Letting go (getting over) someone you see regularly

[Sweetlove23]

what is says in title. Was seeing someone, it ended and now I have to see him regularly.

i have gone no contact unless in passing and he says hello, asks how I am but that’s it. I make no effort to reach out or find ways to bump into him, make every effort not to.

but if I do see him, it triggers me and I feel like I’m back to square one.

if anyone has gone through something similar, how long did it take to not care anymore, stop feeling sad and down and have your thoughts run away with you.

Was there anything that helped? I’m distracting, meditating, sitting with my feelings, listening to inspiring podcasts/books/videos, going out with friends, journaling, being grateful etc. some days are ok but then others like today I just feel crap and like it’s never going to end.

Time and distance unfortunately.
How often do you bump into them?
Do you have to stop and chat? can you just be in a rush and keep walking

@Guest100 maybe 1-2 times a week and I will keep going if it’s a walking situation but if I’m doing something like making a cup of tea, it’s more difficult.

I found journalling very helpful. Make lists or freewrite about how you'd ideally like to be treated in a perfect relationship, which wouldn't include someone ditching you or cheating ( or whatever caused the split). But also include all the tiny things you overlooked with him. Moodiness or football blaring on TV or hating vegetables or being stingy either compliments or something he did or didn't do in bed. Raise the bar, way higher, even if it's only in your journal. Be really thorough. Soon, even if you bump into him, you'll be thinking, lucky escape. I no longer date men who are stingy with money/ suffocating kissers/ dress like a teen... whatever it is that you never really liked about him.

When you see them focus on their flaws , the gross things about them . Run that through your head instead of the lovely times you had.

Thanks @WinterFoxes and @romdowa good advice. I do journal but will add to how I journal.

I think what’s made it worse is I asked for space and within the first week, he comes to ask why I’ve not been talking to him then next week asks if I’m ok with him and says sorry.
It’s not my job to make you feel better. The other day he asked how I was and after I said ok thanks, his response was I’m fine thanks for asking. I mean wtf really.

I'm a year and a half in, and still get triggered. It's a colleague - sounds like yours might be too? I've read that avoidance makes things worse, but it's the only thing that gets me onto an even keel. If I can successfully avoid him for weeks, I start to feel like I've really turned a corner. Then I bump into him unexpectedly, up close, and it affects me for the next week. I wouldn't say this "helped", exactly, but he never had the balls to look me in the eye and acknowledge his actions, and at my lowest ebbs when I reached out to him and asked to talk, he didn't reply. So, things are now too awkward for him to act like we can still have matey small talk or in-person work conversations, and frankly I'm furious with him too. Everything has to be by email and completely work related. It's a horrible situation and it's ridiculous it's got that way, but I haven't found a better way. I don't want to leave the job, for various other reasons, but it's tempting sometimes. I think if I was seeing someone else, I'd care far, far less... Whenever I think about him in a sexual light, I force myself to change course and think of someone else, and that's made me feel much more ready and excited to be with another man instead of lingering over this car crash. But it took over a year for that to even occur to me!

@Hellohellebores I’m sorry to hear you’re still going through this. I really hope I’m not in a year. If I am, I will have to change jobs as much as I don’t want to because this job works well for me.

where did you read avoiding makes it worse? Everything I read says the opposite. It kind of makes sense as your brain wants the connection and the more you get it, the less likely you are to let go. I’m ok if I don’t see him which proves it works but like you get triggered when I do.

could you say. “Actually, I’d rather not engage with you for a while, so can we not please. Unless it’s about work.”

I may have to if I keep getting triggered.

I’m guessing this is at work?

Been there very recently/ still am there to some extent.

Focus on the positives of him asking how you are etc. He’s clearly a nice man that cared about you. Mine does that and while seeing his gorgeous hair and broad shoulders is hard, you can try flip it round.

Think of the worst thing about him visually. Awful nose, bad jeans, slightly messy beard, whatever. When you see him, focus on that negative. You need to train your brain to see him as a normal bloke that’s not hot, not this gorgeous Greek god being!

