Not included in his childrens events

[Singlemumtoboys]

Hello,

Hoping for a little advice even if it's to say I'm being unreasonable

I have been with my partner for 3 years, he has 2 children and I get on well with them both and he gets on with my 2 children also. We are talking about moving in together in the summer/ end of the year. We are happy together and I love him.

I never seem to be involved in events, both of his kids have had school proms I wasn't invited, birthdays I'm not included. This week his daughter turned 18 and he and his parents took her for a meal, it wasn't even suggested that I attend. It's really starting to make me feel left out, I have raised it before and he said there was no malice in it he just didn't think to include me, but I know if I raise it again he won't take it well.

I'm just not feeling part of his world when I'm not included, I invite him to all the things I have with my family and he comes sometimes, I don't see how we can move in together if he doesn't see me as part of his family still. He also doesn't want to get our 4 kids involved and I have said this needs to happen before we. Can consider moving them in together - I understand they are at a difficult age ( mine are 13 and 15 his are 16 and 18) but it's a real stumbling block for me and if I try and talk to him he thinks I'm nagging

Any thoughts?

He is being very unreasonable to exclude you and it's no surprise that you don't feel part of his world as you're not! I would certainly not be considering moving in together until he starts to get you involved. His excuse of not thinking to include you is rubbish and it's obviously deliberate. He is not considering your feelings at all. What's worrying is that you say he won't take it well if you raise it again and will accuse you of nagging. This is not a good indicator of harmony in the future. I would definitely be putting the brakes on.

Are you close to his children? At 18 I would want to celebrate with close family at a meal, not my parents girlfriend!

Don't move in together until this is resolved, tell him why

Don't move in with him. Continue to date, see how things go, but living together won't work. I tried it with 4 teens between us, it was disastrous and we had all the hassle of having to separate after 2 years and find somewhere else to live.

How are you going to move in together if you are excluded from family events ? I mean, I can sort of see how an 18 year old might not want you there if you're still a sort of part time girlfriend, don't live with them etc, for a big birthday. But once you move in, then it would be a bit odd to exclude you? What woudl happen? He'd head off on a saturday night with a friendly wave and say, "see you later, off to take DC for dinner to celebrate their engagement?" or, on your DC's birthday, he pops his head round the door, says, "happy birthday" and heads out to the pub?

Bit odd I'd say.

I see no reason to integrate the children, but obviously you can't move in together whilst this is the case and the children are still living in your homes.

I'd just carry on dating him.

He doesn't want to blend and I suspect he doesn't really want to move in together, even though he may be making noises to the contrary.

He's put you in the 'see how it goes' category as he's not sure about the relationship long term.

Harsh but true. Don't try to tie yourself up in knots looking for a softer explanation, just look at his actions.

Would the 18yo had wanted you included? It seems like an odd event for dad’s girlfriend to show up.

Why would you go to their proms? Do parents go to proms now, i would have hated that.

Agree. I certainly wouldn’t want my others new partners at a family occasion like a birthday meal or prom.

And I wouldn’t want to intrude as a new partner on what I would see as something for immediate family

I wasn't involved in my own child's prom beyond buying the outfit and dropping them off.

If you don't have a relationship with his daughter yet then her birthday isn't necessarily the best place to start - low key dinner/cinema etc would probably be better.

In your shoes I’d wait until the youngest child is 18 before moving in together. It’s a difficult age with exams etc to try and blend families

I agree with previous posters that you should continue dating but definitely not try to blend families at the moment. Even if he was including you in everything trying to blend families with 4 teenagers sounds horrendous!
What is your relationship like with his kids? Are you close? As an 18 year old I would have much preferred dinner with my close family not Dad's girlfriend. Perhaps if you start to build a relationship with his kids they will want to see you and it will happen more organically - but, for now, no moving in together.

Perhaps his ex doesn't want you at significant events such as 18th birthdays and school proms. Or perhaps this is his dd's preference.

I would not be impressed if my ex brought his new woman to our ds' birthday given that she had no involvement in raising ds. That would be making it all about them, rather than with the child.

But you certainly can't move in together until the four dcs have spent plenty of time together and seeing how they get on. In fact it sounds like the whole relationship is still in the 'see how it goes' category.

He might be planning to move in with you once his two have headed off to university. Given their ages, I can't see anything happening any sooner.

I don’t think I’d ever get my hopes up of the teenaged DC having any sort of relationship but they don’t need to for you to have a good relationship with DP. I wouldn’t suggest trying to play happy families at this late stage in the game, blending families especially with teens doesn’t usually go down too easily and there is no real reason to try and make them into one now when they’re already almost grown up.

Surely it's up to the kids to invite you, not your OH?

I merged families and the kids ranged from 11 to 18. To be honest, it went really smoothly but to be honest, we made a point of letting the kids dictate how things happened and when. Now, I've done the 18ths, 21sts, proms of my step kids and I'm absolutely included in events

In a lot of blended families there will always be someone feeling excluded from something - dinners, holidays, Christmas, extended family gift giving.

I think it’s good you feel this way now so you and DP can channel those feelings into how you set up your blended family.

Not sure if you are still together @Singlemumtoboys

Sadly, I was in this situation for years. Everything done with ex wife and adult children and I was never included. It rumbled on for years, never changed. Then I realised it was the same with his previous girlfriend.

I'd get out of the relationship while you can if it upsets you. Unlikely to change.