Should I be concerned about the past?

[Notalwaysshy]

I have been in a relationship with DP for 18 months and feel very settled and happy in this relationship until recent weeks. We are both in 40s and have previous marriages and children from those marriages (just setting scene).

DP was in relationship before ours for a few years, he had been open and told me that he had met the woman at work whilst he was married but that as soon as his head had been turned he knew that meant curtains for his marriage (and they’d had been struggling to get along for a long time and had tried counselling etc). He didn't mention that that there had been an affair. I’ve recently been told that the woman he ended up with after his Marriage ended was actually married and she was having an affair to be with him. We’ve spoken about his past (and mine) openly and he’s never mentioned anything about it being an affair, he said he had approached her first, that he told her he had feelings for her (whilst he was still married and not yet separated)
Is it a red flag that he pursued a married woman and has never told me the bit about it being an affair on her part (she had young kids at the time too, probably irrelevant)
this new info has started to make me doubt other things he has said and I’m not enjoying this feeling as I’ve always felt I totally trusted him.
the things that are bothering me are :

1. the timeline of his relationship doesn’t make sense. He said when we first met that he had a 6 year relationship before. And also says he wasn’t with her for a year or so after his marriage ended in 2016. He said they were together over a year before she moved in (2019) and they split in summer 22. But thinking about jt now the timeline doesn’t make any sense (I had never analysed it before now)
2. his dad loves a gossip. He previously had also said to me that the previous woman had been cheated on by her husband, and he made a point of saying they got together after she had left him. (He wasn’t keen on her at all so I don’t think he would tell fibs about it to cover for DP) so did he also not tell any of his family the truth about it all? His dad certainly doesn’t know he approached the woman when he was still in his marriage and has made a point of telling me how fiercely loyal his son is.

I don’t know if I’m overthinking or if my subconscious is warning me that things don’t add up. I’m trying hard not to judge on his past and to live in the present but this niggle is getting to me. Does it even matter what happened in his past? I think maybe it’s the lack of honesty about it all that’s an issue for me but how can I process this and move on?

thank you if you made it to the end of this post!!

I wouldn’t trust a person who had an affair, whether it was being unfaithful to their own partner or if the other person was married. Especially when there’s kids involved. It says to me that the person puts their own wants and desires above what is morally correct and without care for the potential damage to the innocent children involved. It could really mess up their lives in a situation like this. Many will have a different view but that’s mine. People are who they are. They don’t tend to change without actively working to change themselves. I wouldn’t trust this man not to betray me as he has from for it. And if he’s had an affair, he’s a liar and a leopard never changes its spots.

Thank you for your reply to my long post!

I think this is what I fear most. I am conflicted because without this new piece of information I was feeling so settled and trusting and safe in the relationship. That’s why I am wondering if circumstances at the time dictated the course of events and if he is so settled and happy now there could be no reason for his head to be turned.

I had an affair once. I've turned down countless since (because I'm so desirable - no, because I wasn't counting) even as a single woman. If he's married or living with someone, that's a 'No'. So having had an affair doesn't mean a person will always do it again. But based on my own experience, I'd say most men are completely untrustworthy and almost all of them will take any opportunities they can find.

If he had an affair the timeline will be skewed and inaccurate as he’s that used to lying about it, it sounds like some half truths have come out and he was actually in a long term affair.

People who can do that just get used to lying as it becomes part of life when they’re lying for several years.

Red flag. He has been economical / been vague lied with the truth about the circumstances and the woman at work. Sadly people who have acted like this in the past find it easy to do it again and it will only be a matter of time before this behaviour comes to the fore again and you find yourself being the one left at home "because his head was turned".

oh god this sucks. 😔

I think this is what’s making me feel unsettled now. I have been looking for others reasons for being vague and maybe also he is very forgetful in general so maybe he’s just not good at being accurate with dates etc - not that I Grilled him on the timelines of his life events

He is telling you who he is, listen while you've got a chance to ask questions. Before you get too attached ask what you need to know. If he lies again (if you could not being open about having an affair as the first lie) I think you need to be aware that he hasn't learnt much from his actions and therefore likely to do it again. He should have been upfront when this first came up.

