Complicated entanglement with ex husband’s friend

[Lioness23]

Hi I hope you are all well.
I will just get straight to the point with this to avoid a long essay!
I have been in a mentally and verbally abusive marriage for 6 years which has ended quite recently. We have separated but agreed until for sake of inconvenience I would move out until we break the news to my in laws who we live with.
I have in the meantime asked a male friend who is also close friends with my ex husband.
They recently reconnected after years apart but don’t see each other often.
I was at his hometown drunk one night and really needed help as I was going through a mental breakdown with this marriage and he was the first person I thought of innocently who could help me out. Sure enough he came to my rescue and gave me some advice though it was biased advice as he is more close to my ex husband than he is with me. I just blurted out the truth about our marriage and the abuse I’m facing. He cannot believe it as my ex husband has always painted a fairytale picture of our marriage. The meeting only lasted 5 minutes and off I went back to my rental I was staying in. A few weeks later I find myself messaging him again and just hyperventilating with stress at this point I found him comforting to talk to. He was just a good listener and made me laugh when I needed it. I did often question a few times why he did not disclose any of this to my ex husband. Surely if he was close to him he’d have let him know that I was messaging and saw him that one occasion? He did say he feared it would ruin his friendship so best not to say anything. On another occasion we spoke on the phone for 2.5 hours at night. He was going through women trouble and we had an emotional good laugh on our dilemma. He asked my why is it him I keep calling/texting for help? I told him the truth that I find him comforting and he makes me laugh and that I don’t have friends who can relate or have their ears bent by my problems. I wasn’t hearing much of him lately so I apologised for ever getting him involved. And I will just stop communicating as I don’t want it to affect his friendship with my ex husband. He messaged back saying he appreciates the message and though I am quite maddening he finds me extremely funny. I simply said goodbye and take care. I am often thinking about it if not every hour of the day, just thinking would there have been more? Would he text me or call me randomly? We have a lot in common and similar childhood trauma- no dad around and ex partner issues. I do feel like he has more to say but isn’t saying much out of respect for my ex husband. He’s made subtle hints how I am very much the perfect wife and anyone would be lucky to have me. How can I progress things without being too in his face and scaring him away. I do feel like the goodbye was not a closure for me thinking about it now-pretty idiotic move on my behalf. What should I do? Should I wait till he messages and give him the space or spark a conversation?

He finds you maddening, funny too, but maddening nonetheless That doesn’t sound like someone who wants a relationship with you. That sounds like someone seeing some good in you despite them finding you really annoying.

Give yourself some time before you find a new relationship which hopefully will not be with a friend of your ex. And just leave this man alone. It is not meant to be

You're just out of an abusive marriage.

The last thing you need to do is take up with one of his mates. He may have the same underlying attitude to women, for one thing.

For another, you need to take some time resetting boundaries and making sure you won't end up with another abusive man. It's really common for people to get into further abusive relationships, you're like catnip to predators.

Take some time out from men and do a bit of finding yourself.

Kindly, get a fucking grip.

Don’t shit where you eat.

You’re still living with your husband AND HIS PARENTS and are embarking on some frisson with HIS friend. You’re not actually divorced yet are you?

Honestly, re this blike, get out and stay out. He is a really good way to make your life way more complicated than it needs to be, and if he has a shred of sense, he will respect that too.

We have a lot in common and similar childhood trauma- no dad around and ex partner issues.

Or he's mirroring you.

And IF it's true, it's not actually a great thing to both have the same trauma etc. Relationships are not therapy.

You really need to do the Freedom Programme and counselling or therapy before you think about dating.

You're replacing the all-absorbing up-and-down dynamic with an abusive man, with a similar push-pull with this guy and giving it way too much headspace.

You're about to bring so much unnecessary drama into your life if you carry on. He may not have told your husband yet, but he could easily have told another mutual friend(s) and word travels. You've not even moved out of the house yet.

You've apologised and said goodbye. If you leave it there you can chalk it up to a difficult period at the end of a marriage. If you go back again it'll look like something else entirely.

Bouncing from one unhealthy relationship to the next is not going to be of any benefit to you. What you really need is a significant amount of time completely single, such as a year, in which you seek therapy, complete the freedom programme etc.