My feelings are triggering for him...

MrsJHernandez · 02/02/2025 16:39

You're triggering him? How exactly?!

He sounds like a childish, useless, selfish, garbage husband and father.

Seeing as you do everything already, would it not be easier if he just left? It doesn't sound like either of you are happy in the relationship.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this while also being ill and pregnant.

MeganM3 · 02/02/2025 16:40

Is he manipulating you?

graffittimonkey · 02/02/2025 16:43

Are you sure you want to have another child with this man?

username299 · 02/02/2025 16:49

He wants you to stop challenging him or put up and shut up. He wants you to skivvy around while he does what he wants. He sounds like a drunk loser.

You need to contact a domestic abuse organisation, try the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

You're on your own so put plans in place such as getting a cab to the hospital.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/02/2025 16:49

He's abusive. Training you not to challenge him. Exhausting you so you can't resist. Blaming you for his feelings. Get away from him while you can.

Semiramide · 02/02/2025 16:53

I've been really unwell in the first trimester...

Sorry, but why would you have another child with this selfish, useless arsehole?

Instead of planning your escape...

BoldRed · 02/02/2025 16:58

‘Triggering’ my arse. Lazy, useless git has found a way to stop you asking him to do anything. I’d laugh in his face. I’m sorry you are having another baby with this grim specimen as it will make it harder to split up.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2025 17:11

If anyone is being triggered here it's you, not him. He is a both selfish and abusive alcoholic therefore your relationship to him is over. Do not continue to raise your children in such a crap environment.

Would concur with the other respondents re contacting the National Domestic Abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. Plan your exit going forward with due care and attention.

BeTwinklyKhakiPanda · 02/02/2025 17:16

graffittimonkey · 02/02/2025 16:43

Are you sure you want to have another child with this man?

The op is in her 1st trimester. How is this helpful?

Velvetbee · 02/02/2025 17:17

Nah, fuck that. Plan to leave.

Original poster

NewAccount1990 · 02/02/2025 17:23

@MrsJHernandez he's all of the above. But im the enemy all the time. I should talk to him with more respect. Despite him bad mouthing me to everyone, ruining my relationship with my dad and every other thing that comes out of his mouth is a lie. But.... he lies because I put him under pressure ....

I took him to relationship counselling because he refuses to listen. He now uses the counsellor like his best friend and has all these 121 sessions and I'm pushed out. He screenshots anything I say and runs to the counsellor saying she says she doesn't love me when I'm trying.

I'm once said to him, I feel suicidal. My mental health was crap at the time, as he isolated me, and would constantly talk over me and treat me like crap....and his response was "oh well I spoke to a mens group because I felt suicidal, 2 years ago."

OP posts:

YourHappyJadeEagle · 02/02/2025 17:28

I read “ triggering him” as criticising or, god forbid, asking him to stop drinking.
Alcoholics/ constant drinkers HATE criticism, are very defensive and will leap on anything you say. An example: I once bought two bottles of wine as his parents were coming to stay, put them in a bog standard kitchen cupboard. All hell broke loose — why was I hiding alcohol, it was because I didn’t trust him did I, yell, rant, etc etc.,

You could kick him out.
You can leave him.
You can tell him to get to an AA meeting and stick on the programme or you're over ( unlikely to work tbh)
Speak to AlAnon for support for you.
Speak to your midwife about your situation.

Sorry, OP ime unless he’s willing to stop drinking you are on a hiding to nothing.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 02/02/2025 17:31

I fucking hate - hate - the way therapeutic language has been co-opted by every stripe of idiotic, self-absorbed wanker (most of whom have zero clue what the words actually mean) to justify their own behaviour and stop anyone questioning them. Which is definitely what he’s doing.

I know this is spectacularly unhelpful, as someone’s already pointed out, but the question is relevant: why have you chosen to have another child with a man who - at the very least - isn’t kind or responsible and doesn’t support or help you in any way?

Has he only been like this since you became pregnant? In which case are there financial or other pressures he may be feeling as a result? Did he actively want another child, or was it something you wanted?

If so, you need to have a serious conversation about what’s going on with him before you bring another child into the equation.

If he’s always been like it, then getting pregnant again is (as someone posted on another thread) like simultaneously complaining that your hand’s burning whilst thrusting it further into the fire.

northernlight20 · 02/02/2025 17:32

op, what do you get from this relationship of yours? anything positive? you can have a good life away from this shitshow you call a marriage and the kids in this will be very fucked up if you stay. i know,i speak from experience. get rid of him.

Original poster

NewAccount1990 · 02/02/2025 17:33

@YourHappyJadeEagle not in a million years does he accept his has an alcohol problem. He'll be going for a walk, and fall into a pub. He'll easily drink 20 pints a week!

I recall him saying, when you're pregnant I won't drink unless its a special occasion. It lasted about 3 days...and if I remind him of it, I'm being unfair, I'm being critical, and I'm being controlling.

