Kids prefer their Dad to me

[Twizzlelolly]

Kids prefer their Dad to me. I’m the stay at home parent, but if’s always their Dad that they want. They fight over him. They compete constantly to sit next to him and for his attention. I do everything for them, yet it’s never me they want. It’s starting to really get me down.

My relationship is rubbish. I sometimes feel like if I was gone tomorrow no-one would miss me.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can empathise with the whole being gone tomorrow thing. I've definitely felt the same way at points.
It is likely that it isn't about your kids preferring their dad necessarily, just that he's less available therefore more of a "prize". Whereas you are there all the time so get taken for granted more. It does suck though when you've done all the grunt work all day and then the second dad walks in he's the best thing ever 🙄

As PP said, if he is around less they will subconsciously be trying to make the most of the time with him and not wanting him to go. They definitely don't prefer or love him more than you. I'd bet they come to you first when they are sad, ill, scared in the night? You are the safe place for them and safe places can be taken for granted sometimes

Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately, it’s their Dad they want when they fall over, wake in the night, constantly fight over. He loves it.

it makes me feel like a rubbish mum:

I do everything for them all. All the donkey work. Things are rubbish between us and it makes me feel so sad and unlovable.

I think it's probably as Dad is a novel prize. He's not there during the day so they strive for his attention when he is there.
As hard as that must be for you, and how low that leaves you feeling, can you reframe and be glad they have a good relationship with him. They know they have two parents who love them deeply. It's difficult not to project your emotions surrounding their Dad, on to their relationship. As you mention, things aren't good so that exacerbates how you feel. If perhaps things were better between you, you'd appreciate more the children going to Dad as you like you say, you do the lions share and if anything it would give you a break. I think this possibly has less to do with them wanting Dad and more to do with how you feel about your relationship.
Ultimately, your children love you deeply. You are their Mum, and they need you. That's not in question.

I always found this.
Their dad was a novelty because he worked outside of the home whilst my work was the home and them and all the other stuff that came along with them.
I was the bad cop because I did all the nagging and asking them to brush their teeth and leave the bloody dog alone and pick up their toys.
So he became the good cop, who could spend his time on weekends playing with them and doing the nice things.
I'm sorry you're feeling shitty, can you get some time and do something for yourself to catch a break from the drudge of doing it all. Let him do it all sometimes while you have a rest.

Whats going on in the relationship generally to make you feel its rubbish?

Hire a young playful babysitter once a fortnight and you and attractive Dad go out on the town.
The kids can compete for the attention of their babysitter while you revisit what adult time was like.

I'm sorry you are in a sad state of mind. I agree it could be the novelty factor. Alternatively is it your DH is getting to do all the positive fun interactions while you tidy up, clean, cook dinner etc? That can impact the bond between you all.

What would happen if you didn't do "everything" for a bit and did something playful or unexpected with them?

You say OP that things are rubbish between you and him. How does he treat you in front of the children? If he treats you badly infront of them this could be affecting their behaviour towards you both.

Maybe an unpopular opinion here...
Have you looked at the difference in the way you and your husband interact with the children?
I'm not saying they actually have a favourite. And if they do, I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm just saying: what are they getting out of their father that they aren't getting from you, that would explain this hypothetical preference?

You say you're doing all the grunt work? Okay, great. You're doing a wonderful job. You're also doing an invisible job that gets very little appreciation. Is this how your tasks have been divided? Are you doing all the annoying and invisible things to run a household, while he gets to be fun dad?
How is your mood around the house? You say your relationship is rubbish. How does that impact you? How is your patience with the children? Are you managing to enjoy time with them? Do you have any left over energy for anything fun? This is not me passing judgement, it's an honest interest in what's happening.
How are your relationship problems impacting the way your children see you? Do you argue in front of the children? Does either of you complain about the other, or make backhanded comments?

Oh OP @Twizzlelolly how old are your kids?

I've no advice except I just posted something similar and I could honestly have written what you wrote. I hope things have improved a bit ❤️