If he's had an affair and then tried to cover it up and lie about it you have two enormous red flags.

Sorry, but I'd feel unsafe with this man.

I do wonder if he thought that being honest about what happened in his marriage and only his side of the relationship was enough? I know from long chats that he has significant trauma from his past relationships.

Does he ever mention any work he has done to change the behaviors?
Does he hold himself accountable? And more than just I made some bad decisions. Has he reflected why he made those decisions. How he effected others? How is his empathy?

I counsel men with sex/ porn addiction many of whom have affairs. I'm not saying this is your partner at all addiction wise. But they lead double lives. They hide part of themselves. They manipulate their partners in a very abusive way to play God and decide for their partners the reality they are going to live. They determine which information or version or truth they get. That is abusive. It's controlling.

This integrity,entitlement and change in mindset takes on average 3 to 5 years to change. Thats with men that want to change desperately. But find themselves lying about ridiculous things because it's all they have ever known. So someone unaware Is unlikely to even realise their potential abusive ways. Usually very charming know all the right things to say and easy to believe them. Usually because they themselves believe they are the 'nice' guy shielding you from the truth because it's for YOUR best interest, in their head.

So true intimacy and connection is never possible with these people. They always have to be in control one up never on the same page because they want to decide what you know and don't know. Even down to did they really take the bins out or not when they said they did.
They spend their life hiding and everything is on their terms.

If I was you I'd emotionally distance and just observe him. There will be other signs. But if things don't feel right and don't add up. It's because they don't. Trust your gut.

This really resonated with me and I've bookmarked it. Thank you. All of my exes have had addictions and this is exactly the issue - you are like a puppet living a lie. The gaslighting is immense and coming out of it makes you feel very much like nothing can be trusted. I suspect it is more common than we realise and having been single for many years I am now seeing my female friends divorcing men who have been doing the same for years. A lot of men really struggle with vulnerability and having real emotional connections.

We have talked at length about counselling he has had after the breakdown of his marriage and also to get over his ex (the woman from work) he says he carries a lot of guilt for having been the one to end his marriage, he feels a lot of guilt around the experience of his children, who have no idea there was an affair involved and I don’t think his ex knows there was an affair…. But can’t be 100% sure (woman moved in with her two kids, in his fathers words trying to make a nuclear family but it didn’t work for them and she stayed about two years but then moved out)

He appears to be emotionally available and we have both been able to share about our past but also have both done work on ourselves through counselling etc. and I get a good sense that he is aware of his ‘flaws’ and willing to work on them and growth seems important to him. I am at his home roughly 50% of the time and he has from the very start been very trusting of me and not seemed to have anything to hide. He is consistent and never leaves me guessing.

There Seems to be a lot of good and I’m scared I could ruin a good relationship by worrying myself about something he did 8 years ago.

His past relationships needn't have been any of your business, but he made them your business by telling you (whether or not you asked or he simply volunteered). My ex's timeline around his previous relationship and when/how it ended kept changing. I knew he must be lying, but I tried telling myself that the past was the past, he wasn't with her now and so it didn't matter. Except it did and although I didn't bring up the inconsistencies it was something I could never fully forget.

Maybe he just has a bad memory?! Bring the topic up with him so you can get it all straight in your mind. If he can't provide a cohesive story or can't explain why it's all over the place, then I think you have to decide how much his past matters to you and whether you are able to let it go.

The guilt is because he has still not been honest, in my opinion. With the ex and kids I mean, about the affair. I don't like that because it suggests that he has left on a lie and the family will be confused and not at peace with why - all to save face. Keeping the door back open, even very slightly, just so he doesn't have to explain his own actions. If he can lie to them and keep it going for years he hasn't really changed.

Oh and in response to your questions, I get the impression he cares deeply about others, he shows a lot of empathy towards his ex wife and they have a decent co-parenting relationship. He has been able to explain to me how he felt in his marriage and the problems they faced whilst also accepting some responsibility for the breakdown of his marriage, and he definitely made a point of telling me on our first date that he had been the guy who told another woman how he felt said he didn’t act upon it until he was separated (which I’m hoping wasn’t a lie!!)

