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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SILs Leaving Me Out

34 replies

Asvan · 31/01/2025 17:41

I would really appreciate some advice please.

Background - I'm early 40s and have always been quite a reserved person. I avoid any kind of conflict and confrontation and don't like kicking up a fuss. On the whole I am easy to get on with because I can be easily led. Sometimes I really don't like the way I am but don't think I can change my personality.

My DH has 2 brothers and both are married.

Sil1 is headstrong, confident and likes to get her own way. She has caused trouble between me and mil in the past so I have always kept her at arms length. We weren't best friends but have a cordial relationship. Her and bil1 moved abroad 6 years ago and since then we speak to each other a couple of times a year on birthdays and other occasions.

Sil2 is 2 x more headstrong than sil1 and she came into the picture after sil1 moved abroad. She likes to get her own way and will go to any lengths to do it. I got on quite well with her at first and she would constantly give me advice on how to stand up for myself etc. I found certain aspects of her personality difficult to digest and found her to be quite toxic and manipu especially when dealing with people she didn't like for one reason or another but she was always OK with me and I started seeing her as a friend. However, a few months ago she completely cut me out of her life after she didn't agree with me over something minor over whatsapp (first time I disagreed with her about anything). She sent me a series of very horrible messages and blocked me. I didn't even get a chance to respond. After that I've seen her a few times, tried to greet her but she just gives me the cold shoulder. When I was close to her she used to tell me about several people she had cut out of her life and always made out it was their fault so I'm sure she thinks this is all my fault. I've never had anyone cut me out of their lifel ike this before so this really upset me and I have almost been grieving our relationship. I just don't understand how we can be really close one minute and enemies the next (over a minor disagmeement).

Sil1 and sil2 had never met in person or had a phone relationship but a few days ago sil1 and bil1 came to stay at mils. They are staying for 10 days. I was planning to spend some time with sil1 and had messaged her about it before she arrived but now it seems like sil2 has taken over her whole itinerary. I've messaged sil1 a few times to ask when she would like to meet up but she always has something planned with sil2. I then see all their outings posted on sil1s social media. I don't know why but I feel really left out and hurt by this and feel like sil2 is doing this on purpose to get back at me. From what I knew of both of them I really thought they would clash and not get on but they appear to be getting on like a house on fire.

I'm really upset and don't know what to do but I'm sick of being a walkover. Should I just leave them to it or should I speak to sil1 about this? I'm afraid whatever I say to sil1 will get back to sil2 and it will only cause more trouble.

OP posts:
UncharteredWaters · 31/01/2025 17:44

Stay out of it.
with personalities like that there will be epic fireworks soon enough!

Alalalala · 31/01/2025 17:45

Yes leave them to it. In a while they will probably clash and fall out too. Be pleasant to the one you still get on with, just text and say “Would love to meet up if you have time, if not hopefully next time!” - something cheerful.

Don't take it to heart. She’s just another difficult person in the world. Leave her to it and focus on all the wonderful things in your life. You don’t want to be in her club!

WhatNoRaisins · 31/01/2025 17:47

OP do you even like these people?

skippy67 · 31/01/2025 17:53

From what you've said, you're best off out of it.

Rainbowshine · 31/01/2025 17:58

Why do you care about their opinion so much? They are just related to you by chance, they are not that frequently in your life. Just leave them to it, together and separately and stop trying to make them into friends. If there’s a family event just be polite and don’t engage much with them.

Original poster
Asvan · 31/01/2025 18:10

I think I care because I come from a culture where family is seen as everything and also because I don't like to be disliked. I've spent all my life trying to keep people happy and wanting to be liked.....

Tbh I don't like either of them but I wanted to spend time with sil1 because I didn't want her to think I didn't make an effort with her. __

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 31/01/2025 18:51

Tbf they haven't 'left you out' have they? They just like each others company. Which, I understand, is allowed.

IncaDove · 31/01/2025 18:53

Why do you want to spend time with people you really don't like?

YearsofYears · 31/01/2025 18:55

They both sound like hard work, great that they have each other to interact with. I'd just keep things breezy and see them if there's a family gathering.

Dollshousedolly · 31/01/2025 18:56

Leave them to it. Don’t contact them again. Keep reminding yourself that these are two women who just happen to be married to your DH’s brothers. You don’t need to have any sort of relationship with them. Concentrate on your own friends and your own family. You’ll be a lot happier as a result.

