Feeling deflated

[Openmindopenheart]

Hi everyone, I'm a 4th year Social work student due to Graduate in the summer. I had my first social work job interview yesterday & was soo nervous. Getting this Job means the world to me & I've dedicated so much of my life over the last 5 years to this. Anyway I got through it and got offered a position. Yayy!!

My partner was at work. I called him to let him know he said well done but said he could talk as he was busy. Fair enough. To I excitedly waited for him to come home. However when he came home he didn't really seem fussed. This made me feel shit. Everytime I tried to talk about it he just didn't seem to be excited, happy or even proud for me. He just acted like it was a normal night.

Then this morning I spoke about it again & he tells me that I'm being to much. That all I've done Is talk about Social work. Wow, Way to dull my sparkle. He got up & left for work. My friend called later in the day and ask how we celebrated. I told her we didn't. She was like oh 😳

I tried to communicate how I was feeling to him when he came home from work. Obviously he didn't validate my feeling infact he told me I was wrong for feeling this way. That I should expect him to celebrate me. That I didn't do it for him. I dis it for me. That I shouldn't need him to make a song and dance out of it. That I need to manage my expectations & emotions. That I'm insecure for thinking he should celebrate me & that I'm only upset because he didn't act the way I think he should. I tried to explain that I felt unsupported & that this meant souvh to me but he does understand why I'm upset 😭😭😭

Is he jealous or worried your going to over take him career wise? It’s not ok that he wasn’t pleased for you. He should be cheering you on! But well done op five years of hard work and your nearly finished!!

You’re about to become a social worker. So you know this is not okay ❤️
The world needs people like you and massive congratulations on doing this.
This is a vocation and it’s a difficult (understatement) job to do, and you’ll need someone supportive to unload to almost every day.
Can he do that?
I think you already know the answer xx

You know the answer, OP. It’s a tough job, and a worthwhile one. If he can’t celebrate tier first success with you, how is he going to support you through difficult times?

Thank you 😪. You know I know your right. It Is just so difficult when he can't understand and admit that this is not good enough. We have been together 10 years. I just don't know if I can continue to be made to feel like this. We are bonded. He is part of me and I'm not strong enough to walk away but fear he will never grow & develop Xx

You can only assume that he's not thrilled for you. I'm guessing he feels undermined. Probably thinks he's going to have to pick up more of the general chores. Meet up with your friend to push the boat out.

What an arsehole! I would be both furious and upset by his reaction if I was you. He sounds like a patronising dickhead.

Possibly time to shop around for something better??

Congratulations on your job!!

Congratulations! You should be so proud of yourself. Being a social worker is not an easy job. On the bad days, you really are going to need a strong support network. You’ll have colleagues to lean on at times but it is not the same, and it would be nice if you had someone supportive rather than someone who brings you down. To have nobody would be better than to have a partner who makes you feel worse!!

Not all men are emotionally intelligent and know what the “right” thing to do is but your OP makes him sound disinterested in something huge in your life! A simple well done, let’s grab a Chinese or let’s plan a meal out to celebrate is just basics. You should expect more from him, and if he doesn’t apologise and offer an explanation for his behaviour then I’d have a think about whether all the special moments in your life want to be shared with him!

I've tried to talk to him again, and it only escalated. Apparently, I'm just a brat 😒 & I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Stating that I only got a job the same as everyone else in the world & shouldn't want or need him to celebrate me. Somehow, I'm being selfish & of course he only saying these nasty things because I've made a big deal out of it. In his perspective it's not him that's upset me it's me that's upsetting myself by expecting more.

I told him I didn't want to keep doing this & asked him to leave there room. He refused, and things just continued to get heated due to his toxic comments. I am at breaking point. He said that I can't just decide that I don't want to be with him anymore & that he won't leave 😭😭😭

Really, I don't want him to leave I just want him to celebrate my success. I've had my own oast traumas & I feel that he uses these against me because he knows that I am attched to him & that Im not strong enough to leave him. So what I just keep accepting less. This is so hard

Oh OP... look up emotional abuse. You have a nasty man as your "partner" instead of someone loving and supportive. It's time to leave before he takes all your self worth away and crushes you.

