I know I’m being unreasonable not to LTB, somehow I can’t …help?

[Donewiththisshit]

Posting here rather than AIBU as I know, and have been told many times I am. If someone else told me my story I would be aghast they are still with their DH.
Here goes…I’m a high earner, H is not. Runs his own business, for about the past 20 years gets into cycles of debt averaging around £10k a year that he lies about and I pay off.
I'm partly only successful in my career as I have had to push harder and harder to earn more money to make sure we are financially secure as he contributes nothing financially and is unreliable financially.

Current situation, I pay for pretty much everything. Mortgage, food, bills, holidays, outings. He pays about £100 per month for kids activities and otherwise has a credit card in my name that all other family spending goes on.
I estimate over the years I have paid off around £150k of his business related debt.
He can not explain why he accrues this debt other than he doesn’t work hard enough (although he goes out every day), is paid by customers, it gets spent then when bills for materials come in he can’t pay and puts it on a credit card.
I have spent 20 years trying to get to the bottom of this and can’t. I know it doesn’t make sense and you will have all the same questions as me (? Drugs, ? Gambling, ? Second family- he denies it all and I can’t find any evidence of it).
The debt is awful but ultimately I can service it and I do because of my kids (late teens now) although the resentment is overwhelming.
The lies I can’t cope with. I check his credit report every couple of months, he knows this, yet still denies debt. He is then overcome with remorse when I see he does indeed have more debt…every time.
I then say I can’t do this anymore. He says he will change (and I genuinely means it at the time). I don’t leave, possibly because I am exhausted. Possibly because despite this I love him (although that is eroding each year). Possibly because despite being a strong woman in a high flying job deep down I’m pathetic. Most likely as the kids worst fear is us getting divorced and I want to protect them.
What is wrong with me? 20 years of this (and I have posted before, I know the answer is for him to get an employed role or give up work - he is almost at retirement age and surprise surprise has no pension- or to leave. He will do neither as he is convinced he can turn things around ) and I am in the same recurring nightmare hoping something will change. The only thing that can ever change this is me and I’m stuck.
Help????

Building trade?

He shuts down his business for a start if it's making such huge losses. He's only able to borrow more because you keep paying off his debts, otherwise his credit would be fucked.

I’m so sorry but you really need to separate yourself financially from this man. Even if you divorce but stay living together / cohabiting for the kids. To constantly keep sinking that amount of money into this debt hole is completely insane. If you can’t find the energy to it for you, do it for your kids as you can then put that money away to help their futures instead.

Yeah that's house deposits for your kids spent on this loser. Urgh it's making my blood boil.

I know the whole situation is indeed insane. Why am I so stuck? I am enabling it.

Trauma bonded most likely

well, you're fucked because you will have to give him a very large % of your accrued wealth to divorce him. Is he in line for any inheritances?

Sorry but you have been enabling this ongoing cycle of debt and poor behaviour by bankrolling him and his "business". He has no incentive to change because you are the gift which keeps on giving and sorting it all out.

The only person who can change this is you and as you say you have been told so many times but seemingly ignore the advice.

You say you want to protect your kids but in fact what you are doing is teaching them that it's ok to behave badly , rely on someone else to be the grown up and pay the bills. The flip side is you are teaching them that if someone treats them like that the right thing to do is keep paying out and enabling. How is this protecting your kids ?

You know what the answer is so you have a choice - a) stay and be miserable, teach your kids that this behaviour (abuse) is ok and they can adopt it / have to put up with it, they should get a career to pay for someone else to "play at life" or b) break free and teach your kids about self respect. The decision is yours and it is within your gift to make what ever decision works for you BUT : you have to own it and live with the consequences. I.e. if you stay nothing will change other than you get more wound up.

Read what you have written and ask yourself how you would advise your child if they were in your situation

You know the answer - you need to seek legal advice and get yourself out of this nightmare.

