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Original poster

Sister and lifts

26 replies

maizielou111 · 28/01/2025 09:36

My sister doesn’t have a car. My parents live approx 70 miles from the town where we both live. She expects to jump in and get a lift and/or her partner either there on back (or both ways) every time we are both going to see my parents.

No petrol money is offered. I feel it is impossible to say no but her company is also exhausting. Can anyone suggest a polite (or humorous?) way to request a set contribution towards the lifts per journey? Or is this unacceptable? She is saving approx £30 each time.

We have also fallen out in recent years. The lift situation has been like this for over a decade.

I have a child and husband, she just has husband with no dependents.

She often wants to specify when journeys will take place or join at short notice (she has controlling, narcissistic tendencies). I have managed to put a stop to this at times but the behaviour re-emerges, and the relationship has to be managed if that makes sense.

Thanks for reading and for your advice! :)

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 28/01/2025 09:48

"Unless you're going to chip in with petrol money lifts are going to have to stop."

There you go.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 28/01/2025 09:56

Don’t tell her when you are going

If she wants to stipulate when you go you use the MN favourite… that doesn’t work for me … and add I will see you there

If you have fallen out you don’t owe her lefts or explanations.

Hyperquiet · 28/01/2025 10:08

She shouldn't be able to specify when journeys take place but for your sister to join at short notice when you're going anyway shouldn't be an issue unless you can't be around her in the car for that long. Then the Financial contribution you want makes no difference - as the issue is different and you don't want to take her regardless.

To make things even easier say she has to come to your house and you won't pick her up.

How often do you both visit your parents?

speedling · 28/01/2025 12:04

I can't imagine charging my sister petrol money for a journey that I was going to do anyway (regardless of how fractious our relationship is)

I would, however, be putting my foot down regarding timings etc. "no, we are going at 11am, if it doesn't work for you then make your own way there"

Comet33 · 28/01/2025 12:08

"Yes of course you can join us. You need to buy a ticket, tickets are priced at xp per mile."

Print off a humorous ticket

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 28/01/2025 12:10

Tell her you have plans before /after dm's so unfortunately she will have it make her own way there.. Yanbu if she is a fully functioning adult...

Lickityspit · 31/01/2025 17:47

If you are going anyway I don’t see the issue. I’d never charge my sister for a lift and I run her to and from our local airport a lot (she travels for work I don’t just randomly drive her there 😂)

Kevinisnotacatname · 31/01/2025 17:58

To my mind it isn't 'charging your sister for a lift' rather than simply sharing costs. Why should she always get free travel and you have to pay? That's just not fair.

Tell her how much the journey costs in fuel and ask for 50%, she's still getting a good deal because you're the one who's got to pay to run a car.

As for finding her company trying I would on occasions find a reason why you can't take her there and back - as people have suggested having to do a detour for example

Lurkingonmn · 31/01/2025 18:03

No. You can just say, "No." - or "that doesn't work for us" or "we are leaving then" or you could make plans enroute that you don't want to involve her in.

This sounds less about the money- although no offer any time is a bit cheeky- and more about her company both ways and during your visit.

You do not have to tell her, take her, acquiesce to her demands.

Your relationship isn't great. Do you want it to be or see it changing? If not, just call a spade a spade. You don't get on, you are fed up of always having to accommodate her and her taking the piss. You don't want to spend time with her and her forcing herself on you is draining you and negative for you.

Hdjdb42 · 31/01/2025 18:11

I don't know. You're going there anyway, and it's your sister! I wouldn't ask for anything.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 31/01/2025 18:15

speedling · 28/01/2025 12:04

I can't imagine charging my sister petrol money for a journey that I was going to do anyway (regardless of how fractious our relationship is)

I would, however, be putting my foot down regarding timings etc. "no, we are going at 11am, if it doesn't work for you then make your own way there"

Me too. I’d say no to requests for extra visits or visits at a particular time, but tell her she can have a lift when I’m going. And I’d feel free to say I’m tired and don’t want to talk much on the way. I would not ask her for money.