Do any of your friends know about you? Your friends may be helpful in mentioning things that are unattractive about him and why it never would have worked.

Focus on why it never would have worked, all his bad habits, shortfalls, why you weren’t a good match.

Find male attention elsewhere.

Find distractions in the environment that you’re both it. Chat to new people, find new routines, take on extra tasks. Make your tea elsewhere if you can.

If that helps you, bring your alter ego out around him, be totally Sasha Fierce. Don’t let him see you sad. Act like you’re living your best life. Look amazing. Chat to other people while he’s there, don’t converse with him if there are options.

Most importantly tho you both need to get on with it and be able to co-exist. Focus on it like co-parenting or something. It’s not an ideal situation but find a way for the greater good.

Mine and I are now almost ok. I watched him pick his nose the other day and just chuckled to myself like ‘me and HIM? Really?!’ We do say hi in a positive way and we do chat.

You are Beyoncé. No man is worth it, you get up, strut your stuff and move on. Believe that and fake it til you make it.

@ElleintheWoods how recent is yours? I try all these things but I think it’s because it’s fairly recent. Just hoping with time things will just go back to normal. Or a new normal maybe.

We split up (well that’s a big word as we didn’t really properly get together, feelings were there on both sides but we called it quits after a few dates and a loooong courting period prior) in October.

To be honest the first 4 weeks or so were awful. I was so sad and withdrawn at work.

Go on holiday if you can, or book time off. We both booked time off during that initial period so that one was away, then the other went away.

That massively helped, not having to see him for a while.

Another thing we did was try to bring things back to normal asap. We did actually say hi daily and have a quick chat in person if we passed as we knew we were going to have to eventually, and also didn’t want everyone else to think we had fallen out.

The first few weeks will be terrible unfortunately and you need to just push through.

Was it serious?

Good question, actually - I'm torn between two contradictory ideas!
(1) No-contact rule, for all the reasons you say, and that I've experienced too - the longer you go, the easier it gets
(2) I've read that avoiding trauma triggers makes them worse. I know trauma is a dramatic word, but that's what it is for me, in its way.

If I stay in this job, then I can never truly achieve no-contact. He will always pop up now and then, in ways I can't control, and I'm honestly no further on on my reactions after all this time - if I see the shape of him at a distance, hear his voice, it hits my nervous system and I react. Sometimes, controlled exposure has helped me - e.g. being in a big, formal meeting with him and others, where it's all strictly business and best behaviour, and I can just get used to being around him in that safe way. Also, as @ElleintheWoods said in that excellent post with amazing advice - having some chances to get my best Sasha Fierce on, again in a controlled, strictly business setting. But I cannot deal with him in an uncontrolled, potentially chit-chatty setting.

What doesn't help, is that unlike Elle's guy, mine is insecure enough that he cannot resist pushing my buttons sometimes, so I can't even rely on him to help me in that way. He started off with all the right noises about how he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable at work, but I don't think he can help himself from being a prick sometimes.

@Hellohellebores i agree you can’t avoid trauma triggers. But this doesn’t mean you chat like nothing happened, it means working through them instead of dismissing them. So instead of being ‘I wish these feelings would go away’ it’s more ‘I accept these feelings are here, it’s ok to feel this way’ We have to learn to self regulate which is a really hard thing to do.

I am exactly the same, he walked past the other day and I just felt rubbish. I will never go with anyone in a work setting again. You can’t heal properly and move on.

@Hellohellebores why is he being a prick? What does he do?

@Hellohellebores I get the being a prick thing.

I’m being the prick sometimes. I’ve made a couple of passive aggressive comments. For example questioned his knowledge on topics he is supposed to have greater expertise in where he was actually right.

Or him making a nice comment about my food and me just looking him up and down and walking away. I actually apologised after that one.

It’s a subconscious expression of pain/ disappointment I’m afraid. I do feel bad when I act like that and think ‘where did that come from!’