Shut his business down and make him get a job on payroll and make him pay the majority of his paycheck towards household bills. This way you will know if he was just bad/unlucky with business or of he has any other secrets that cause debt.

Surely this is at least worth a try to break the cycle and give the relationship a chance

But you must see how it’s happening? He goes out and works. Gets paid. Then what?

No credit card!!!!

tell him to get a real job. Don’t pay off his debts

He shuts down his business and you cancel the credit card and take it from there.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

Stop bailing him out, force the business to close and tell him to get a proper job

And stop the ruddy card. He doesn't get to use credit in your name anymore.

Or you can carry on as you are.

Cancel the credit card immediately. He buys the next materials from the payment he received from the last job, like any other normal person would. Then get your ducks in a row and seek a divorce. The kids are old enough now, they will survive.

You are not his slave and this is not a charity. If you were not a high earner, how would he cope with a business that costs him £150,000 in losses.

see a solicitor and get the ball rolling. Your life will improve no end without this mill stone of a husband dragging you down.

As @RandomMess said, the “why” is you’re likely in a trauma bond. This happens in a toxic relationship where there are these types of patterns. The promises to change and any uplifts in behavior is intermittent reinforcement, eg enough slightly different/better times to lead you to think everything WILL change this time.

Only when we truly realise nothing will ever change do people start to leave. That’s the “why”. The trauma bond is a really powerful bind that doesn’t make sense rationally but has been forged over years of push-pull promises/let downs/promises etc.

You CAN break it, you just need to see what’s happening emotionally, not just at the level of the money.

When I hear self employed; the vast majority of the time it basically means part time worker and more often than not they earn considerably less than if they were employed on a PAYE payroll. Even a full time job at Tesco pays £25+ a year.

i got into a lot of debt (20k) when I was in my late teens, I lived beyond my means and lived off credit cards. I sat down with my parents and they made me show them 6 months of bank statements and all credit card statements. It was a humbling experience and made me very conscious about debt. I was debt free In 18 months and have never been in debt since.

I would be doing the same if I were in your shoes. Ask for 12 months of bank statements, both business and personal, along with credit cards and sit down and go through them all with a fine tooth comb. Work out why he is in such a financial mess, shut down the business and suggest he gets a proper job. Then, every month repeat until he is mature enough to manage his own finances.

I would also prepare for the worse and sort out YOUR finances. I would never suggest this, but given how much you e already given him I think it’s for the best in case you do file for divorce.

transfer your pension to a family member who you can trust. Get legal advice but in essence, protect it so he can’t claim any of it.

Same with your savings.

you need to be hard to be kind, he knows you will help him financially so there is no reason for him to change.

How old are the "kids" if he's near retirement age? How does it benefit them to see their mum being such a pushover? They will learn the same behaviour from you both—how will you feel if your sons or daughters behave like either of you in their future relationships?

Sorry to be harsh OP, but you need to grow a pair of ovaries and get yourself out of this pattern. You know this. Get whatever support you need to do this—therapy, straight-talking friend, family.

Your husband is not "convinced he can turn things around", he is content in the knowledge that you will always turn things around for him. Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt.

By the way, I do know how hard it is—my sister was trauma bonded to an abusive man for fifteen years, but she finally managed to break the spell and LTB a couple of years ago. She's much, much happier for it, and so are the kids.

I recommend skilled psychotherapy for yourself-you can only control your own behaviour and input to this situation. This will facilitate you to stop enabling him and empower you to leave. You have to do this to protect yourself and your long term financial future.

Don't give him a penny and use that money to get yourself some therapy to work out why on earth you put up with this.

There are worse things to children than their parents being split. You can't cover for him forever. You will have nothing to leave them should the worst happen.

He really treats you as a doormat. Why would he take responsibility when you are there wiping up behind him?. Nothing could make me want to stay with this kind of man. He is a loser and you deserve better.

He doesn't have a business he has a hobby. You pay for it.

Just think of what you could have done with 150,000K. Quit short changing your children.