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Original poster

Having doubts

22 replies

PiercedArmour · 02/02/2025 15:21

I've been with my partner for just over a year. All going well, very much in love, I like and admire her hugely too. We've taken it very slow and I've just started to meet her friends in the past couple of months.

I'm having doubts about the relationship because when she's with her friends all she/they talk about is their health issues. It. Is. So. Boring. I catch myself thinking 'who even are you?', because I'd not noticed it at all when it was just the two of us - yet she seems to have this whole sweep of limiting ailments to talk about when she's with them.

I'm aware that I can be fairly 'brisk' about what I think of as minor illnesses (long time single parent, work full time, don't have time to be ill yadayada) so maybe I haven't encouraged her to talk about her prickly cough/cold/bad knee etc and she's wanted to.

Also, we're entering the menopause years (we're both female). Last night with her friends, all really creative, intelligent women, menopause talk and discussion of treatments and medication and supplements seemed to take over the whole evening. They seemed almost competitive about how terrible it is. It was so negative and depressing.

Where do I go from here? Do I just need to be more understanding? Do I tell her that her personality seems to change when she's with her friends? I really don't want to lose her, but are we just incompatible?

OP posts:
TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 15:24

do you spend most of your time together with her friends?!

if you’re having second thoughts about her because of her friends…. Then I don’t think you’re “very much in love”. Far from it

Original poster
PiercedArmour · 02/02/2025 15:31

Not because of her friends. Because of what she is like when with her friends.

Socialising together is a newish thing but it has happened every time we've been with any of her friends. It feels like a personality change. Maybe it shows that I just don't know her well enough?

OP posts:
TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 15:42

PiercedArmour · 02/02/2025 15:31

Not because of her friends. Because of what she is like when with her friends.

Socialising together is a newish thing but it has happened every time we've been with any of her friends. It feels like a personality change. Maybe it shows that I just don't know her well enough?

And you all socialise very very regularly? How frequently per week? Compared with how much time alone or with your friends?

TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 15:43

I think started a thread saying you are having second thoughts…. A mere year in, probably my best to accept it doesn’t have legs!

Chiconbelge · 02/02/2025 15:57

Choose your timing and consider what to say and ask her about it - try to keep it very neutral and just ask why this happens. There’s all sorts of possibilities and if you can’t talk to her about it then that I. Itself should tell you something.

category12 · 02/02/2025 15:59

Is she doing a lot of the health talk or is it led by her friends?

I think we can be different according to who we're with - like I have a friend with a chronic condition so we talk about how she is a lot, as that's what she needs. But I wouldn't usually choose health/illness as a topic with other people.

Surely it's what you're like together that matters? If you don't like the dynamic with her friends, you don't really need to be part of it often.

Original poster
PiercedArmour · 02/02/2025 16:20

category12 · 02/02/2025 15:59

Is she doing a lot of the health talk or is it led by her friends?

I think we can be different according to who we're with - like I have a friend with a chronic condition so we talk about how she is a lot, as that's what she needs. But I wouldn't usually choose health/illness as a topic with other people.

Surely it's what you're like together that matters? If you don't like the dynamic with her friends, you don't really need to be part of it often.

She is very much part of the health talk. I realise I can avoid group socialising - although that might get a bit awkward. But I'm confused about the difference in her personality and why I haven't seen this before. We've connected so well until now - still do, in the 95% of time when we're not in that group setting.

More than anything I'd hate to think she is suppressing a fundamental part of herself/her interests when she's with me. Even if I'm finding it hard to relate to that side of her.

I think I have to talk to her, don't I? I just really don't want to lose her🙁Or who I thought she was.

OP posts:
MyOpulentDuck · 02/02/2025 17:45

My family are like this every time we socialise and it is so draining. Almost like they’re trying to compete over whose life is the hardest!
I try and steer the conversation by saying something like “let’s talk about something a bit more positive!” Or asking if anyone’s been watching a certain tv show or seen the latest film out at the cinema etc.
If you really can’t bear it then can you just stick to your own friend circles? I’ve been with my DP for five years and we’ve probably only socialised with each others friends a handful of times.

MyOpulentDuck · 02/02/2025 17:47

Just wanted to add that I rarely speak to DP about health issues but me and my friends will often chat about it (we’re all menopausal women too!) so it could be that she’s letting out everything she’d been “saving up” to speak with them about. Sometimes when I haven’t seen my bestie for a few weeks we talk non stop for about 2 hours with everything we’d been saving to speak about!!

TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 17:49

You’re both middle aged
presumably work?
children?
elderly parents?

seriously how often are you actually all getting together with this friends?

added to which.,,, as one grows older and parents grow older and children come in to the equation and menopause etc…. Health is usually a topic of conversation. Not as the main topic every time, but friends that care about one another care about their friends health and that of their families

Original poster
PiercedArmour · 02/02/2025 19:00

TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 17:49

You’re both middle aged
presumably work?
children?
elderly parents?

seriously how often are you actually all getting together with this friends?

added to which.,,, as one grows older and parents grow older and children come in to the equation and menopause etc…. Health is usually a topic of conversation. Not as the main topic every time, but friends that care about one another care about their friends health and that of their families

We're both in our 40s, both work in (different) creative fields where there tends to be a lot of social stuff going on. My kids are grown up, she doesn't have kids. No needy parents (Living the dream, right?!).

Socialising has only been 4/5 times over the past few months, but it's been enough to spot a trend. @MyOpulentDuck draining is exactly the word. I just can't reconcile the self-aware, outward looking person I love with the person answers 'how are you?' with a detailed 10 minutes description of her cold. And her friends do exactly the same.

It's not that I don't care about her health - I do care, very much. Just not like this.

OP posts:
TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 19:08

If this is causing you to doubt the very core of her and your relationship, I’d say this relationship is unlikely to have a future

MyOpulentDuck · 02/02/2025 19:11

I think the issue you’ll end up having is you might start making excuses not to socialise with her friends and then end up arguing about it. If you raise it with her, she might take it as a personal attack.
I feel like I could quite openly and honestly have a conversation with my DP if this was an issue for us; how do you think she would react to this? She might be more than happy to see her friends without you - when else would she talk about you with them anyway?! 😆

Spooky2000 · 02/02/2025 19:20

Perhaps it's her way of 'bonding' with them? Perhaps she exaggerates these ailments?

Original poster
PiercedArmour · 02/02/2025 19:29

Spooky2000 · 02/02/2025 19:20

Perhaps it's her way of 'bonding' with them? Perhaps she exaggerates these ailments?

Perhaps. I'm not questioning her health or how she's feeling. Just questioning how we've been together and built this relationship over the past 15 months and I've been unaware that this was such a huge interest for her. And questioning whether it's me, and I've been unconsciously giving off intimidating 'get a grip' vibes when she's wanted to tell me about stuff. I don't think so, but maybe I have?

OP posts:
iamnotalemon · 02/02/2025 19:46

I don't think this would give me reason to end a relationship - are you sure you're not just looking for a reason and clutching at straws?

I'm different around different friends and would have different conversations. Perhaps if I had a friend who had the same health condition as me, I'd talk to them more about it than someone who doesn't.

TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 19:56

PiercedArmour · 02/02/2025 19:29

Perhaps. I'm not questioning her health or how she's feeling. Just questioning how we've been together and built this relationship over the past 15 months and I've been unaware that this was such a huge interest for her. And questioning whether it's me, and I've been unconsciously giving off intimidating 'get a grip' vibes when she's wanted to tell me about stuff. I don't think so, but maybe I have?

Show quote history

Outside of these 4/5 get togethers, has she ever mentioned her health or waxed lyrical about illnesses or mentioned going to the docs or having sick days

Weyohweyoh · 02/02/2025 19:59

Why do you think she doesn’t feel able to discuss her health worries with you?

AcquadiP · 02/02/2025 20:05

I can see where you are coming from, too much health talk can be draining. It sounds like this is the thing they do when they get together. I don't know what the answer is other than to gentle mention it to her?

Sodthesystem · 02/02/2025 20:12

This is so odd.
It's like the most banal problem ever.

'Who I thought she was'. OK so she's only allowed a set list of things to talk about and if they deviate from that she's 'not herself' anymore?

People are different when they are with different people. Because different sides of themselves present to compliment the particular relationship.

It sounds like you've built up some fantasy of her where she's on a pedestal. And her friend chats are reminding you she is just a normal human. And that's giving you the ick because you never actually liked HER. You just liked the image of her you built up in your head of a perfect fairy princess that no one could ever live up to perminantly.

Crankyaboutfood · 02/02/2025 20:19

TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 19:08

If this is causing you to doubt the very core of her and your relationship, I’d say this relationship is unlikely to have a future

yes. you are getting to the next step of intimacy. she can’t be herself around you. i don’t know if that is right or wrong, but it seems untenable.

Teanbiscuits33 · 02/02/2025 20:19

People show different versions of themselves depending on the context of the situation, you surely know this? Perhaps she doesn’t discuss her health issues with you as she knows it would bore you, or perhaps she feigns health issues to these friends to feel included and maintain the friendship group? Does she have few options when it comes to socialising?

It does sound utterly tedious and would annoy me, but then I’m quite confident that many people would find their partner’s chatter with their friends boring. I just wouldn’t go with her next time, tell her it’s not your scene.

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