DH and I have been together for 25 years, no children. We generally have a great relationship, rarely argue or have cross words. However, we’ve just had a big blow-up this morning and it’s really upset me.
DH has always been really anxious about his health. Whenever he’s ill it’s a massive deal and he expects a lot of sympathy. He also (IMO) overreacts a lot if he hurts himself, eg if he cuts himself in the kitchen there’s a lot of shouting, flapping, generally panic while I attend to the small cut. I’m very much of the ‘get on with it’ school of thought, I also have ASD so find it quite hard to put myself in someone else’s shoes. I’ve had to learn in our relationship to show much more emotion/sympathy than I really feel, and really try my best to give him enough attention when ill /hurt.
For the last five years or so he’s been getting occasional chest pains and tightness of breath. I think it’s largely panic related (it stated during Covid when he was incredibly anxious about the whole situation). I often go and sit with him, tell him to take deep breaths and try and calm him down. He goes through patches when he has fewer of these, and sometimes more, maybe several in a month. He won’t go and see the doctor, get any therapy. He used to smoke heavily but has vaped for the last 10 years. He won’t quit this either.
This morning he was upstairs getting ready and I heard him cry out. He then said that his chest was hurting. I called up the stairs that he should take some deep breaths. When he got down stairs he was furious with me. Why didn’t I come upstairs, he could have been having a heart attack for all I cared. Obviously my iPad was much more interesting. I tried to explain that I would have come up if me asked me to, and how was I to know if this was really serious, as it happens a lot and I try my best. He then said that he hasn’t had chest pains for ages (not my recollection) and I should have taken it seriously. I’m the person who’s supposed to care about him and I obviously don’t.
I just feel crushed. I really try and have patience with how he’s feeling, but the panic attacks and general overreaction to illness mean it’s really hard for me to tell when things are serious. I’m trying to compensate for the ASD as well - when I’m ill or upset I just want to be left alone and can’t stand people fussing over me. I know that he’s not like that so have tried really hard to amend my behaviour. But sometimes I just want to shout ‘pull yourself together!’. It’s also a bit boy who cried wolf - how can I tell when there’s a serious problem if everything’s a drama?
Not sure what I want from this thread really! Just a vent I suppose as I feel like shit.