Kissing someone else - Am I that bad?

[ThatBrightReader]

I’m sorry in advance, this will be a long post but I suffer many panic attacks regarding this situation, and I tend to make stories quite lengthy.

Going way back to 2019, I met my ( now ) partner in year 11, I would have been 17. Lots of flirting, hanging outside of school but keeping it secretive. This went on til 2020, now I’m 18. Again, lots of flirting, sleeping with eachother, etc. At this point, FwB, feelings definitely there. In 2020, my family broke up and was left with no one where I lived.

In 2021, I was fresh 18, going out with friends, partying, doing my thing, and ALWAYS would go and see him after - there was always just something about him.

In April 2021, I went on a trip to visit family, and at this point me and my now partner still weren’t official. We talked everyday etc, and friends would ask me what we were but I would try to avoid it. I remember faintly at this point I said to him we should make it official ( over text ), but I don’t really remember much more from that. We never had ‘ the chat ‘ in person, i think it was kind of all assumptions at this point.

In May 2021, my rental went up for sale and I had to find somewhere to live. My now partner offered me to live with him, and since I didn’t have anywhere else to go, I obliged. We did very couples things, we both really liked each other, but it was SUCH a grey period. It was nothing serious, few of my friends knew we were something, but again, nothing serious. I would go for dinners with his family, I mean heck, I lived with him now. Although I was still talking to others, as I was young and dumb and didn’t have anything better to do.

I turned 19 at this point, and a few weeks after my birthday, I remember my now partner was talking about some girl at his study class and I remember I got jealous, went out with friends, kissed a boy and felt horrible, and this is where I am having the constant panic attacks about it.

My now partner knew about this from the night it happened and he understood why, and from that night on we decided to take the relationship serious and make it fully official - and that brings us to today. Almost 4 years officially together, building a house, inlove etc.

I find that I have constant panic attacks about that incident of me going out when I was 19 for that last time. I feel guilty, and I just can’t shake the feeling. My partner says we weren’t really anything then, and it doesn’t matter , but my heart just feels so heavy on it.

I wouldn’t ever do something like that now, but I can’t shake the guilt I feel from it. I feel like a cheater, a horrible person for what I did at 19, I have constant panic attacks about it. My partner doesn’t think it was cheating since we never properly spoke in person about what we were, made boundaries etc, but I can’t stop thinking of the past, and how guilty I feel.

Am I silly for feeling like this, almost 4 years later. It keeps coming back to haunt me.

Thank you for reading - from an anxious girl.

It's an intrusive thought. CBT might help.

Dear lord. ic ould have written your post in four sentences.

But...

It was 4 years ago, you were a naïve 19 year old, barely an adult.

It was only a kiss.

Either tell him what happened , to remove the guilt you feel , or forget about it and move on with your life.

It’s not healthy to still be obsessing over this, especially as your partner seems to have happily got past it and doesn’t see an issue. You could probably benefit from talking to someone to try and unpick what’s going on here.

Appreciate your comment - he know’s all about it and hasn’t ever had a problem as he didn’t think we were properly together at this time.
Looking to find a psych to debunk what’s happening deep down.

No you aren't a bad person.

It is perfectly normal when you're young to date different people and screw it up a bit. I had many relationships that began before the previous one was over, and had many grey areas, etc. Sometimes I felt hurt, sometimes the other person felt hurt, but it was all part of learning how people and relationships work.

That said, the incident you are talking about is clearly a complete non issue, so it sounds like your other issues are at play here.

You say your partner has always known about it and is fine, so what’s your panic about? I only ask, because I have dwelt on things from the past as ‘proof’ that I’m a bad person. I’m not and I promise you aren’t either. My self-esteem was just in the basement and I needed evidence to reinforce why. It was an unending circle of misery.

I agree with a PP that therapy might help. And I wish you well, these intrusive thoughts can be so difficult. But they do need to be addressed, otherwise we are at the mercy of our anxiety and that’s a really frightening and exhausting way to live.

