TW: Birth trauma and MC What is going on with DH since I had my son?

[Bubbles332]

Morning, everyone!

I had my son in April. We had a couple of miscarriages before, including one that was very traumatic at 12w (went to A&E twice, was sent away because gynaecology was too busy to see me, bled very heavily at home and DH had to try to help me while following instructions from ambulance, baby's remains misplaced by hospital.)

Treated me like a princess while pregnant. I was absolutely massive and towards the end he drove me to and from work every day. Birth started well but then suddenly was EXTREMELY traumatic very quickly- needed forceps in theatre, tore very badly, needed 3l of blood and it wasn't looking good for a while. He saw the whole thing and was next to me trying to hold my hand, but it had too much stuff in it so he had to hold my little finger. Baby then got sepsis and went to neonatal. We didn't know if he'd make it for a day or so. DH stayed at the hospital and looked after me and baby- I couldn't get out of bed and was doubly incontinent on loads of medication.

When we got home both of us kind of pretended it was fine and got stuck into looking after the baby. He's a great father and WFH so helps throughout the day, gets up with our son and gives him breakfast etc etc, carries the baby bag downstairs for us because there's no lift. I've had a very difficult physical recovery and it became apparent a couple of months PP that I had quite severe PTSD and very low mood. I've had counselling through NHS talking therapies and also sought support through APNI charity and a talking and sharing group. I basically don't talk to him about it if I can avoid it.

Here's the thing: while he's lovely most of the time, sometimes DH seems like he hates me?? I've tried not to talk about the birth too much because he reacts very badly whenever it's brought up. He's agreed for me to pay a private physio through the joint account (I'm not saying this is magnanimous, obviously he should but some husbands wouldn't) but seems to kind of glaze over if I get upset about any lingering symptoms. Our boy had a few issues in the first 12 weeks- he's got allergies so would get breathing issues and have reactions to things in breast milk and also had a bad reaction to his vaccines. I'd call 111 and they'd send an ambulance round, then he'd get really angry and shout at me. This happened about 3 times. He'd come with me every time and be sheepish when the doctors told me I'd done the right thing, but I didn't recognise the person he was when he got angry. We've been together 14 years and he's always been very calm. There've also been a couple of outbursts- one in a service station when I spilt a bottle of water near his phone, not even on his phone, and he started swearing and then told me to drive myself home when I pointed out that he was overreacting. In the early pp days, we had a disagreement about who had had the most sleep and he suddenly started shouting at me to go to bed and pointing his finger at me. I got quite scared because he didn't seem to be very in control and I went for a walk. Then yesterday we had a bit of a bicker about laundry which ended with him throwing clothes around the room and telling me to not touch his stuff. (Baby was asleep.) Again, it seemed like an absolutely mad reaction to a very small thing and I got scared to the point I shut myself in the bedroom with the baby. He calmed down within 5 minutes and accepts that he was a complete arse and spent the rest of the night and this morning apologising repeatedly for me.

How can he like me less now than before I had our son? He does have some insight- the other day when we drove past children's A&E he said he was sorry for how he acted in the early days and he just didn't want our son to be ill. Interestingly, he is now much more hyper-vigilant than me and is VERY worried about the baby's health. The other day the baby had a bit of a knock to the head and he had a full-on panic attack. He can't handle it when the baby has a cold and constantly asks me whether we should go to the GP. We're reintroducing egg under the guidance of baby's dietician atm (one of the baby's allergies) and he can't be in the room when I do it.

I just don't get how he can be crying his eyes out when he thinks I'm dying and sleep on a folding chair by my hospital bed for a week and then seem to not like me anymore. For me the anger issues are 100% linked to the birth and the NICU, because that's when they appeared. It seems blindingly obvious to me that he's traumatised, but he flatly refuses to talk to anyone.

I've told him today that I expect him to have referred himself to NHS talking therapies by the end of the day. But the problem is, or what? Am I going to leave with the baby and uproot my whole life? I know deep down he wouldn't actually hurt me but I don't think it's right that he is making me scared. Has anyone else been through something like this and come out the other side as a couple?

I’m sorry I can’t really help but I agree that he really needs to talk to someone. I wonder if he has PTSD too.

Just wanted to add that we have had the birth debrief. There wasn't any negligence or anything from the hospital, baby was just unexpectedly gigantic and stuck. He did sit through the Zoom meeting but kind of glazed over during it.

I'm sorry you've had an awful time. I had a similar birth and it was horrific. My DH saw me nearly die in childbirth and it massively affected him.

