Discovered BF cheating, help me stay strong

[bananascentedhair]

Me and my (now ex) boyfriend haven't had the easiest of relationships. When we first started casually dating he was perpetually hesitant about committing whereas I knew longer term that was what I wanted (if not from him then someone else).

He has form for being a cheat, and I have discovered he has lied to me in the past.

We had a break last year and I didn't speak to him for 3 months. He then got in contact begging me to meet him, so foolishly I did. He promised me things would change, that he wanted a relationship with me and to build a life with each other, that he'd never do anything to make me question his loyalty again. We gave it another go and for a while things seemed good, he was attentive, we met each others family and friends, spent lots of time together, weekends away etc.

Anyway long story short the past few weeks something has felt off. He's been making less effort and a bit snippy towards me, like I have been irritating him somehow. I brought it up with him a few nights ago and said I wanted to know whether something had shifted, was he talking to someone else etc? He denied it all, apologised and said he'd been busy with work/parenting stress etc.

I genuinely felt like maybe I was going mad...

But equally I couldn't shake the feeling, I have notes on my phone where I had been composing break up texts because I felt like this relationship was making me anxious and sad, even though I had no proof.

Stayed at his last night and this morning as we were heading out the door, I spotted a pair of women's shoes. I know who this woman is. He tried to squirm and lie his way out of the situation stating they must have been there from months ago but I spend a lot of time at his house so I know Id have spotted them before.

I calmly sat down with him and told him that it was over, picked up my stuff and left.

I haven't heard from him since but I know his form that at some point I'll get a long winded apology. But this time feels different, I don't feel sad or angry. Just numb, and almost relieved that I am in fact not losing my mind and my instincts were right.

I wondered if anyone here had nuggets of wisdom to keep me going, when the pain does set in a bit? I'm determined never to see or speak to him ever again, I owe it to myself to have some self respect and know I need to rebuild before even considering meeting anyone else.

Eurgh what a dick.

Firstly, even though you don’t need reassurance on this because you’ve clearly smashed it, you’ve done the exact right thing in the right way and you’ve started the process so you should be proud of yourself for having the strength to leave.

Now it’s just going to be about staying as busy as possible, fill your diary with friends and family and things to look forward to, whenever you’re tempted to text him or meet him or hear him out, come back here and re-read these messages. Or call a friend. Or type your passcode into your phone wrong so many times it locks and the moment will pass.

Just stay strong and keep your bar high, you know better is on the horizon for you and leaving this relationship is your path to a bigger and better future one when you’re ready

Thankyou - your reply brought a little tear to my eye.

Immediately after getting home I texted my best friend and told her and we headed out for a coffee and a walk. Normally I would retreat into myself but I know that I need support and I actively encouraged her to punch me in the arm if she notices in time my resolve is weakening at all.

I do hope I have a happy future. I had a long marriage which I thought was happy but ended in him straying, and then this was my first relationship since my divorce. I will keep busy and keep my diary full as you've suggested. Thankyou ever so much x

Well done, you did the right thing 👌

What a strong woman you are. Keep busy, time is a great healer.
All the best OP x

Thankyou both 💪🏼 x

Hope nobody minds me posting a little update here.

Last night I spent the night at home. I got a bottle of wine from the shops but didn't have any as I was feeling pretty steady and I knew a drink would set my emotions off.

I slept solidly for 7 hours last night (unheard of for me as I have young DC who are early risers- they're either their Dad this weekend).

I woke up feeling sad, thoughts racing about all the lies I have been told, but I know ruminating won't help me. Am off to a gym class later this morning which I hope will give some distraction 🙏🏼

You are being really strong and positive - not drinking the wine was a good shout, as is going to the gym class.

Sending you best wishes going forward.

Keep up the good work. Take up extra gym classes if you can, do everything you can to keep him out of your life.

Speaking from experience, who needs this nonsense he’s dishing out? In the end he will destroy you with his lies.

Stay strong. It’ll take time but you’re worth more than this ridiculous set up.

Thanks both x

@PashaMinaMio I felt like my mental health had taken a massive hit recently. I couldn't pinpoint why, I have a good life and yet I felt like my anxiety was worse than ever because I was constantly second guessing him, wondering what he was doing/thinking... all because I didn't trust him and now I know why. He told me how his ex wife spiralled after they split (self harm etc) and I can see now how being with someone like him could do that, he's so emotionally void, selfish and dishonest.

I journal a lot. I write down in the journal what I would say and how I'm feeling. Sometimes it helps as I can reflect on what a scumbag he is, and other times it make me ruminate, so it can be swings and roundabouts. Ensure you block him everywhere so there can be no justification/persuasion/gaslighting. You know what you saw.

I think it was on here that someone posted a link to a poem called Let Them, by Cassie Phillips. I read that sometimes to remind myself that I'm doing OK in the circumstances. I'd recommend it.

I'm sorry you're going through this. My (male) boss says the majority of men are knobs, and tbh, I think he's right. How pathetic does one have to be to want to spoil something for the sake of their dick and a pair of boobs?? Sad.

Thankyou @Spooky2000 I can see how journaling could be helpful and also challenging. I've downloaded an app to keep a track of my thoughts and note down some of the things that happened between us... it makes quite stark reading really and even as I was reading it back I thought "what the hell was I thinking to put up with that?!"

I know everyone is quick to diagnose exes as narcissists these days but mine certainly has tendencies. I think we were deep into the devalue stage and discard was on the horizon, and it would have taken the wind out of his sails that the control was taken away from him when I found what I did and walked away.

Just read the "Let them" poem... very eye opening and so true.

Wishing you well x