I really really appreciate this comment - thank you.
I do mentally struggle with a lot of things due to a traumatising childhood, so I believe that may be causing my extreme thoughts.
I am looking for a psych to really dig deep and solve the deeper issues I have.

Thank you for your comment.
I struggle with anxiety that I am medicated for, and have a lot of unresolved trauma from when I was younger that I never prioritised seeing a psychologist with.
It’s a mental thing which is why I seem to overthink and dwell on things, which I know is an issue.

Your partner knows and has forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself. You have both acknowledged that you were not an 'official' couple at the time. I feel old, there was no such thing in my youth! I did my share of stupid things on nights out though. Doing something you regret in your teens is a rite of passage, as long as you learn from it. It was 5 years ago, nearly 1/4 of your life. Leave it in the past and forget about it.

I did a lot worse at your age, forgive yourself for mistakes you made as a teen, all that matters is you obviously have good morals now otherwise you wouldn't be worrying yourself, it was just a kiss not a long affair.

This sounds very familiar - you need to let it go, really.

Do you think you might have been resentful about his behaviour at the time, leading you to classify him (without consciously realising it) as someone with less intregrity and compassion than you, because he wasn't demonstrating he was as attached to you as you were to him? If that was the case, perhaps the idea of you being his moral equal really triggered you - i.e. it bothered you that you did something that would have led to him being classified as unkind in your mind, if he'd done it. I'm doing a lot of guessing here, so perhaps I'm totally wrong and have misread your summary, but we develop senses of superiority without even realising it all the time. 'He may be treating me badly, but at least I'm not stooping to his level', that kind of thing.

I'll add my voice to the chorus: you did absolutely nothing wrong!

I have so much empathy and sympathy for you. But the fact you’re recognising it as an issue is a huge step. Childhood trauma affects us in so many ways, and you are brave to acknowledge it. I hope you get the support you need and you’re able to treat yourself with kindness. You deserve kindness, and I promise one much-regretted kiss in your teenage years doesn’t make you a bad person in the slightest.

Good luck. Things can get better. I am living proof. You’ll get there.

Your partner understood and doesn’t hold it against you. You aren’t in danger from this kiss having any impact on your life now.

If anything, it prompted you and your partner to face your feelings for each other and enter into the relationship you have now. So something good came out of it.

Please stop dragging this around with you. If you can’t let it go, perhaps you could speak to your GP or phone Mind to discuss therapy. They offer free sessions.

Thank you.. Your comment has definitely helped me.
I have been showing myself no self love as I look in the mirror and just think I’m a cheater.. But I just remember that time was so confusing, we didn’t really know what we were, it was such a confusing time. It guts me to think I could be a cheater as since we made it serious that night, I have been the most amazing girlfriend to him.
Do we think that I’m a cheater? My friends try to tell me that since we were both confused, young, never really spoke about what we were that I wasn’t… But i don’t know, the guilt is heavy.

Thank you, I appreciate this comment.
It definitely shows a mental health issue if i’m worried about a kiss that meant nothing, and was when it was my teenage years… It was also such a confusing time, we didn’t really know what we were..

I think I panic just as I need to prove that I am a bad person and that I am a cheater.. as I can’t prove myself otherwise. I try to let myself off as i was young, dumb, didn’t really know what we were… but i don’t know.

I kissed someone 12 years into my 20 year marriage. I got drunk on a work night out and lost my senses. I told my husband the next day. He was extremely angry but forgave me quickly. We've never mentioned it since, but I've put measures in place to make sure it never happens again - for instance, if I go to a work event with a free bar, I have 1 drink only and leave after an hour.

What I'm saying is, shit happens. You're not 'a cheater' for one small mistake. I'm certainly not. I'm regretful, but the level of fear and anxiety you have over this is way out of proportion. Like another poster suggested, you might want to explore CBT.

As an anxious person myself, I've often wondered how people have entire extra-marital affairs without losing sleep at night. I'd be climbing the walls with anxiety and unable to eat!