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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married acquaintance has shown his hand...

30 replies

Newlydivorcedand62 · 01/02/2025 18:05

As my username says, I'm recently divorced and 62. I was separated for over a year before the divorce came through and ExH and I had had a completely platonic relationship for the last two/three years prior to that.

I've realised I don't want to be single for the rest of my life, even though I'm not that keen on the idea of living with someone again, but can't face the thought of online dating any more. Been there, done that.... But I'm a young 62 and still full of life.

A few months ago a married aquaintance who I know through mutual friends got in touch via social media asking how me and the DC were, and has been messaging me on and off in a friendly way since then, mostly texting about each other's work (I don't work with him by the way but he does live in the same town as me). I know him to be a lovely, kind family man, and he has kids, but I have no idea about the state of his marriage. I know him slightly better than I know his wife. He's a few years younger than me and I've always liked him but never saw him in that way while I was married.

Of course you know what's coming now 🙄. The texting has become a bit more frequent recently even though I'm very bright and breezy in mine, friendly and nothing more. His texts, however, are a bit more forward and he's made a couple of flirtatious comments. I would really like to ask him what's going on and what he thinks he's doing. I have no intention of this developing in to an affair but have to admit I'm flattered. A close friend has advised me to stop all communication now and not reply to any of his messages, but I'd like to get to the bottom of it and find out why he's interseted. If he was separating from his wife suely he would make that clear?

Or his he just chancing his arm, deep in a mid-life crisis and bored in his marriage? He's the last person I would ever imagine to go after another woman, but what do I know? Opinions please?

OP posts:
IdaGlossop · 01/02/2025 18:10

Sounds like he sees you as 'available' and is testing the water. The fact that he's married isn't relevant. What is relevant is that you're divorced - and therefore 'up for it'.

Lmnop22 · 01/02/2025 18:11

Why would you encourage a married man into confessing feelings and potentially cheating on his wife?

Why would you want a relationship with someone who pursues other women behind his wife’s back whilst still in the relationship.

If you’re lonely and want a relationship then find a single man and leave this couple alone! Especially if you don’t even want to pursue it but want the ego boost of him confessing his attraction to you - think of his poor wife and please just leave it!

MayfairRose · 01/02/2025 18:12

It doesn't really matter why he is doing it -- imo, no good can come out of it.

It's best to err on the safe side and not engage. It's not fair to his wife really.

It's an unfair situation. He has the company of his wife, and he is looking for some extra attention from you while you have none.

All in all, don't cross that line. It's not worth it. You deserve someone just for you.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 01/02/2025 18:13

He thinks you are available and 'up for it.' my advice would be to detach from conversation and shut down the flirty stuff.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 01/02/2025 18:14

You're newly divorced and as such, he thinks you may be desperate/keen.

You have sussed what is going on, so I would back away. You don't need to talk to him about it, or find out more etc, just dial down the responses so they tail right off.

Or start talking about how you're signing off men now.

bluebonbondish · 01/02/2025 18:14

Sadly when you separate lots of men will come at you out of the wood work imagining that you might enjoy some comfort from them, it even happens when you are married to be honest. Even my much older married neighbour chanced his arm, disgusting.

I did in fact end up remarried to a man I had known before my divorce but he didn't declare any interest he was also divorced, if he had I'd have written him off as a creeper.

Daleksatemyshed · 01/02/2025 18:17

It's a classic Op- you're on your own so you must be gagging for it. Tell him that his messages are becoming inappropriate and you thought better of him, that you'd hate his wife to get the wrong idea- he'll vanish like magic

No33 · 01/02/2025 18:17

You're enjoying the attention. Trying to fool yourself that you want to 'get to the bottom: of what he's attracted?

Seems to me more that you just want to carry on talking.

StopStartStop · 01/02/2025 18:18

OP, he's one of the majority - a man who will sniff round until he finds a willing shag. Is that you? OK shagging someone's husband? Or do you think more of yourself than that.

AmberGemstone · 01/02/2025 18:18

He’s a prick.

You’re courting attention.

Block and ignore.

ARainyNightInSoho · 01/02/2025 18:21

There is nothing at all to ‘get to the bottom’ of. Stop the private messaging now. Nothing good can come of it.

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 01/02/2025 18:21

There's nothing to get to the bottom of,he thinks you're an easy lay divorced etc.
Block the sleaze merchant.
I bet he's got form for going behind his wife's back.

loropianalover · 01/02/2025 18:21

No33 · 01/02/2025 18:17

You're enjoying the attention. Trying to fool yourself that you want to 'get to the bottom: of what he's attracted?