What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. This may present in romantic relationships as threats, insults, constant monitoring, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, and dismissiveness, among others. Sometimes emotional abuse is more obvious, like a partner yelling at you or calling you names. Other times it can be more subtle, like your partner acting jealous of your friends or not wanting you to hang out with someone of another gender. While these emotionally abusive behaviors do not leave physical marks, they do hurt, disempower, and traumatize the partner who is experiencing the abuse.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/

He sounds worse than a selfish arsehole, he actually sounds cruel & unkind & controlling.

You absolutely CAN decide that you don't want to be with him anymore & I think you should.

You are starting a rewarding but difficult and emotionally draining job & you need someone supportive in your corner not someone who makes you feel unhappy & insecure.

What is your living situation? Will it be complicated to split?

This is a massive pointer for how things will be, I absolutely know how you feel. An ex, note ex, did not want to celebrate or congratulate when I got promoted to a job I'd been working towards for years.

I drank a glass of prosecco on my own. He was jealous and unsupportive.

Think carefully how this one. Actions always speak for themselves.

So a normal supportive partner would see you were upset and apologise and say I didn’t think, sorry, I’m sorry I upset you by being thoughtless. Not escalate it and dig his heels in.
Id be gutted too. Whats he going to be like on your first day when you want to tell him all about it? Is that also going to be ‘brattish?’

Thanks everyone for your responses. He slept on the couch last night & we have yet to talk today. Last night ended with me saying pritty much saying what the above message says. That he is not being supportive & that a supportive partner would see I'm upset an apologise. Reagedless if they agreed or not. He said he could apologise but he wouldn't mean it. This is one of his things he never takes accountability for his part and never says sorry. He continued to tell me I was a brat & that if this small thing is worth throwing our 10 year relationship away them it's not worth having. I ended up becoming very frustrated and angry. Shouting at him that hes a being a nasty prick & that it's over. I know I shouldn't have but I'm human and emotional.

We are engaged, have tried separating around 2 years ago & couldn't do it. I was heart broken. After a few months & he agreed to start working on things, we went to couples counceling which helped to a degree. Things have been better. My communication has certainly improved but every time I express an issue like this this is the outcome. I feel unheard and unsupported.

We rent a private let. So he can easily move out but I feel he wouldn't. I don't have any family or friends. We also live with my 20 year old son and 11 year old daughter from previous relationship. To my daughter he is her dad. I know everything you are all saying is right. I've known it for a while but I do love him And when we are appart im heartbroken. I have grown and developed so much through our relationship and sashas he Just not to the level I have. But this seems to be something I can not hide from anymore.

Congratulations! This is a huge achievement and the realisation of a long held dream. He should be singing your praises from the rooftops and celebrating your success. Instead he is diminishing it and ruining what should be a special time. He is probably jealous and worried that his grip on you is weakening as you will now be able to be more independent. In 6 months or so you will have a degree and a professional job that will actually make a difference to peoples lives. Will your job have ‘higher’ status than his? Will you earn more? Will you no longer be reliant on him for support? some men can’t cope with not being ‘the best’ in the home. If this is him it won’t get better. You’ve already split once. It might be time to go back to therapy.

Things might have improved since your joint counselling but has it improved enough? This is him in all his glory, shouting out you are not worthy of him, your wants and needs are not important, that you are nothing. And your children WILL be picking up on this and the worrying thing is your DD will transfer your relationship model into her own later on, where she will think she has to put everyone's needs before her own, that she too is worthless. Children watch and learn by example and she will most likely pick someone like him UNLESS you show her different. You are worthy of being loved, cared for and cherished so start loving and cherishing yourself and find a way to leave.