I don't even mention it anymore. He'll try and hide it but when I put the recycling out, every week, how would I not notice 🤔

OP posts:

YourHappyJadeEagle · 02/02/2025 17:42

NewAccount1990 · 02/02/2025 17:33

@YourHappyJadeEagle not in a million years does he accept his has an alcohol problem. He'll be going for a walk, and fall into a pub. He'll easily drink 20 pints a week!

I recall him saying, when you're pregnant I won't drink unless its a special occasion. It lasted about 3 days...and if I remind him of it, I'm being unfair, I'm being critical, and I'm being controlling.

I don't even mention it anymore. He'll try and hide it but when I put the recycling out, every week, how would I not notice 🤔

He sounds like my ex husband reincarnated. He said the exact same thing to his first wife when she was pregnant.
The selfishness.
The getting people on his side. ( so childish but matters to him)
Defensiveness.
The point scoring against you.
These all scream alcoholic to me. I lived with it for years.
Please speak to your midwife. It’s well documented that abuse can escalate during pregnancy or after the birth. I was never pregnant but my ex’s behaviour did escalate to threats of violence.

Original poster

NewAccount1990 · 02/02/2025 17:52

@EnjoythemoneyJane
You're absolutely right, this baby wasn't planned and I fell pregnant on the coil. It's been traumatic to say the least as I WAS making my exit plan, and finally had my financies in order to leave. I contemplated a termination but sobbed my heart out at the appointment and they wouldn't do it.

He hasn't always been like this, but he has on and off. I leave (or I get him to leave) he'll come back, and do his upmost for 4 or so weeks, and it flies downhill again. It's a vicious cycle. And now I do feel trapped. I feel unable to get out and financially on maternity pay will cripple me. Since I've been pregnant he has massively ramped it up. He turned all his family against me. His parents are venomous towards me. He's isolated me from my dad, who's my best friend and now dad doesn't talk to me. Ive never felt so alone.

OP posts:

MrsJHernandez · 02/02/2025 17:57

NewAccount1990 · 02/02/2025 17:23

@MrsJHernandez he's all of the above. But im the enemy all the time. I should talk to him with more respect. Despite him bad mouthing me to everyone, ruining my relationship with my dad and every other thing that comes out of his mouth is a lie. But.... he lies because I put him under pressure ....

I took him to relationship counselling because he refuses to listen. He now uses the counsellor like his best friend and has all these 121 sessions and I'm pushed out. He screenshots anything I say and runs to the counsellor saying she says she doesn't love me when I'm trying.

I'm once said to him, I feel suicidal. My mental health was crap at the time, as he isolated me, and would constantly talk over me and treat me like crap....and his response was "oh well I spoke to a mens group because I felt suicidal, 2 years ago."

@NewAccount1990

He clearly takes no responsibility or accountability for his actions and blames you. It's abusive, and you deserve better than that.

From what you've said, if doesn't really sound like he cares for you at all. He looks down on you and expects you to be the quiet little housemaid, mother and probably an object for his sexual use. He's trying to condition you to not challenge anything he says or does.

He doesn't care that you were suicidal, it's all about him and his needs. I'm afraid he isn't going to change.

If you currently feel like you don't want to leave him, I think you would definitely benefit from counselling of your own. No woman should be in a relationship where they're treated like this. You and your children will be better off without him, even if you can't see that right now.

I'm sending you lots of strength and love x

BoldRed · 02/02/2025 18:04

Confide in your midwife & call Women’s Aid . you will have to leave him but I understand it is difficult.

Fishandchipsareyum · 02/02/2025 18:07

NewAccount1990 · 02/02/2025 17:23

@MrsJHernandez he's all of the above. But im the enemy all the time. I should talk to him with more respect. Despite him bad mouthing me to everyone, ruining my relationship with my dad and every other thing that comes out of his mouth is a lie. But.... he lies because I put him under pressure ....

I took him to relationship counselling because he refuses to listen. He now uses the counsellor like his best friend and has all these 121 sessions and I'm pushed out. He screenshots anything I say and runs to the counsellor saying she says she doesn't love me when I'm trying.

I'm once said to him, I feel suicidal. My mental health was crap at the time, as he isolated me, and would constantly talk over me and treat me like crap....and his response was "oh well I spoke to a mens group because I felt suicidal, 2 years ago."

Sounds like a narcissist. Look this up. Good luck....

healthybychristmas · 02/02/2025 22:27

I'm once said to him, I feel suicidal. My mental health was crap at the time, as he isolated me, and would constantly talk over me and treat me like crap

And now he has turned your dad against you? What would your dad say if you turned up with your bags and said you needed to stay with him and get away from your boyfriend?

theduchessofspork · 02/02/2025 22:30

I mean, you are married to a pillock, I am sorry to say. I think all you can do is plan your exit - are you going back to work? Could you plan it for then?

I am v sorry you’re in this situation, but I don’t think there’s any point dwelling on the nonsense this man spouts.

StormingNorman · 02/02/2025 22:33

Please get in touch with Women’s Aid @NewAccount1990 and see what options you have if you were to leave whilst pregnant.

He sounds awful and you need to adapt the exit plan rather than pause it.