke up, had sex and he came so suddenly all over my shirt, I didn't expect it really. He made no move to return the favor. He just got up, handed me my bra and said he needed to go shopping for new clothes. That was so humiliating. But instead of saying something or slapping him or something I just went home. And when I texted him a wall of text expressing my feelings, he just said "You're just working yourself up".
A week goes by with us texting (but not as often as before) and me having decided that we really really need to talk about everything without telling him that. Finally the day has come but he got fever. Honestly I was barely holding myself together at that point. Thankfully the next day he said he was feeling much better so I offered to bring pie for breakfast.....he said he was making sandwiches so he was all good, no need to come. It crushed me, literally. Just a thought about not seeing him for another week, missing him, drowning in doubts and newly found self consciousness, thinking, comparing the two men, one I met all those weeks ago and the one I had at that moment, it was unbearable so I texted him, I rushed I know but I'm an emotional girl and when I'm hurt that's what I do. I just asked "Can you let me go?" He asked where. I said "just let me go" and his answer "as you wish" almost destroyed me. Just like that when I hoped for a converstaion, he threw me away.
I felt like shit for a week, still missed him but started to feel better when two weeks later he reached out, begged to talk. I agreed. He said he was gonna pick me up after work. So I waited for him that day...and waited and when I asked where he was? He told me he was visiting a friend, said we should talk another day. I blocked him. Then a week later I lost a bet at work and had to unblock him. He texted again. Asked to talk. I said if he was going to stand me up, I will forever block him. He didn't stand me up that day but we didn't meet either. Because he said he had to get up at 3am for work. So we discussed everything via text. He said how he suffered without me, apologized for many things, but not all. Mainly for that morning he basically kicked me out. I asked him about that other girl, about everything I wanted but his answers....Idk. It's strange to talk about those things and not look the person in the eyes.
Anyway, turns out the project he was having problems with even when we were together the first time, was still his bane, and he was working with no days off all that time. So we only met several weeks later and since our texts were all sweet once again, I just missed him soooooo much to actually talk that time too. And yes, once again I went to him myself as soon as he asked.
And I still didn't get a flower and we still weren't on a single date.
Our texts started to consist of only good mornings and how are you's. And I tried to understand, I really did. No days off for weeks but jfc. Is it so hard to call the person you say you miss so much while you drive home?
Then days without communication started. Again, I tried. But I couldn't. I know he was tired but when it's only me texting and having barely any reply back? I started to doubt myself once again. I asked him, just once, to not disappear, I told him it was very hard for me. That even just good morning makes me feel better, it's not so hard to do for the person you say you care about, is it? He said he understood but no, he didn't stop disappearing. And I still wanted to make him feel better, I still cooked for him. It was basically the only thing I could do for him even though my heart ached for him. So with all my worrying and missing and memories of our september, I just went and fell in love with the bastard.
(fyi we are not from a country where christmas is december 25th. The main holiday here is new year)
Next time we met was a month later, on december 28th, even though his project ended on december 20th. Again, no flowers, no date. Again, I went there at night. I said I felt like a call girl. He said I was very wrong about that. He asked where I was going to spend the new year, I said alone. No, he didn't invite me to spend it with him and his friends. I asked when we were going to meet again. He said at the start of january.
He sent me a happy new year text with a kissing emoji. That's it, no call.
On january 1st I asked him if we could meet next day. I bought him a present and wanted to give it to him. But I also wanted to give him an ultimatum. He is either with me or not. But. He told me we would meet if he survives because they were still celebrating. Aaaaaaaan I didn't hear from him until january 7th when I have had enough and texted "I wish you this new year to get big boy pants so when you end a relationship, you could do it, looking the person in the eyes". He answered with "why do you think we're done?" that pissed me off and I said because I deserve much better than a person who just disappeaars for a week. And that's it. Nothing from him. But my anger got followed by sadness, then by heartbreak, then by betrayal, then by sadness again and now all the negative feelings left and I still miss him, I can't delete his number, I look for his car after work, I see his car in every white Kia. I'm afraid I would take him back if he texted.
At first I tried to find what I did wrong. It takes two to tango. Was I too easy of a target? Do men really like cat and mouse games? But that's not me. I wanted to be with him, so I was. I wanted to care for him, so I tried. Maybe I could stop insisting on every day contact I thought. But no, I couldn't. I desperately need it. Just a simple good morning really made my mood better and calmed my doubts.
During our first break up, I started to work with his former classmate. She was beyond shocked, she couldn't imagine that we were talking about same person. She told me he was such a gentleman, always helped everyone, always pleased teachers, she always thought he would drown his woman in presents and flowers and attention. She also told me about his terror of a mother. Very unpleasant woman. Never married, he is the only child. Also an aunt, not married with no kids, and grandmother, a widow from young age, no male children. So it could be that he is used to be women's world and he thinks he doesn't need to do anything? And so momma's boy decided he wanted a serious relationship but didn't expect that he actually needed to work for it?
Like, I wrote all this and I'm horrified. If a friend told me someone been treating her that way? I would bury that bastard. Horrified because I still miss him. Why did he show me exactly what and who I want and then take it away? Is it because he was the first that it hurts so bad? But how can I ever open myself up to someone again? How to trust? At work, I'm so confident, so strickt, might be a total bitch if a guy thinks he can play with me or touch me or say something inappropriate. But with him, I was so calm and quiet and tender and that's exactly what I want, to feel safe enough to be myself. But now I feel he didn't deserve it.
Another thing, I'm so monogamous. But currently I don't have a conclusion, an end. I don't have answers, why, what happened, why me, who are you, etc. A guy invited me for coffee (actual public place, can you imagine), as friends, knew that I was heartbroken. I accepted but I felt like I was cheating the whole time. The guy was so sweet but so wrong. He took me for a walk but I didn't tell him I was here with the guy. I didn't hear a word he said. I only thought about all those nights and walks and conversations and all I did was look for a white Kia in the traffic...I'm so pathetic, I just want to get through this. But I still have more bad days than good.
So, that's it. I'm so interested what people from the outside might think about all this.