Do I go NC with my brother over this?

[Curlycrocodile]

My brother is not a nice person.
He can be verbally abusive, he's up his own arse, makes sarcastic, derogatory remarks and is definitely a narcissist. Aside from all of this our kids love each other. I do keep a distance however and don't have to see him too regularly.

I then discovered this week that he has stolen money from our father over a long period of time. Not a huge amount but in the mid hundreds. He has lied to our dad that it has all been a big mistake and dad has believed him. But my mother already knew about the money being taken before my dad found out. My brother accidentally let slip to her that he was using my dad's credit card to buy things. DM and DF are divorced. Mum assumed it was all a big joke at the time, my brother has a weird sense of humour, hence her not saying anything until recently when my dad happened to mention at a family gathering that someone had been using his credit card through uber and other sites. My mum immediately told him what my brother had said as we were all stood together. My brother was elsewhere at the time.

After mum urged him to tell the truth my brother has now admitted it but has made out it's all a big accident and he "used the wrong card details" which my mum now knows for definite is a big lie. He is also saying that my mum is lying about what he told her about using dad's card in the first place. My dad just seems to want to believe him despite what my mum told him at the family gathering and despite my brother withholding this information even after dad had told him his credit card had been used.

I have also discovered that my brother has been to our grandmother to ask for £1000 towards basic living costs saying he couldn't afford to get work done on his car. However, he then went and booked a holiday abroad.

I can't afford a holiday abroad this year and just accept it. I don't go asking for money.

These issues obviously have nothing to do with me, but I don't and can't condone his actions either. I just have no time for him and I'm finding it more difficult to be around him. But I feel torn due to the childrens relationships and my relationship with his kids. If I try to speak to him about the issues, he will undoubtedly become abusive. I don't want to put myself in his firing line, but also don't see why I should pussy foot around not saying anything for fear of his nasty eruptions. He's said some nasty things to my mum, all for telling him to speak up and tell the truth to my dad. My brother is in his late thirties but often acts like a spoilt teenager and accepts zero accountability.

I know it doesn't directly affect me but I think his behaviour is atrocious.
What would you do?
How do I continue any sort of relationship with him?

I would be reporting him for theft personally, but then I have no time for people like that.

I had to do this in the end. The reason I had tolerated alot all these years was so my child could keep the close relationship he has with his cousins.

I accepted that I could not change this and accept feeling like an emotional abuse victim at his hands. The children don't really see each other anymore outside Christmas. I'm ok with this over time. It's been a year.

I feel peace and freedom from being at the mercy of someone because you are scared of what will happen. Just accept the possible loss of relationship with the kids. Your brother sounds dangerous to your well being.

He also sounds like he has something else going on here. Is he diagnosed with anything. Drug or alcohol addiction? He does not sound like everything is rosy in his head.

That's good that you feel better @Tittat50 . It's a hard call to make. I went NC a few years ago because of his verbal abuse towards me and then after he apologised I agreed to reconcile for the children. I'm mainly just civil but I find it very difficult and he's getting more and more confident with his ridiculous remarks.

Life is far from rosy for him. He was accustomed to a certain level of wealth with his ex wife and his current partner earns a lot less so he isn't coping well with the reduction of income I don't think. So he deems himself entitled to other peoples money.

I don't even know how to go about this. It might be easier to just ghost him!

Oh wow this is scarily familiar. Very similar situation here.

i did report to the police as the amounts really started adding up, so the NC will be enforced as they’ll never speak to me again.

I do keep having moments where I think I’ve done the wrong thing- the police have said it may be very hard to prosecute and could be dragged out. I’ve very much a non confrontational peacekeeper so it’s very hard.

You're braver than me for reporting it @Whycanineverthinkofone . I'm so angry for him as he already claimed the money back from the credit card company before he told us about it. However my brother already knew and just let him claim it back, knowing it was him that took it!
I'm concerned about my dad getting in trouble for potential fraud should I report it

@Curlycrocodile I got a beautiful Christmas card from my brother. It really did touch me. But I knew it meant nothing. Because I had accepted he is incapable of change. I accept now he is part of a narcissist family system and he has become one. That's a personality type that is set in stone. It took years of therapy and suffering to understand and see. He sounds exactly like someone who is unable to change now. His personality is set in stone unless he has an addiction problem causing this. Is it possible he has something else? Maybe. The point is accepting he will always always abuse you. So you have a few choices, mainly you cut him right off or you go lowest contact imaginable. That will mean the kids will be impacted somehow. It's inevitable. You can't see them regularly without him.
Or, you carry on as you are.

I've made it sound simple. It is not simple I know. Your choices are as simple as this though.

It's easier to pull away by just not answering him or any messages or calls. You can contact after a while and say ' things are hectic at the moment, I am not really available to chat'. If he's being abusive, my brother was, I just didn't message him anymore. That stopped. It upsets me still knowing he'll never see it was him. And it was him. I am a highly forgiving empathetic loving person. You don't ever do this NC stuff without years of being broken by people that should have treated someone so caring better.

That's all there is to it.