What Paloma Faith said about foreplay

[livvyx]

She was on a podcast and just said (to cut it short) foreplay starts with how you speak to your partner and how you treat them throughout the day

I think it’s a valid point and it clears some things up for me. Since having my 2nd child me and DH have struggled massively. I’ve wondered have I lost attraction for him we haven’t had sex in a bit

but

He works full time, moans about it how tired he is etc. sometimes thinks the days I’m not in work (and have the kids alone, I’m part time) that those are just days off and I should be able to do any errand etc - bit inconsiderate. And he’s a bit inconsiderate overall tbh since my 2nd child so I feel like at the end of the day when both are in bed and I have a shred of energy, I don’t think he deserves it for being a selfish prick all day!!

If he offered to help out with some housework or just made me feel nice with a little chat it would go a long way and I’d probably be in the mood more

I think Paloma’s right with what she said tbh! What do you think

Yes it's very important, I agree wholeheartedly.

Totally agree. Someone acting like a thoughtless bell all day doesn’t make me want to rock their world.

Very true.

I tried explaining this to my ex once. Along the lines if I met you for the first time and you spoke to me / treated me like this I wouldn’t want to sleep with you. He just didn’t get it 🙄so we split. He’s still single.

I absolutely agree with you. I don't know how anyone can think that if they moan all day and evening someone will want to have sex with them that night.

I think it varies a lot , my fiance openly told me if we are not ok it affects his libido , me on the other hand will feel horny even if we are not talking to each other and would be perfectly fine to have sex and not speak with him the following day .

I think that's mostly right, somebody treating me nicely is definitely more attractive. But you've made it sound a bit like you're consciously denying sex as a punishment. Maybe that wasn't what you meant?

100% My DH was walking in front of me and he casually pushed a wheelie bin out of the way as he knew I wouldn't get past with the buggy and I was so turned on by him in that moment lol

That's not how I read it. If OP wanted sex and was not indulging to get back at her DH, you'd have a point.

Sulky idle shitty men make my fanny clamp shut and dry out like the sahara.

She’s a very insightful woman.

Foreplay starts with " I appreciate everything you've done for me" ....

You are 100% right for about 95% of women I know. The odd few are just horny and will accept any old shite treatment and still want sex. Nothing wrong with that however the majority of women and by that I mean the vast majority absolutely need to be treated well to feel up for sex in long term relationships.
My pretty much 90% of the time great husband is still a bit of a bugger for being slightly less cuddly while I'm on my period and definitely not up for sex. He claims this isn't deliberate and he may not subconsciously realise he is like this but over 25 years it has definitely been a thing.
To be fair on him he is equally involved in the housework and childcare as I am but if he wasn't it is highly unlikely I would want to have sex with him.
On a purely biological front it makes sense that women find this a massive turn off, because why would we want to have sex and potentially procreate with somebody that is shit at looking after our children and us?
Personally I would go for counselling at this stage because otherwise it just turns into a heated argument.

They need to make more romcoms about real-life middle-aged romance.

What about the attraction of a man pushing the buggy?

Absolutely bang on!

I didn’t hear this but it absolutely resonates with me and my partner at the moment. We’re in counselling after being in the trenches with newborns, toddlers and Covid.

After some counselling, this message is (very) slowly beginning to drop for him. In our case it’s not necessarily about him pulling his weight, although there is nothing sexier than a man folding washing 🤣. It’s more about reading the room, cuddles, flirting and seeing where it might lead.

I think for most men being ready for sex can be an instantaneous thing, most women it’s a slow build.

If your relationship is healthy I don’t think it’s that relevant. You should generally be nice to each other.

Absolutely!

@Delphiniumandlupins that's just one of those everyday things that he does so guess I don't notice as much? It honestly was the hottest thing ever! He just stopped, put down the bags of shopping and just casually pushed the bin in, picked up the bags and walked on all the while chatting to our 5 yr old daughter. I felt very loved in that moment, very grateful and VERY attracted to him!

I’m not withholding as a punishment - I’m just literally not in the mood at all and are we shocked when I’ve got a bit of a manchild I live with

since I seen this clip of what she said I’ve been debating having a chat with him. Even after bedtime (I put both kids to bed as he finished up some work) I do the dishes, get their clothes ready for nursery, put a wash on and put washing away. He read his book - that’s it. Not an ounce of housework

and I get he wants to relax but if I did that all the time we wouldn’t have clean dishes or clean clothes etc

My sex drive is 0

Have you considered that your sex life would be much better if you divorced him and bought a decent selection of sex toys?

Definitely no harm in having a chat about what turns you both on, and what doesn't. It's an easy way for your DH to become more attractive.

100% agree. My ex used to massively piss me off with his entitled view that because he fancied me physically that I should feel the same way and just be up for it. He wouldn't understand what PF is saying 🙄Though that was something I kept trying to 'teach' him. Didn't work. Arse. 🙄

So true.
Foreplay starts from the last time you finished having sex. Very few men 'get' it.