Meadowfinch · 31/01/2025 18:57

To be honest I'd avoid both of them. Neither sounds compatible with you, neither sound much fun.

Spend time with your own friends. You can't choose your family, and these members are really not important.

Dollshousedolly · 31/01/2025 18:58

Asvan · 31/01/2025 18:10

I think I care because I come from a culture where family is seen as everything and also because I don't like to be disliked. I've spent all my life trying to keep people happy and wanting to be liked.....

Tbh I don't like either of them but I wanted to spend time with sil1 because I didn't want her to think I didn't make an effort with her. __

You’re not responsible for what your SIL thinks of you. You don’t like either SIL’s so just put them both out of your head. If you happen to end up in their presence, do not come across as needy, smile and say hello and a little chit chat about the weather and move on.

StormingNorman · 31/01/2025 18:59

Your SILs are going to fall out spectacularly at some point soon. The honeymoon phase won’t last long. Then they’ll both be competing to get you on side. just sit quiet, don’t talk about either of them to anyone in the family and wait for it all to explode.

MayaPinion · 31/01/2025 19:01

Stay out of it. I know someone like SIL. She goes ‘friends’ like a dose of salts. The minute there’s a minor disagreement she’s on to her next victim. And this will happen here - love bombing followed by a discarding. If there’s a gathering of the whole family go along with your DH, but don’t get involved and don’t be needy or sad. Be happy, friendly and pleasant, and go back to your own life. This is not your circus, and not your monkeys.

ThejoyofNC · 31/01/2025 19:01

Spend the time working on yourself instead, it will be much more worthwhile.

pictoosh · 31/01/2025 19:04

UncharteredWaters · 31/01/2025 17:44

Stay out of it.
with personalities like that there will be epic fireworks soon enough!

First post nails it.

BruFord · 31/01/2025 19:05

Bloomin’ heck,OP, they sound awful, especially SIL2.

Please follow the advice to focus on your real friends and not waste energy on those two.
As @Rainbowshine says, you’re related them by chance and it’s fine not to be best buddies. I have three SIL’s. One I genuinely like as a friend, although due to distance, we don’t see a lot of each other; the other two are nice enough but we’ll never be close. As long as we all run along at family get-togethers , that’s enough.

SIL2 sounds likes she punishing you for daring to disagree with her on something, what a nasty cow. I’d stay well away from her in future.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/01/2025 19:06

We’ll bring the 🍿 because women like this bond very quickly and the combust rapidly. You are best off out of it. If you were around they would argue…. and probably blame you.
The main thing is your relationship with your DH. I know you said family is very important but in this case it’s just for appearances. You can see your MIL separately.
Then lead your own life and leave these women to it. They both sound awful!

Snorlaxo · 31/01/2025 19:08

Stay out of it.

From your description, it sounds like the odds that they will fall out is very high.

HolyStyleFailBatman · 31/01/2025 19:09

It’s not you….its them. Try to work on caring less about their opinion of you, it will be a weight off.

arcticpandas · 31/01/2025 19:10

Asvan · 31/01/2025 18:10

I think I care because I come from a culture where family is seen as everything and also because I don't like to be disliked. I've spent all my life trying to keep people happy and wanting to be liked.....

Tbh I don't like either of them but I wanted to spend time with sil1 because I didn't want her to think I didn't make an effort with her. __

Wow. And here I was thinking I was a people pleaser. You DO NOT want to spend time with these difficult persons yet you are hurt they don't want to spend time with you.

You need some kind friends OP, not these 2.

TheEllisGreyMethod · 31/01/2025 19:31

As someone unfortunate enough to have 5 sister in laws, just be glad you're out of it

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2025 19:43

Family is NOT everything. What sort of culture says that it is?. You’ve been trained into thinking that it is by your own family, not your culture.

Both SILs here sound like absolute toxic horrors and there is no law to say that you have to spend any time with them.

Read about how to overcome people pleasing. being a people pleaser certainly has not helped you. It is ok to start saying no.

Do get therapy for your people pleasing behaviour because that often comes about from wanting to parent please an otherwise emotionally difficult or absent parent.

Whatabouthow · 31/01/2025 19:45

Why are you bothered? It doesn't sound like you like either of them and have also pushed them away (quite fairly, they sound really hard work). Let them thrash it out together.

BBQPete · 31/01/2025 20:52

Another who can't understand why you would want to spend time with two people you clearly don't like. Confused