Blended family worries

[taratill]

My cousins's marriage ended about 3 years ago. She's got 2 kids who are 9 and 7.

The reason for the divorce was that her ExH cheated on her. He has the kids 50/50

Last year she met a man who also has 3 kids who are similar ages to my cousin's kids.About 6th months after they met my cousin moved him into her house. He has his kids 50 percent of the time too, they tried keeping all 5 kids together at the same time but the children didn't get on very well and now have a situation where one set of kids is with them all the time when the others are at their dads or mums, so they have kids alternative weekends.

There has been a fall out in the family because of concerns of the impact on my cousin's kids, her eldest has started fighting at school and getting in trouble which has never happened before. When I suggested that could be the change in family circumstances that's caused the acting out, she has flew off the handle and says she is now going to a councillor because it's obvious that no one in the family supports her and she can't cope with our family. She says that no one understands how hard divorce is and why can't anyone be happy with her? My aunt does a lot of childcare for my cousins kids while my cousins work. They kids tell my aunt are unhappy because they don't want to have other kids in their bedrooms when they are not there and they are saying stuff goes missing they are also saying my cousin's bf swears at them when she isn't there. The children don't want to be around him and say they just stay in their bedrooms when they're at their own home. Because they've said stuff is stolen bf is talking photos of the bedrooms when they leave which seems really strange behaviour.

They have said they've told their mum they don't like the bf but she just cries and says 'don't you want me to be happy' or you've got to love 'bf' and his 'kids are your brother and sisters don't be mean to them'

She seems very emotionally unstable, she called me up and told me she felt suicidal because of the fact that my aunt doesn't like her bf. I've spoke to my aunt and she feels between a rock and a hard place because the kids are telling her what is going on. If she mentions anything to my cousin and she flies off the handle and I"m sure she's right about that because of how she reacted to me. I just don't understand why if she is so happy she is getting so upset all the time? I wonder if she's made a mistake and can't back out? None of us know him at all. She couldn't have known him when she moved him in. I just feel it is a red flag that she's blaming family for everything since she's been with him and started to go to a councillor who are saying we're toxic.

How can we support the kids without pissing her off? How can we meaningfully support her? I feel as though the only thing we can do is watch and wait and listen to the kids. When she phones me up to ask her to validate her decision and to effectively agree that she's done the right thing I've just been saying that she should have the courage of her own convictions, which I think she should. As for her feeling suicidal that doesn't make sense, she's new into this relationship, he's been living there about 5 months now so surely she should be happy and worrying about what other people think wouldn't come into play.

Has any one blended a family and had happy outcomes from situations like this?

I'm worried about all of them.

She sounds selfish and it’s irresponsible to do what she’s done to her kids. I met someone after divorce, 5 years in, we still live separate for this very reason. I’d love him here but although my kids really like him, they don’t want his dc living with us eow, I’d rather wait.

That's what I think.

I just hope I'm wrong about my worries about the red flags, it's the bit about her having counselling and they're telling her her mothers toxic and a narcissist that also worries me. Would a councillor actually say that?

The poor kids. I can seem them moving in with their dad when they're older.

I think your cousin maybe making things up as she goes along tbh. She doesn’t sound stable and she’s acting like a teenager and not putting kids first. She doesn’t realise they haven’t had any time to transition from living with their dad, divorce, living between houses. All this alone is a lot. Then she moves a bf in. No problem her having a bf but moving him in was a very wrong move and why this rush? She probably doesn’t know him half as well as she thinks she does.

Who gives a shit if you upset her? Someone needs to prioritise those poor kids because she's clearly not going to. I'd personally try and get the dad to take full custody because she's unfit.

Yes, I would take to the dad and see if he's willing to go for full custody. Family comes first, yes, but those kids are your family and their mum is failing them.

I haven't had anything to do with their dad since he left over 3 years ago.

She holds down a professional, responsible, job. Apparently everyone except from her family tell her that she should put her happiness first and the kids should adapt which is why I'm questioning my own feelings about it.

It's emotional manipulation isn't it? Calling us toxic and saying she's suicidal because we won't validate her decision.

Ugggh what a mess.

I don’t thing your cousin is telling her work college the full story. She sounds immature getting and unprofessional getting work advice from co-workers. Seems like she’s looking for validation. Co-workers are not the same as family who have here and the children’s interest at heart. They will give her lip service as it would be awkward for them to tell her to give her head a wobble. The way the dc were put together sounds chaotic and very unsettling for all kids involved too!

Those poor kids.

She should absolutely not put her happiness first, what rubbish advice from her coworkers!

I guess my first instinct would be to have it out with her, bluntly saying that she's harming her children.

Realistically though that might lead her to cutting you off from the kids which obviously wouldn't be in their best interest.

Very tricky. I don't know what's best here, just be ready to call social services if there's any escalation from the boyfriend (swearing at them and taking photos of their bedrooms is already terrible! ).

Realistically though that might lead her to cutting you off from the kids which obviously wouldn't be in their best interest.

I've got to be honest this is the fear .

Aunt doesn't think that she will cut her off because she needs her to support caring for the kids. This doesn't just mean school drop off and a few hours in between. Half the time Aunt has to sort clothes out and feed them because they are so disorganised. I've told her to stop doing it otherwise cousin will never step up.

I told my cousin that this is giving aunt ammunition to argue and between the pair of them they ought to be able to manage to sort uniform out and check home work is done. Cousin then cried and said I don't under stand how stressful her job is, (I do), but there are 2 of them, he shouldn't get the benefit of moving him and his kids and take no responsibility for looking after her kids. I also pointed out that no childminder would wash their clothes or help with homework.