He didn’t give you space when you asked for it. He was sarcastic because you didn’t ask how he was quick enough. That tells you he doesn’t care about your feelings and that he expects you to still be taking an interest in him and giving him the opportunity to talk about himself even though you have made it clear by asking for space that chatting with him isn’t what’s best for you right now.

Keep concentrating on that and thank your stars you got out when you did because he is a self-centred prick. Think of some polite ways of closing down conversations. E.g. when he asks how you are, maybe say with a smile , “I guess we’re both fine as we are both at work.” Then concentrate really hard on the tea making and wander away without giving him a second glance

This is so true, actually. I have definitely expressed disappointment and hurt pride in these kinds of ways. Like to express a message of "don't treat me like that, then expect me to be fine with you", or "don't expect me to accept less than your best professional efforts now, I'm not that girl anymore who would hang round your desk chatting, I've got an important job to do".

@Sweetlove23 , from him it's been him saying and doing things in my presence to make me jealous or trigger the insecurities he knows I have. I had to stop all forms of messaging contact with him because I never knew when something like that would come and sideswipe me. But in other ways, to be fair, he has given me space and respect, and expressed remorse (via text) at the start. It's just been very mixed messages, just like the whole thing always was from him, and it's the mixed messages that keep you from having any peace. It's also the mismatch between what's happened in person, versus what's been communicated in messages, that's a mindfuck when your body responds automatically one way, then you remember. So I'm just resigned now that nothing there is salvageable, which is sad. I can't trust myself to be consistent either - I had periods of being friendly, but now I've retreated totally.

So... In answer to your OP... Here's how not to handle it!!

@Lurkingandlearning that’s exactly what someone else said when I told them. He doesn’t like the fact I’m not bothering anymore because it no longer feeds his ego.
Im ok when I have space but then bumping into him brings up my feelings again. It’s a vicious cycle.

I know he’s not worth it, I mean I found out recently he also asked my colleague out whilst seeing me but she said no so I guess I was the fallback.

it’s also hard because he’s blown my self esteem out the water. I feel I’m worthless, no self respect etc. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself. The one thing I will say is right now I am not interested in meeting/dating/being with anyone else.

@Hellohellebores you’re situation sounds so similar with the mixed messaging. I tried for a week to be all friendly and act like nothing had happened but it just doesn’t work. So this is why I’ve basically gone minimal contact (can’t call it no contact), I’m not rude but I’m not let’s have a chat. it’s also because I don’t trust myself either. It’s hard not to reach out which is what the automatic response is but I’ve done well not to. I’ve deleted his number from my phone aswell so I’m not tempted.

He wants to be friends but it’s so he doesn’t feel bad. It’s not because he gives a shit about me.

I'm going through exactly the same thing as you at the moment and it's horrific. Everything is so tense and I even cried on the first day back. I don't have any good advice but hopefully you get some good advice!

@Fayruh im sorry to hear that. Well happy to be here to go through it together. Support each other through it.

it’s also hard because he’s blown my self esteem out the water. I feel I’m worthless, no self respect etc. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself. The one thing I will say is right now I am not interested in meeting/dating/being with anyone else.

Well, it’s good to give yourself some time before you start dating again but I’m sorry about the rest of it.

You are not worthless. He’s messed with your head. It seems he is one of those people who enjoy doing that. People like that aren’t easy to spot, you know if they were they’d never get away with it. You’re being way too hard on yourself.

Keep reminding yourself that despite his vanity, he is so insecure he can only feel good about himself by being shitty to other people. That’s real low self esteem. Keep focusing on what an arsehole he is, keep distracting yourself with things that you enjoy and make you happy and I think you’ll feel better sooner than you think.

It’ll get better ❤️‍🩹 Find some good friends to spend time with instead, let them take you for work lunch. Mine have been a godsend.

Take time off if you can and remember your own nice little world outside work exists. Go away with a friend for a couple of days, dress up, do things that don’t bring him back.

The following weekend a friend took me out in town and we literally followed the path of our last date (accidentally, not planned!! I’m not a masochist!) . It brought so much back so I was glad I was with a friend and could quickly overwrite those memories