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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Leaving an abusive relationship for good

7 replies

PodgyOwl · 02/02/2025 08:00

Looking for some advice please. I have been in an abusive relationship since July 2024. He shouts and screams at me (because it's 'the only way I listen'), and is a compulsive liar. He messages women behind my back and lies to me, justifying by saying 'I had to hide it because I knew you'd go off on one, like you're doing now.' He lies about absolutely everything and becomes aggressive when confronted. We don't live together.
I have tried to leave many times and block him and don't see him for days at a time. Then I listen to his voice mails ('please stop this', but never an apology or admitting he's done wrong) and unblock him. I constantly check his social media to look for signs he's cheating - I've tried to stop by blocking the pages but it's so hard.
My question is: how do I stop going back? I live alone and have a couple of good friends and my parents as support. When I go back to him, I hide it from everyone as I'm ashamed as they've told me they hate him and my parents would disown me if I go back (I'm 29). I want to stop thinking he will change. I'm in therapy but nothing is helping. Sorry for the long post, would appreciate any advice on leaving for good.

OP posts:
MoveToParis · 02/02/2025 08:06

He won’t change. What you are getting is all that’s on offer. The screaming, abusive cunt is all there is.

Is that what you want?
It is time to block him. As someone who didn’t leave until she was 50, I am telling you know do not cast the pearls of the best years of your life before this absolute pig.

He does not love or respect you, his actions show that.

MoveToParis · 02/02/2025 08:10

Then I listen to his voice mails ('please stop this', but never an apology or admitting he's done wrong) and unblock him.

What do you think the “this” in please stop this refers to. What is it that he is referring to, and why does he want you to stop, and why did you start doing it? Really really think about what he means here, and avoid projecting what you want him to say.

PodgyOwl · 02/02/2025 08:45

He means stop ignoring him and overreacting. I know I need to stop wanting him to tell me he's sorry or he'll change or he's lied and tell me the truth. It's just so difficult.

OP posts:
MoveToParis · 02/02/2025 08:56

Given he’s your ex, why is he expecting you to give him any attention? Do you get attention on demand from other ex boyfriends?

Also do you think you’ve overreacted by ending a relationship with someone who screams and shouts and messages other women and who is aggressive?
I don’t think you have, and his actions look - well, very convenient/self serving, or do you see it differently.

MarshMallowHeather · 02/02/2025 08:58

PodgyOwl · 02/02/2025 08:45

He means stop ignoring him and overreacting. I know I need to stop wanting him to tell me he's sorry or he'll change or he's lied and tell me the truth. It's just so difficult.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this absolute nightmare.

I can understand that you want him to apologise and say sorry and start treating you well.

However, he has not made even the slight admission that he is the one in the wrong.

He is not even pretending that he is sorry or that he will change.

This will not get better. It will only much, much worse.

The only way to feel better is to stay away from him for good and give yourself time to heal, away from him.

Your friends and family are probably scared for you.

Please lean on them on support and be honest. Contact DV charities for support.

He is doing you a lot of harm to you mentally and you need time and support to mentally seperate from him.

This has to be over. You deserve so much better. Everyone does.

Aussiebean · 02/02/2025 09:07

So you are 29. Are you thinking marriage and children with this man?

when he is rude, dismissive of your feelings and lies to you face… are you thinking that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Are you thinking that he is the only possible father of your future daughter?

Are you thinking, I am 40, and he has lied to my face again… but that’s ok, he is the one for me?

what’s the plan? What future are you envisioning?

are you envisioning a future with THIS man? Or are you envisioning a future with a man you think he could be?

PashaMinaMio · 02/02/2025 09:13

Put big girl blouse on and dump him.
He’s toxic, he’s a narcissist and you are allowing it.

Get yourself out there, forge a new life without him. Take up new activities without him. He is not good for you.
Be warned - He will never change.

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