I’m hoping this is OK to post here but please let me know if it’s not. I saw a thread on here about something similar, and the responses were refreshingly honest and non-judgemental. I’m going to apologise in advance as I don’t have and DC’s and the person I speak of is not my DH (but is my partner), but I’m scared and I can’t afford therapy so I’m looking to the internet. I posted this on Reddit and was FLOODED with abuse so I’m hoping this community would be a bit more receptive.
I (35 YO F) have a fantastic and loving partner (42 YO M) who I’ve been with for 8 years. He is an absolutely amazing person. He makes me laugh, he’s intelligent and he treats me like a princess. I love being with him, we get on so well (we never ever argue), he’s my cheerleader and he’s just…got me.
But…I have never felt like it was right. From the get go, I’ve never been sure, but he was so ambitious, so intelligent, so funny - all the things you want in a dream partner. I’ve loved spending time with him so much and I’m aware that infatuation feeling at the start never lasts. Eventually, everyone settles into their little routines and their little lives, so I just thought this was part of it. We’re so compatible and he’s my favourite person - and not everyone is having sex all the time (are they?!)
But now…he’s lost his ambition after a few big career knocks, and his lack of motivation and laziness is rubbing off on me. He lost his ambition a few years ago but it’s only now that I’m noticing it.
I’ve tried walking once before but I backed out (he was devastated but absolutely didn’t force me to stay - I decided that myself). However, recently I was away for a long job, and I really was fine without him. I saw what life could be like without him (albeit I couldn’t afford said life as the company was paying for everything, so I had a very nice life but it wasn’t realistic).
Since being back, I have this overwhelming desire to change my life and I don’t want to lose momentum. I don’t want to miss this opportunity again.
However…I live in a very very expensive city, and I have a very nice life with him - I’m not talking just about money, I’m talking about the life WITH HIM as well as the lifestyle. My job is unpredictable and as of recent years, has been incredibly unstable, so I have unwittingly - in the last year - become financially dependent on him (which I hate). This isn’t why I got with him - to be very clear - this is because my industry is really screwed at the minute and I’m not sure if it will pick up. It has always had its peaks and troughs but the troughs of the last few years have been unprecedented and scuppered everyone.
Because of that (and what I was wanting to do anyway), I want to change careers, which will be yet another financial hit - one I can’t really take but I can’t bear the thought of staying in this career any longer. I also want to leave this very expensive city I live in with him (I never want to be in a position again where I’m financially dependent on ANYONE), however, I have to remain here for work for the time being, whether I like it or not.
If money was no object, I would leave this city, buy a place in another city I want to live in (which is by far cheaper) and take short term lets if I had to come back to this city for work.
But…he’s an amazing partner and I really don’t think I could do better than him (he got me at the end of a horrific breakup - every single guy before him was awful and cheated and I have zero confidence because of it). The thought of leaving him honest to god makes me want to be sick. I hate the thought of it. I can’t.
But…SHOULD I GO? Has anyone been in this scenario and could anyone please please share their insights? Has anyone walked out of a long term relationship with a great guy that they were (accidentally or on purpose) financially dependent on and lived to tell the tale?
Is 35 too old to do this?