Post separation abuse and child contact

[YourEagerBiscuit]

I'm looking for advice and experience for my sister who isn't on mumsnet and I did suggest I'd do post. She is separate from her husband not divorced yet. 2 primary age children.

They seperated basically because he was controlling and emotionally abusive. I can give details on this if needed I just don't want the post to be too long. He also was a lazy dad and niot very kind or loving to the children. For example picking at them a lot, being inconsistent with discipline.

Now they live separately close to each other and school. He insists on seeing them everyday even though the children aren't particularly keen and it is fairly disruptive to routine and the things they like to do.

The issue I'm posting about is that he's becoming increasingly toxic and manipulative towards the children. Things like saying he has no one he's sad and lonely slagging off their mum. He's also not from UK but has lived here nearly 20 years. He also talks about how bad the country is, ways of life and British people are. He will make decisions on things they do which are change in routine or contact and tell the children without consulting their mum. He constantly talks about how messy and naughty they are in front of them. When they are just normal children. I work with children at times and they are actually quite well behaved!

She is worried about the environment he is creating for them and that this is a pattern of his behaviour toward her turning towards the children and that it's effecting the children. For example with anxiety. He also continues to send her long messages being abusive.

So we are both wondering what she can do, but also what she can expect, she's going to seek legal advice. But I think she's very worried about stopping contact, how she'd go about it and what her legal obligations may be to facilitate contact. Also what the leagal advice may be! So I think it would be really helpful to hear from people who have experience of this type of thing. Just so she's informed and can get an idea of what to expect as she goes into the process.

Thanks

I would stop contact and tell him to go to court. She can refuse mediation because of the abuse.

She needs to collate evidence of the abuse: texts, messages, witnesses.

She should install a video doorbell and start a diary of his behaviour. Inform the school.

She should get a domestic abuse organisation involved and be prepared for him to push back as he's obviously used to getting his own way.

She shouldn't block him as his messages can be used as evidence, but she can divert his calls to voicemail.

If she's frightened at home she can contact the council, they can secure it.

She needs to start the divorce process.

First post nailed it

She needs to protect her children and herself

Agree with all of the above.
You mentioned he is not from this country. Is there any possibility he would take the children to his home country? She needs to keep their passports in a safe space that he cannot access or you could keep them for her.

Also, get her to report the abuse to the police and use the messages as evidence. Keep the incident numbers and use them as evidence also. Get a ring doorbell and def tell the school. She might see about getting a non mol in place to cover her and the children. Women’s aid can help her navigate this. Post separation abuse is a crime. She should report it.

Just busy with stuff out if the house. Thanks for replies so far. Will reply more later. She has their passports in a locked box. As she is worried he'd try. Which I think says a lot.

She has previously been in touch with a domestic abuse org. However they were not that helpful. I think due to limited resources in lots of social care and support services they end up dealing with the most urgent stuff and don't have much left for less urgent things. So people in physical danger, where partners are violent etc.

They did do a questionnaire with her and said the score indicated he is abusive. Then talked about immediate safety, but I think while that's obviously helpful for many women if you are in a controlling relationship it's less about that immediate threat to safety. I am also fully aware it can become physical at the leaving stage. She then made contact with her case worker a bit later about something and they were obviously struggling with a high case load and were basically like I'm trying to find a refuge for several clients I'll ring you back but I need to do this first (obviously she understands that t and would want that) but then they never did. I know she could follow up. But when you feel low in confidence it's hard and she really felt the message was, your issue isn't that important.

But I feel the experience made her feel like it wasn't proper abuse if he wasn't hitting her.
Also a huge part of the abuse has been him working on her confidence and self esteem. So she is also in a place now where she doubts herself and her feelings.

I've said the messages, emails and written notes are all evidence and she has kept them.

Does anyone have any experience of stopping contact and telling the father to go to court?

@YourEagerBiscuit

The support worker was assessing her risk. She could contact Refuge via their web chat or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline regarding her options.

She has legal options such as a non Molestation Order or a Prohibited Steps Order. Either of the above mentioned organisations can advise her on those.

There's an organisation called Rights of Women who can give her free legal advice regarding court and witholding contact as can DV organisations.

She needs to contact him and tell him she's stopping contact. She also needs to inform the school. If he threatens her or becomes aggressive she should contact the police.

There's something called the Sanctuary Scheme, her council may call it something else, where they can make her property safe if she feels at risk.

Thanks so much for all that info and orgs to help. I'll look into them and share them with her.

While I know no one can give legal advice here, honestly just having a bit more idea about what a solicitor may say and the types of things she could do is helpful. I think when you're really anxious not knowing about what could happen or how things work is so hard.

Re the DA service, I understand they were assessing risk as does she. I'm not sure if you are referring to the intial assessment or the other call? Either way they of course check the immediate risk, to her and the children. She'd definitely want the women in that situation to get support before her! However it's a shame in her case it wasn't followed up. As it certainly wasn't a situation where there was no risk at all.

I also think with almost anything else she'd just ring again. She works in a professional job and deals with challenging stuff all of the time. But I think that huge impact on her confidence and feelings of it not being proper abuse really impacted her.

@YourEagerBiscuit

She might find this information useful.