Break up

[Alloveragain25]

I just wanted your opinions or advice

I’ve broke up with my baby girls dad she’s 10 months old after a relationship of arguing on and off since the pregnancy we’ve been together 5 years and I’ve had enough I’ve got 3 teenagers 2 girls and boy and I don’t want them to grow up thinking this is an ok relationship we’ve “tried” to fix it time and time again.

I need a happy home

anyway he’s saying he wants 50/50 a Thursday/friday/Saturday/sunday I think that’s too much I don’t wanna be accused of using her as a weapon it’s joy against him he loves her to pieces she’s everything he’s wanted but I just don’t think it’s fair and I dunno how to approach it amicably or what else to offer ??

What is the reason you don’t think 50/50 is fair?

I work during the week like he does baby goes to a childminder so I have a couple of hours in the evening and then no weekends

Before you split, how much of the responsibility for your baby did he take? Daily routines, appointments, planning and buying essentials? Can he provide a stable home for her now? He doesn't get to dictate every weekend because it suits him. Why isn't he willing to change his working hours? What childcare would he use? He's responsible to pay for it all and take time off if she's unwell.

Document everything you do for your child. Documents the conflict that caused the break up. She's so young, let him go to court to ask for 50/50.

I did majority of care. Up until recently he’s only just started to be more involved in the day to day bits. He has a place that she will be safe in. His response when I say about working hours is he will just quit and sign on.

that’s my plan now every conversation etc I don’t wanna be that person that says we need to go to court then because he just turns around and says I’m stopping him seeing her and because I’ve ended the relationship then I can suffer and see her half the time like him??

Let him quit then and he can do Monday to Thursday. Leaves you the full weekend and only 2 days childcare costs. Assuming he pays nothing towards her now anyway.

Call his bluff. See if you can get a free 30 mins with a solicitor regarding mediation. He is being unreasonable and already trying to manipulate you.

So it’s not 50/50 you’re uncomfortable with, its the split of days he’s suggested. So suggest a different split over a month so that you get equal weekends. Eg a 5 day rota so you have Monday to Fri, he has Saturday to Wednesday then you get Thursday to Monday and so on. Suggest whatever works for you. You’ll need to get a calendar with handover dates marked on. This is all assuming you’re comfortable with 50/50.

Sounds like he wants 50/50 to piss you off and avoid paying any maintenance. The threat to quit his job and ‘sign on’ shows that. He clearly doesn’t realise that ‘signing on’ isn’t a case of popping to the job centre once a week, he’ll need to spend 30+ hours a week looking for and applying for work, and undertaking activities to improve his employability. Not sure what your child will be doing while he’s job seeking but I’d love to hear about him juggling it. Honestly the best thing to do when these twats insist on 50/50 is to agree. Pick days/routines that give you a good mix of time with your child and time to work, as well as some free evenings to socialise. I guarantee that the minute he hears that you’re off out for the night while he has the baby, suddenly it won’t work for him anymore.

I'd say every other weekend. It gives you time to spend with your treasure too.
Then negotiate days of the week.
It's an agreement, not just what he wants.

Selfishly I don’t want 50/50 she’s little I’m her main carer this is her home with me

What would you like to suggest to him?

What would you like to suggest to him?

It’s so scary and heartbreaking at the thought of her not being with me overnight like I’ve slept in a bed next to her cot every night for 10 months and now the thought of her not being with me is so sad.
I feel like she needs her dad too because that’s fair but I don’t know what to suggest whether I suggest Thursday night Friday day and night and then come home lunchtime Saturday? He can have the Friday off work that’s not a problem for his work

@Alloveragain25 It doesn't sound like 50/50 is in the best interests of your baby. Your suggestion of a couple of nights is reasonable.

He's not automatically entitled to 50/50.

Keep a record of all communication so he can't say you're refusing access.

With respect OP, if you separate then this is reality, the prospect of having your child 50% of the time. A lot of parents stay in the relationship to avoid this (not suggesting you should.)
Age aside it would be expected for you to work towards 50%.
Given that, why not suggest EO weekend and split the weekdays or working up to that?
Is baby exclusively breastfed?

I know I do understand this i guess im just talking out loud about how u feel.
she’s not breastfed no so she court won’t say she has to stay with me :-(

If it matters to you - and I can see why it does - then stick to your guns. Don’t worry about what he says about you going to court - he doesn’t want to go either.
And document what you do now, as others have suggested.
Threatening to give up work so that he can sign on, just so he doesn’t have to support his own child when they are with you … you are well away from him.