Divorce - are there any upsides?

[Cheryllou]

My partner of 34 has broken my heart and wants to divorce. He has gradually become more and more distant and last night said he has been unhappy for two years. I HAD NO IDEA AS HE NEVER SAID ANYTHING. I knew we could do better but he wouldn’t talk to me and I didn’t want to be a nag and thought all marriages have their meh stage. I was keen to make things better but he doesn’t want to. I’m so scared about a divorce, losing my home (kids at uni), security for the future, jealous of the kids and him spending time without me, being lonely and that’s before you add this constant pain and anxiety and I miss him. Please tell me this gets better as I can’t face this … is there life after divorce?

Well. I held a celebration party after I got through my 28 year old marriage/divorce. 👍

But it does depend on circumstances.

There’s are literally millions of divorced women. Millions. They are not all sitting being miserable and terrified. They are living their lives and now you have this information, you should too.

First things first, see a lawyer. Find out what you’re financially entitled to. Half the marital assets at least.

Do you work? I’m not sure what age you are or if you’re employed. If you’re not pension aged and you don’t work, get a job. Or work towards one by upgrading your qualifications/skillset/experience.

It’s ok to be upset. You’ve been married a long time. However, it seems the marriage hasn’t been good for some time and if he doesn’t want to work on it, then you have to accept it’s over and look to how you move forward.

There’s a world of possibilities out there for you, it’s up to you to decide what you want to do. The benefits are that you don’t have to consider him in anything you want to do. From simple things like where you want to live, how you want to decorate your new home to where you go on holiday or when you come can come and go as you please without anyone to answer to. Enjoy your freedom. If you need counselling, get some. It will help you process and work through this in a healthy way.

Lawyer first though. This is essential.

It does op x

I do work part time; I’m 52 and also doing a marketing apprenticeship, which I’m about to fail as I can’t see upwards… seen a solicitor I just can’t get over this blow. I loved deeply, he didn’t and hid it until there was nothing left. I feel so cheated, like I never stood a chance.

There are lots of upsides but it is a major trauma and betrayal that will take time to recover from

Ah op, that all sounds like an awful and devastating shock. No wonder you can't see the wood for the trees.

I think firstly, speak to whoever is in charge of your apprenticeship and explain your situation and see if they can give you some compassionate leave.

Can you do some digging- for him to land this on you out of the blue with no interest in working on it would make me question his motivation to be honest - is it possible he's been looking elsewhere? Check bank statements/ phone records/ everything you can for signs of foul play. If he's been unfaithful and you can find evidence of it then he will pay the fees for your divorce. I'd also look into legal aid entitlement. I called citizens advice and they were able to give me a complete breakdown of everything I would be entitled to financially which was really helpful.

Get yourself a good solicitor and I'd be requesting that you stay in the family home for as long as possible until a financial agreement is in place and you can sell. Then use that money to get yourself something of your own.

I am 6 months post separation and its been brutal. I took 2 weeks off and then went back to work and tbh it was the best thing for me in terms of a distraction.

Seeing kids etc, you don't need to worry about right now - plus you don't know how they'll react to his decision. I would make sure you get yourself counselling and keep it church and state where your kids are concerned. They may be adults but hearing about their parents separation will still be painful so make sure you aren't putting them in the middle in any way.

Then I'd say fill your life with things and people you love. Invest in your friends, invest in your hobbies. I've signed myself up for lots of things I've always wanted to try and honestly, 6 months down the road I don't even miss my stbxh. Things aren't resolved yet but I'm really looking forward to eventually getting my own home which I've a fabulous Pinterest board for and I'm happy enough. In a way I'm glad I'm rid of his grumpy attitude and tip toeing around him which I now know was affair guilt misdirected at me.

He may have been cheating and hence there is nothing you could do. The important thing is to move quickly. He is ahead of you and you need to protect yourself. He may have been your husband, but you now have an adversarial relationship. Don’t assume he has your interests at heart. that was the hardest part of divorce for me. a few years on and i am much much happier.

I would said there is a lot of positive and you are still young to enjoy things and work. You need to start thinking about you. That apprenticeship will help you so do not quit it. It is good that your kids are university so they will be less affected by divorce. Once you know what you are entitled to go for it and rebuild a wonderful new life post divorce.

it sounds as though it ran its course and that his head was turned elsewhere. That’s HIS shit, not yours.

I split from my ex at 49, met a delicious new chap at 51 and now at 54 am happier than I’ve ever been. My ex is somebody that I used to know. Daily I’m so relieved that it happened.

“Grow old and see, the rest is yet to be.”

How do you move past this awful feeling of loss?

See it for what it is. The end of something and the opportunity for the rest of your life to be entirely as you please.

I had CBT which helped too. But I suppose it’s different cos I loathed my ex by then.

You get through one day at a time

Go through the motions - get to work, eat - auto pilot

Work out what you need to do - finances and such and just so them - first thing Saturday morning for example

Look after yourself like you are a person who has been very ill and needs lots of TLC. Try to eat well and get exercise

You won't get better quickly - it's very hurtful what has happened to you; but you will get there. So let yourself be sad and grieve, cuddle yourself in blankets and hot milk

Find friend or family or acquaintances IRL - tell them - some will turn out fabulous

I divorced at 45, it's really quite common as your children get towards adulthood (my ex announced he wanted out 4 days after youngest turned 18).

I good news is I've now found a much better husband! I remarried 5.5 years after splitting with exh

Hi OP - last time I checked, the statistics said that in old age, men live longer on average when with a partner, but women live longer on average if alone. Tells you all you need to know about how relationships still work....

I know that it feels like the end of the world right now, but it really is not. Like some other posters have said, it is the end of one life and the beginning of another, and this new life can be beautiful and fulfilling, it all depends on you.

I know that the emotions seem to be overwhelming right now, but you will get through this. Instead of wallowing in grief, think of what you can do to help you feel better. Spend time with your family and friends, go for walks, do yoga, meditate, pray, have therapy, if that is available to you, have some good food, treat yourself to nice things you always enjoyed. Best of all, focus on practicalities. Get a lawyer, talk to financial advisor, collect as much information about your finances as you can. What you should not be doing is spending time wondering what happened and why. All you need to know that it is over and that you need to move on, the sooner the better.

Best of luck!