OK. This makes sense to me. I’ve wondered why carry so much guilt over the breakdown of his marriage. The story was that they were not right for one another and both agreed through a period of trying to fix it and through counselling that they were not right for one another. His dad deffo has mentioned this to me too, they they were not a good match. All this is entirely feasible as being true but the guilt he carries doesn’t seem proportionate. To explain the guilt, it’s guilt around the children having to live between two homes and the stress it sometimes causes them now they’re older and having to be responsible for having all the study stuff in the right place for example. He does a hard job and around that does a lot of running about after his two kids even when they’re with their Mum.

No, he now thinks that you will tolerate anything he tells you. That's why he didn't tell you before because he wasn't sure.

I imagine he's caused as much trauma as he gave, to be honest.

Like @NordicwithTeen this has really resonated with me, as has the OPs post. I'm in a similar situation with a man I've been dating for just over a year. He cheated on his wife (long before we met) and then in turn was in a "casual relationship" with a woman who has been in a long term relationship with another man.

It makes me question his integrity hugely. Occasionally I get answers but often he doesn't like to open up about things and I am struggling hugely with trusting him, he knows this and I can see effort on his part to build trust but there's a part of me that questions whether someone with this moral integrity and propensity to lie can ever really change? When we were first dating I caught him out on a number of lies, which he knows and he has assured me it's honesty from here on out... but I just don't believe it.

He's said before he wants to have therapy but has never done this, and I don't feel that me pushing him to do this is the right thing to do, so I haven't.

Can people like this ever truly change?

So you had affair once, but u had the nerve to call most men untrustworthy, what a cheek.

Not at all. I report the results of my actions and observations. Men are untrustworthy. I'm not.

We can debate whether this man (whom none of us have met except OP) is trustworthy 'til the cows come home, but ultimately, OP is anxious because she doesn't have access to anyone who can validate his story so she can know for sure whether he is lying. There are people that have that info, and it's not his dad... but you better be ready for what you hear.

If you really want to understand your partner's past, truly, you could reach out to his ex-wife, or (less ideally) the affair partner, and ask for their version of the story (mentioning that you've noticed inconsistencies in partner's story and don't want to waste your time. Don't mention what the inconsistencies are though). They will either help you and fill in the gaps, or tell you to pound sand. But it gives you a 50/50 on actually getting the info you need and saving yourself a lot of time/potential heartache.

I'm sure many on here will think me "crazy" for suggesting it, but I wish I had done this when I was in OP's situation; the other women involved ended up being lovely, sympathetic and helpful, and I'd have saved myself 7 years of anxiety, frustration and pain. 🤷‍♀️

My husband had an affair with a married woman (he was single at the time). It has never made me doubt him, but he knew it was because he was emotionally drained from an engagement that didn't work out, and that he'd actually needed someone emotionally unavailable for a while. That wasn't the case when we met and he's never given me any reason to doubt him (been together 10 yrs, he's a fantastic dad and a great partner).
I don't think it's ideal behaviour but if he can understand why he did it, is honest about it and has worked past it, it isn't a deal breaker or even necessarily a red flag. I always think if it's not him cheating, then he's actually not betraying or lying to someone, obviously it's not a moral win but it's not like he's deceiving anyone who trusts him (which would be a big red flag).
Don't throw the baby out with the bath water, it sounds like he was in a bad place, had a tricky break up and maybe made a bad decision - if he's honest about that and he's moved forward then he'll not repeat it.

I had two affairs during my 29-year marriage. I tried very hard to improve my marriage, including suggesting and going to marital therapy. My (ex) husband remained cold and distant. Eventually, I divorced him. I don’t regret the affairs. I don’t feel guilty. I am remarried now. Together 17 years, married for 10. I could never been unfaithful to him. He is a good, loving man and betrayal wouldn’t be an option. You don’t know all the details of other people’s relationships. Make your decisions based on the relationship you have (unless there is a history of cruelty or violence).