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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

for those who always think of leaving but dont ....

11 replies

sussanna · 29/01/2025 18:19

Hi, I posted a thread in december , but put down long essay and verse on my 20 year old marriage and missed the point of what i wanted to ask at the end, or diluted it at the least.

I know there are lots of mners out there who think very often of leaving for what they know are very valid reasons - but are worried about effect on DC.

about ten days ago, we had another bad argument and I was in leave mode and my 15 year old DC made it absolutely clear he didnt want us to separate. he wants a 'normal' family not a divorced one - likes both his parents despite the flaws he sees in both and the marriage - as a teen, I also see increasingly, he doesnt want the stability of the big house, private education , social events etc to change. I backed down and went back to 'normal' as i dont want Gcses / A levels affected.....

surely there must be many more in the same boat ?

OP posts:

livelovelough24 · 29/01/2025 20:44

Hello OP, yes, I was in that boat for over a decade before I decided to leave. We were together almost 25 years. I understand both you and your son, but ultimately, it is your relationship and your life. Kids will grow up and leave and you will be stuck with the person you dislike/hate/resent. My breaking point was turning 50. I looked my self in the mirror and asked: "Do you see yourself spending another 25 years with this man?" That was it. Never looked back. It has been 4 years since we separated and two since we divorced. Never once did I regret my decision. Was it heard, most definitely, was it worth it, hell yes!

Good luck OP! I wish you to be happy, healthy and free.

Mmhmmn · 29/01/2025 21:00

Your DC could equally have empathised with you and said he understands that you're not happy with his dad. Does he have any inkling of how unhappy you are? Either way, you can't stay for his sake - like pp have said, DC grow up and leave home, and you're still there with someone you haven't wanted to be with for years. No, he doesn't want his parents to separate, but life isn't straightforward. I'm sure you'll part in as smooth a way as possible for their benefit. And he won't have to witness the arguing any more. It's not a bad example to set, you know, not staying in a relationship that has gone bad and makes you miserable. He has his whole life in front of him - you need to make the most of what you have.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 29/01/2025 21:05

Another one who agrees that you deserve to be happy, and the 15 year old will adapt. He is old enough now to be learning that while you will always make sure his needs are taken care of, he can’t make decisions about other people’s lives.

magneticpeasant · 29/01/2025 21:08

He is the child in this situation. I don't think you should be making it his responsibility or decision.

When he's old enough to understand the implications of you staying in a dysfunctional situation because of him, how do you think he'll feel then?

I think delegating difficult decisions to a child is grossly inappropriate.

treebirdy · 30/01/2025 00:02

This is almost exactly the situation I am in. It's so difficult. The problem is that I am already in my mid 50s with a 15 year old. I don't have that long left in terms of useful years.

My partner is quite a manipulative person and has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me in the past. I'm still trying to leave but can't square breaking apart the family

Raynexxbow · 30/01/2025 00:41

The saddest part of this is that there is a 15 year old trying to fight for their bickering parents to stay together. What sort of sadist are you?

JennyTals · 30/01/2025 00:42

It’s not your kids business to influence
this so also your life op

username299 · 30/01/2025 01:14

Children want their parents to stick together because they love their parents and can't stand the thought of one leaving.

They don't have the maturity or experience to understand how a relationship can not only be unhappy but can be detrimental to them. Children are even upset when an abuser is kicked out.

You need to be the adult here and stop leaning on your 15 year old to make your decisions.

Original poster

sussanna · 30/01/2025 18:27

thanks everyone who responded - wise and plenty of food for thought.....thank you

OP posts:

HelpMeGetThrough · 30/01/2025 18:33

Your DC could equally have empathised with you and said he understands that you're not happy with his dad.

That comes with life experience, which he doesn't have.

movinghouse12 · 30/01/2025 18:38

You're modelling that a bad relationship should be tolerated. Your DC is saying he thinks his happiness should come first, and you're agreeing. When he's 30 and got a child is he going to put himself first then, too? And when he's 40? He needs to think about other people. 15 is NOT too young for that. Look at what you are modelling to him...

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