Jellytotmum · 31/01/2025 18:16

I wouldn’t tell her when you’re going.

If you did tell her you were thinking of going and she tried to impose dates on you, just say those dates don’t work for you and that is the only time you can go.

If I were you, ask for a contribution towards fuel. Tell her that due to the cost of living prices increasing, she needs to contribute. Tough if she doesn’t like it, she can go on public transport instead. You are not a free taxi service.

Welshmonster · 31/01/2025 18:35

Regardless of going anyway, she should give money to pay for petrol as do you need to go and pick her up.

just say no. Don’t tell her when you are going but your parents may say. Do you get any time with just your parents by yourself?

just because you are related by blood doesn’t mean you have have contact.

MissMoan · 31/01/2025 18:42

'Sorry, no more freebie fares for you. But if you kindly contribute £x each trip, I'd be happy to help'

StormingNorman · 31/01/2025 18:44

I wouldn’t charge my sister to take her to the same place I was going. It doesn’t matter what it saves her; it’s about what it costs you extra. Which is basically nothing.

Outlookmainlyfair · 31/01/2025 18:48

agreed would be uncomfortable charging her petrol if I was going, but equally just say I was not going when I did not want to. Particularly odd of her if you have fallen out and she still expects you to be an unpaid, on call taxi.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 31/01/2025 19:00

I've actually gone nc with my sibling over similar. It was the fucking expectation. No please, thank you. Ordered an uber for parents home from a party and she expected to jump in and me to add another leg and just pay for it.

My husband drove her newborn home, no acknowledgment at all.

Non drivers can be fucking irritating

SirQuintusAurelius · 31/01/2025 19:11

I can't imagine charging my sister petrol money for a journey that I was going to do anyway (regardless of how fractious our relationship is)

This absolutely and more so because it's going to see your parents. It's not a trip to the zoo.

pikkumyy77 · 31/01/2025 19:16

Stop making extra concessions.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 31/01/2025 19:29

@maizielou111 why bother telling her when you are going??? she can catch a bus or a train! you need to see your parents alone sometime!

CosyLemur · 31/01/2025 20:38

Why are you wanting to ask for money if you're going anyway?
If you're making a special journey just for her then that makes sense to get her to pay but not if it's a journey you'll be making anyway.
Cause she can decide to get the train and then you're still stuck with the full cost of fuel!

CheeseyOnionPie · 31/01/2025 20:44

Hmm if I was going anyway and there is space I the car I can’t say I’d be bothered by this. If I’m driving though the date and time of the journey would have to suit me, I wouldn’t inconvenience myself.

YippyKiYay · 31/01/2025 23:15

I'd plan to do something enroute and use that as my reason for a No.
If you don't enjoy her company then it makes it a looong drive even if the distance isn't great. The fact that you're going anyway is irrelevant if you don't want to spend time with her.
Personally I'd enjoy having that time with my own DH and DC. Two extra adults would change the dynamic and be squishy in the back seat.

Original poster
maizielou111 · 05/02/2025 08:20

Thanks all for the useful feedback!
I think as some have pointed out it’s become more about the uneven power dynamic and sense of entitlement around the lifts. In addition my sister and her partner are extremely wealthy in comparison with my family (they do not work and own multiple properties, we are both public sector workers). On top of this we have been used as a free hotel for lengthy periods (weeks at a time) as they have been living abroad for the last 3 years. These factors have contributed towards an overall sense of unfairness about the whole situation. There is never any please or thank you when asking for the lift to start with - though they do text to say thank you at the end - and no petrol money has been offered. There is just an expectation that we will provide the lift. The car is also extremely packed, verging on dangerous when we take both of them (small car with 3 of us already in it!)

OP posts:
Hdjdb42 · 05/02/2025 10:55

Don't tell them when you go! They can't hop in, if they don't know!