I think your DH needs some counselling. It sounds like it has really affected him too.

You’ve done the right thing in setting a boundary as he does need help and now. He does sound like he has PTSD of some sort or at least trauma related issues as it sounds like you both went through an awful awful time.
Who did you see for your PTSD? Could they do some couple work? I’m hoping some more knowledgeable MNers will provide some possible links for him.
He needs to acknowledge that his behaviour is not acceptable but that he also needs help to address it. It can’t be done alone.
Good luck to you both, this can be overcome and doesn’t mean the end of the marriage. But he needs to seek help now.

My husband was far more traumatised by the birth of our first son than I was. He saw them cut me from arse to elbow and the bucket of blood. I was blissfully unaware. To be fair, it wasn’t nearly as traumatic as yours. But watching your loved one go through that, knowing that you are helpless to do anything to save them is very hard. It looks very likely that he has ptsd but has been overlooked by professionals because none of it happened to him.

Do you have any family around you?

This sounds so extreme that I wondering if you may need to separate for a few months while he seeks mental health help.

You have been through a huge amount and have sensibly sought help. Your priority needs to be you and the baby.

His priority needs to be himself for a while.

I know a couple who went through something similar but with physical health (the DH developed a sudden illness and needed surgery) so he moved in with his parents temporarily.

I think you are right to encourage him to seek mental health help. I agree it sounds like he has PTSS so d and health anxiety linked to your baby.

a word of caution though….you say he won’t hurt you, but what I read is an escalation from shouting and explosive behaviour to throwing things and being aggressive, these are often the progressive steps before someone becomes physically violent. Do ensure you take steps to keep yourself safe. It is better to be safe than sorry

I think your dh has been traumatised by seeing the woman he loves go through such physical trauma, he quite possibly feared for your life and was completely unable to do anything. Then your ds was in nicu, again he was unable to care for a loved one.
He seems caring prior to the birth and I’m sure he imagined going forward that he would support you in labour and help care for ds. That reasonable assumption was taken from him and strangers, albeit highly professional, had to completely take over. He probably felt redundant.
When you have sought medical attention for ds, your dh possibly feels he’s failing because he’s not enough.
I think he definitely needs therapy to work through these feelings as bottling tjem
up is causing problems for your relationship

Some men do this when they become dads. They become abusive too.

Thanks everyone.

I have two siblings within half an hour and loads of close friends nearby. I'm also very close to my next door neighbours. I know for sure that if things ever escalated, I would be able to make myself safe very quickly. My mum was briefly in an abusive relationship when I was younger and I promised myself that would never happen to me. I'm determined not to be a boiling frog, but the fact is that some of my boundaries have been crossed already. I'm reluctant to talk to family about any of the incidents in case it turns them against him, but maybe I'll mention it to my sister today. Meeting her shortly for breakfast anyway. It's sad really because I thought it would never happen to me.

Agree with everyone who says he has PTSD. I even mentioned this in the hospital when he was beside himself having had to hold our son down while he was being cannulated, but they said that the perinatal MH team was only for women. It seems quite unfair. It was literally like a warzone in the operating theatre and he saw everything, as well as having the baby plonked on him when I was too ill to do skin to skin.

What a complicated situation! And that's not even mentioning the miscarriage stuff prior. In hindsight, I should have known something wasn't right during pregnancy because it was like I was made of glass. If I spent any prolonged amount of time in the bathroom he'd be freaking out thinking I'd found blood.

Agree with the person who said we might have to separate while he sorts himself out. We'll see what the day brings and whether he refers himself today. I've text his best friend also to see if they can do something together next week. He hasn't told anyone how the birth went and I think he needs to.

I think he's also got PTSD. I can't imagine how difficult it was for both of you. But having to watch it unfold and be able to do nothing, must be absolutely awful. Especially if he thought he might loose you both.

Sorry just sounding off into the void now because I haven't said this to anyone in real life. I've wondered if he's on some level annoyed at me. I've always been the practical brave one who knows what to do if, for example, a tyre explodes on the motorway and we break down or whatever. We thought I'd be quite good at giving birth (naive) because my pain threshold is pretty good. So then when it all goes tits-up and he thinks he has to be a single dad because I'm dead maybe he projects that onto me. IDK. He can tell all this to a therapist I suppose.

