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Original poster

Ex addict

15 replies

Imissbeingme · 31/01/2025 22:57

I’ve been single for 2 years. Recently I have started speaking to a guy I’ve known for years distantly. He has been very open that he had a problem with cocaine which lead to him going to rehab for a year and he’s now been clean for 2 years. He regularly attends NA meetings and has completely changed his life around.
Would this be a non starter for you? I have 2 children.

OP posts:
Slurper · 31/01/2025 22:59

It would be an absolute non starter for me.

prlofty · 31/01/2025 23:18

Without the children it would be your choice but with them you’re risking too much.

JustAskingThisQ · 31/01/2025 23:21

Ot wouldn't be a deal breaker if I could see the changes you speak of and general stabiity

Original poster
Imissbeingme · 31/01/2025 23:23

He is completely sober now, he has his own business and in the process of buying a house. He volunteers at the rehab at weekends to help others and spends his free time either in the gym or with his son

OP posts:
2025ohdear · 31/01/2025 23:24

Given his commitment to his recovery, I'd be ok with it as long as he sticks to his meetings.

But it is a risk.

TwistedWonder · 31/01/2025 23:30

How old are your children? With young kids I dont think I’d take the risk but if they’re older, I’d give him a chance but keep him away from meeting them until much further down the line.

My friends partner is an alcoholic who has been sober for 12 years now. She gave him a chance and they’re very happy and settled. So it can work if they’re serious about their recovery

MeganM3 · 31/01/2025 23:37

I think 2 years sober is a great start but actually not that long and it's too big a risk.

If you want to proceed, you keep him entirely separate from your normal life. Have a very firm boundary.

DelphiniumBlue · 31/01/2025 23:43

Hm, my dad was an alcoholic who gave up drinking for 8 years. When he started drinking again, it was bad as it ever was within a very short time. So based on that, no, I would not be starting a relationship with an addict at all, let alone one who had only given up for a couple of years.

Original poster
Imissbeingme · 31/01/2025 23:49

We have had a conversation already where we both agreed that neither of us are ready for anything serious. We only have one night a week where we’re both free so have discussed going for meals/cinema/bowling etc. I am very much against anyone meeting my children for a very very long time so he would never ever be around them and they wouldn’t know he even exists. It’s just someone for me to spend time with once a week…I feel torn. I don’t want to judge him for his mistakes when he’s doing everything he can but at the same time I’m very wary

OP posts:
AyrnotAir · 31/01/2025 23:49

Yeah I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole to be honest. Two years isn't that long.

AcquadiP · 01/02/2025 00:01

I'd be willing to give him a chance but the first sign of a red flag and it would be over.

ZekeZeke · 01/02/2025 04:03

Our personal experiences will impact our responses.
I'm sober since 2016, would I deserve a chance of a loving trusting relationship? (If I wasn't happily married). I would hope so.

2 years while isn't long is amazing.
He is attending NA and works with helping addicts so is working hard to maintain sobriety. Owning your own business is stressful.

Be mindful of any changes or red flags. Go slowly.

CharityShopMensGlasses · 01/02/2025 06:56

I have a lot of friends In recovery because of what I used to do for work. I think people who have worked the 12 steps are incredible..that level of self examination and accountability is awesome. It's sounds like he's on his way with his recovery. I would take things slowly but not rule him out. The thing is there is also probably likely trauma in his past/ something that led to the addiction so in time this might be something to explore. If you get serious having an understanding of his recovery would be good, it will always be his responsibility but it's good to know some triggers and things that help as a partner x

wizzywig · 01/02/2025 11:50

Girl, no! He is in recovery. If all is well and he never relapses, then your life will be shaped by the steps he will need to take to stay abstinent. He sounds like he is doing really well in life. Be a friend to him.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 01/02/2025 12:01

CharityShopMensGlasses · 01/02/2025 06:56

I have a lot of friends In recovery because of what I used to do for work. I think people who have worked the 12 steps are incredible..that level of self examination and accountability is awesome. It's sounds like he's on his way with his recovery. I would take things slowly but not rule him out. The thing is there is also probably likely trauma in his past/ something that led to the addiction so in time this might be something to explore. If you get serious having an understanding of his recovery would be good, it will always be his responsibility but it's good to know some triggers and things that help as a partner x

My DP is 5 years sober from alcohol and about 2 years from other substances (just before we met).

While there is always a possibility that he will relapse, the bigger issue for him - and therefore in our relationship - is the troubled childhood/abusive parents that led to him drinking/taking drugs. That needs ongoing therapy and is ever present in the way he interacts with me and others, impacts his self esteem and core beliefs etc. He’s also worked supporting others dealing with addiction but tbh being involved so closely in that environment probably didn’t help him as he could normalise his addiction and see himself as “not that bad compared to others”. I’m not saying he should be judged, but when surrounding yourself with homeless intravenous heroin users, it’s probably easier to brush a prescription pain med addiction under the carpet.

Just be careful that his saviour tendencies of wanting to help other addicts aren’t part of a codependency addictive pattern.

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