Who is on the rental agreement, and why can't you leave instead of him?

I'm not completely sure it's about status. He is a manger of a retail store so I guess It could be seen in that way. I see that he is overworked and underpaid and have supported him immensely through out his career progression. When we first got together, he was a seasonal worker in amazon. He has done so well to get from there to a store manager.

I think its more about a lack of emotional maturity. Saying that he does regularly tell me I need to get of my high horse? Saying that I think. That I think im better than him because of my life choices, my career, my fitness etc

I think he needs to grow & develop. Get some individual counselling as the therapist advised him to do at our last session and ofcourse he hasn't & won't which leaves me with little choice but to stay and put in all the effort or walk away from someone I love deeply because of one element of our relationship. Which to me is persistently proving a vital part. Yet he can't seem to see it. "The latest is that I'm acting like a 5 year old taking a tantrum" because he just keeps telling me that he won't talk to me about it while "you're like that" meaning upset, emotional, and angry.

You're leaving him behind career-wise and he's jealous and insecure I think, that's why he won't celebrate your success.

It could be the end of your relationship, or you could work it through. Would he go to counselling with you?

He resents you, @Openmindopenheart and he dislikes you. There is no way back from this. It seems you are trying to convince him that he's wrong and hoping he will 'come round' to your way of thinking and support you. If you do manipulate him to acknowledging what you've achieved, he will do it strategically through gritted teeth and he will pay you back for this this when he gets the opportunity. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't have your back at all?

You obviously have older children, so it's a massive accomplishment to go to uni as a mature student and then land your first social work job. Congratulations 💐 It's a huge achievement. Please think about whether this person, who refuses to celebrate you, deserves to be in your life.

Thank you, It seems you have seen into my soul. Your right I struggle to put my needs before others. I am a selfless person. It's difficult because most of the time we are the mushy type of love. Always holding hands, hugging, wearing matching clothes very much in love and my daughter sees this mostly. But you are right she sees this also. And I do tell her it's not okay. I am aware that it is not right and I do stick up for myself it just doesn't seem to get me anywhere. But your right it's because I do feel unworthy, unlovable and I want so much to be cherished. But this comes from my background.

I myself am care experienced and come from adverse childhood experiences, I was a teenage mother with my previous relationship which was 11 years of DV. My 'now' partner (my best friends brother) was an acquaintance at the time and new about it all. He knows he treats me way better than my ex did and can't understand why I can't just be happy and always seems to want more. I always end up thinking is it me !Am I so emotionally unstable that my expectations are to high.

Oh OP, you need to move on from this man. As you write more and more the scales are falling from your eyes. I think you went from one DV relationship to an abusive one - just different abuse.

Can you do the freedom programme?

If you came across a woman in your situation through your social work, what would you advise her?

I really think you need to sort this out before you start working as a social worker as you will need to be emotionally ok to cope with your day to day work .

Congratulations on your achievement and good luck.

That reaction was awful!! Is he always like this??
It's such a huge achievement and you should be so proud. You'd think he would be proud too! What an arsehole!!!
Go and celebrate with your friends this weekend...
Congratulations 🎉♥️

Congratulations- on the new job and on ditching this loser. He will always dull your shine. Value yourself more and move on. He is abusive and you deserve better.

He knows he treats me way better than my ex did and can't understand why I can't just be happy and always seems to want more.

There's a saying that if there is a tiny bit of shit in your sandwich would you still eat it? After all it's only a teeny tiny bit. Of course you wouldn't eat it. So why are you accepting a relationship that is less shit than before, it's still got shit in it, hasn't it?

Am I so emotionally unstable that my expectations are to high.
You are unstable because he creates the scenes to make you unstable, precisely because this instability stops you looking too closely at him. It is classic abusive behaviour. Take a step back and look at your relationship as an outsider would - does it look mutually respectful, supportive, caring and equal?