(Having had a life threatening and very scary cat 1 preterm c/sec for APH with unstable transverse lie then PPH with baby touring SCBU, then liver and heart units at regional children’s)

My husband thought he was going to loose both of us. Not just worried about if the baby survived but if he would take anyone home. it was NOT the full term birth he had imagined at all. I sprayed the theatre, surgeons and my poor husband red……he was ordered to leave and wait outside as crash teams were called. the staff were so busy saving our lives no one went and told him we were both still alive so he imagined we were dead. It was many months before he could even talk about anything other than having an immediate vasectomy. Viewing a high risk birth when two lives could be lost breaks real men who care and they can get very lost inside themselves. It may be PTSD but it comes from an unheralded trauma. Grief for the little one lost in an earlier miscarriage could add and even complicate this. I think your husband may be more traumatised by what happened than you are.

Anything that bought back memories of then such as ambulances, child going to hospital, any accidents involving blood inc when he nicked his thumb and passed out in front of the triage nurse, even now if I do anything that causes me to bleed even if small he tends to panic before he can calm down. It’s a trauma response pure and simple.

What helped him was having sane and safe good male friends who ‘got’ he had been through hell and would shut up buy him a drink and listen. being listened to deeply listened to by someone NOT involved in the whole thing made the biggest difference, He felt heard and that his feelings were a normal human response to a terrifying situation he had no control over. He also went on to chat to the GP about it all but could not bring himself to a hospital debrief. I did not force him and went on my own. Years on he now covers as a hospital chaplain and offers the same shut up and just listen to traumatised new dads that helped him.

Sharing this resource as it has signposts for traumatised dads.
https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org/fathers

www.thecalmzone.net/guides/worried-about-someone

Send this to the best friend OP.

Be open with friends and family. You don't have to give specifics, just say he seems unwell and you don't feel totally safe. That will be enough.

This was my worry. Thing is, it's not the typical story like you see on here where the man is jealous of the baby/ shows his true colours because the mum is vulnerable. I fully think it comes from deep trauma. He's very hands-on with the baby and tries to look after me (as long as it doesn't involve talking about the birth). Maybe I'm an idiot for making excuses for him.

I'm very clear that his feelings are not his fault but the way he acts is his responsibility.

Yes the only time he's mentioned it was when I overheard him saying to a friend that he thought he was going to have to walk back through our front door without either of us.

Thanks to all who have shared advice and resources.

Fear can present as anger. I agree that he probably also has ptsd and needs some help.

I don't think separating will help him tbh OP - what is clear is that he is traumatised and in need of help. Both of you have been through so much.

I spoke to my sister. She agrees he's traumatised as she came to see us in hospital at the time.

Got home and he's been for a long run and referred himself for the therapy. I didn't think he would! He says he's known something isn't right for a while but he's left it and left it because he's so scared of what will happen if he talks about it at all. Apologised profusely again.

It's been validating to read the replies on here that confirm it was actually super traumatic. I think at the time you just think 'wow, childbirth is a bit full-on!' and don't reflect. In the space of three years we've gone from being a very drama-free couple with good careers to me having haemorrhaged in front of him twice, multiple ambulance trips (I'd never been in one prior to 2022) and financial uncertainty due to me having to take extra leave and cut down hours at work due to ongoing gynae and colorectal appointments. It's a lot!

Thank you all for not just giving typical 'leave him' responses as well. We just wanted to be a family, which is how all of this ended up happening.

Well that sounds really positive OP.

Well done and keep sharing with your sister.

Ok he's now admitted that he thinks it's PTSD and is going to reach out to some charities while we wait for the referral to come through. He said he thought he didn't need help because he feels numb when it gets brought up and avoids thinking about it, but has obviously now googled and realised that that is a bad thing. He also said that there was blood all over the floor and he thinks about it whenever we watch a TV programme with blood.

I'm actually on my way to my last therapy session today and feel like we are starting a new chapter which is hopefully more positive!

Please let him know he is not the only man who has been haunted by a traumatic delivery. The right support can make a world of difference.

Asking for help when you remain struggling takes a quiet and deep courage that some men never have. There are a couple of dads who help on the phones at the Birth Trauma charity who he could speak to when he feels able to. I think they also have an invitation online ZOOM meeting for those who are at a point they would find it helpful to know it’s not just them. MIND have been a brilliant source for signposting and have a helpful resource on birth trauma PTSD. It’s mostly for mums but he may find himself resonating with the symptoms. The GP can be a good source of initial support and getting in contact with your local MH services to start to access support.

Hope all eventually goes well for you both.

Best wishes to you and your family @Bubbles332

Thanks so much all xxx