Seems to me more that you just want to carry on talking.

Edited

Sorry OP but I completely agree with this.

If he was separated from his wife any decent man would make that clear. This stupid texting back and forth is only going to get you in trouble.

I understand that you are now free and single and it’s nice to feel wanted or special, but go find it with a single man. This whole thing is weird and slimy.

MySweetGeorgina · 01/02/2025 18:28

No need to get to "the bottom of it", seriously 😁

He is a man

He thinks you may have sex with him if he plays his cards right

That's the simple fact of life. Ask any single women, it's quite normal to get approached by married men just trying their luck

How come you did not know this fact about men ConfusedGrin

Christl78 · 01/02/2025 18:29

Men….
I separated over one year ago and moved in my own flat. Living on my own. You could see it in their eyes “available with own space”. You could see their eyes just lighting up and could very clearly read their thoughts. Doh! Keep your distance OP. Better on your own rather with a married creepy man.

Newlydivorcedand62 · 01/02/2025 18:38

Yep, you're all right of course. I knew what the replies would be but suppose I needed to see it written down in black and white. Thank you. If he messages me later I shall ignore him and ignore from now on.

But I have been enjoying the attention. I've had so little attention in the last few years that it's felt good.

I did forget to mention that he works away in a different part of the country for 5 days a week which makes messaging me (and perhaps others too?) a heck of a lot easier.

Thank you to those of you who said I need someone for me as he's having his cake and eating it! The reality is though, sadly, that I don't know any single men at all. If I did, I'd be out there! I'm worth much more than someone's bit on the side. If I was his wife and found out what he was getting up to I don't know what I would do. Throttle him/scream at him/leave him? I'd be appalled.

Off now to pour myself a large G&T and read all your messages again, and give myself a good talking to. Thanks again you wonderful people!

OP posts:
Newlydivorcedand62 · 01/02/2025 18:42

@MySweetGeorgina
"No need to get to "the bottom of it", seriously 😁
He is a man
He thinks you may have sex with him if he plays his cards right
That's the simple fact of life. Ask any single women, it's quite normal to get approached by married men just trying their luck
How come you did not know this fact about men"

Haha! I know! The truth is I've never been approached by a married man before in all of my 62 years!! Had plenty of relationships too 😉

OP posts:
Newlydivorcedand62 · 01/02/2025 18:42

@Christl78
“available with own space”. Love this! 😂. You're all right. I'm a complete twit.

OP posts:
Christl78 · 01/02/2025 18:46

Newlydivorcedand62 · 01/02/2025 18:42

@Christl78
“available with own space”. Love this! 😂. You're all right. I'm a complete twit.

😂😂😂
Believe me OP, this is only the beginning. You can literally see it in their eyes.
Just ignore them. I do. And always go for sisterhood. I have vowed to never do this to another woman. Plus I have vowed to respect myself.

Secondstart1001 · 01/02/2025 18:56

I think although you are enjoying the attention, you are being complicit in allowing this man to cheat emotionally on his wife. Stop it because it isn’t fair.

TammyJones · 01/02/2025 19:06

This is an easy one.
You're 'fresh meat '
Your friend is right stop communicating with him.
It's probably causing a lot of trouble with his wife already.
When I was freshly divorced, married men were falling out the trees ti be my 'friend' - very disappointing
Op stay the course.
There are plenty of single men out there.
Maybe a toy boy this time - as a young at heart mature women.

Elasticatedtrousers · 01/02/2025 19:11

@Newlydivorcedand62 you deserve someone who is not trying to place you into grubby little side piece role.

Glad you've come on here before your vulnerability and need for a confidence boost led you down a very VERY dark and soul destroying path.

Affairs are abusive and you would have ended up caught up with an abusive cheat.

Block, delete and move on, good luck!

LittleBigHead · 01/02/2025 19:11

Or his he just chancing his arm, deep in a mid-life crisis and bored in his marriage?

This. Block him. Not a man you want to be involved with.

neilyoungismyhero · 01/02/2025 19:18

I think I might ask him when he got divorced.

Newlydivorcedand62 · 01/02/2025 20:02

@Elasticatedtrousers what a thoughtfully worded and lovely message - thank you 🥰.

@TammyJones thank you, but if you can show me any single and attractive men who would be interested in a woman my age I’ll pay you handsomely! 😁

OP posts: